Thursday, August 27, 2015


Wait!  Isn’t that cheating?

The word CHEAT can be defined as:
* to break a rule or law usually to gain an advantage at something
* to take something from (someone) by lying or breaking a rule
* to prevent (someone) from having something that he or she deserves or was expecting to get

Non-Monogamy may not be cheating... If there are rules allowing for more than one partner...

Dan Savage views on monogamy:  

One opinion on open relationships

Here's an example of the rules one might implement to stay out of the realm of cheating:

This video gives another opinion of how to express non-monogamy: POLYAMORY.   
The idea is love is not finite therefore we can have many loves.

My personal opinion:

In general, I shy away from studies/opinions that cling to sexual orientation and gender as the only factors to determine monogamy/non-monogamy. I think to do oversimplifies a very complex subject and devalues our individuality.

When gender and orientation are used as the ONLY factors:

*It increases sexism, homophobia, and transphobia
*Makes assumptions that the labels assigned are correct  (& assumes most people reside in boxes)
*Ignores that people may be on a spectrum which might vary over time.

Shouldn’t we look at the individuals involved? 

I'm truly exhausted by the Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus mindset. Or that ALL people on the rainbow reject heteronormative ideas of fidelity. I need to point out some ideas can be seen as heteronormative only because rights for everyone have been denied for so long…  and with studies reporting 30-70% of married people report having 'cheated' it doesn't look like it's got much to do with being on or off the rainbow.

I would suggest exploring other determining factors: 

*How the individual views sex? Is sex an expression of love? Or is it about getting off?
*Is the participant outside the primary relationship just a fancy masturbatory device or is there a connection giving the person in the relationship something they are lacking?
*Why is the person seeking the outside attention to deal with sexual/emotional needs?
*How does the cuckhold/cuntquean fetish play into this topic?

As a romance writer, I believe in happily ever afters. I think for some people (characters) HEA means a committed 1:1 relationship but for others the configuration might look different. My challenge as a writer if I’m going to have a non-traditional pairing (multiple partners, an open relationship, BDSM contract allowing multiple partners) I need to ensure my readers know it’s a happily ever after for these characters and that for them the non-monogamy reinforces the relationship not devalues it.

1 comment:

  1. I like the way you approach the subject, but I also kind of take issue with the second video. I just wonder with what authority he can make blanket statements to the effect that when gay men come out their emotional maturity is reset to zero. What's he base that on? Have there been studies? Is this just his opinion based on his personal experience? I do agree with him about the importance of honesty.

    And no, I don't think we should be generalizing and saying men behave this way or that way because they're men, and women are different than men and therefore all behave this other way. Again, these are blanket statements. It's fine to have opinions based on your own perspective, but I just feel we should be careful not to magnify these viewpoints and thus think they can be applied to the entirety of a gender (or the entirety of any group, for that matter).

    For some people, open relationships will work fine because of who they are as individuals. For others, they'd be a nightmare. How about we just stop judging others and respect that we each have a right to make the choices that are right for ourselves. And how about we stop analyzing people and putting everyone in a particular box because of what mental category we're comfortable placing them into?

    Just my opinion, for what it's worth.