Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Wanna know what's it's like to be raped at 14?

There's a general disbelief. This couldn't be happening not to you. You must be misunderstanding something. No, you don't want this. But then why can't you stop it? It has to stop.

It must have been you. You brought this on yourself. You had your back turned toward the door. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time. You didn't hear the footsteps. You invited this violation. It's your fault.

Why can't you stop it? You push, you beg, you plead...

You fade away...

You disassociate, you overcompensate, you retreat. You go to a place that's safe... no not safe nothing's ever again. You go to a deep inside your head and try to hide, you attempt to stay numb...

That didn't happen. You must have misunderstood. This isn't your narrative. You can't have been raped. This isn't your life.

But it is and you can't get away. It colors everything you do, say, and especially your reactions to things. Sometimes... most times you can pretend you've got it handed. You dealt with the worst of it...

But you didn't. There's times your skin crawls and you want to tear if off. Other times you want to run faster than yourself so you can be free from it... but it's with you every moment of every day.

You try to take comfort it's happened to lots of people. You try to make the best of it. You're a survivor. You try to help others heal, deal and move forward.

See you knew you weren't a victim...

Then people you think you know and love > support a monster. They don't see the predator & laugh at you because you see what they can't or worst what they don't want to. You envy their privilege but yet again people who should be protecting you don't.

Everything becomes a trigger. Every day brings a new level of horror as terrible becomes normalized... until you want to ball yourself up so small so you can finally disappear into the nothingness you long for in your head.

The quiet... the peace... But you don't get the silence you only get the disruptive negative dialogue that convinces you about how horrible you must be.

Why didn't you come forward decades ago? You had the chance... The police questioned you but you told your version of the truth > It couldn't have happened to you. Someone else was there enduring what you simply couldn't have survived.

It's not your life. It's not your narrative except those freeze dried memories of the years you weren't quite alive colors your entire life. Dulls the happy and takes the shine off things.

(I will believe a survivor's accusations until they are proven false. I won't support monsters who admit to sexual assault and I feel deeply betrayed by those who do. So there is no bridge between me and someone who supports monsters).

That is my narrative now. My silence is being broken by finding my voice... and if you don't want to hear me scream... don't listen.


Much <3, Z.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Corn Soup Recipe

Once my love and I were caught in a rainstorm while driving a convertible (& we couldn’t close the top). I was so wet and cold it was painful. My mother-in-law gave us shelter, warm towels and corn soup. It was blissful.

In this excerpt, Phillip (the rake) has been caught in a rainstorm.

Phillip accepted a bowl of corn soup with a hunk of cornbread and tasted the soup. “Oh, God! That’s incredible.”
Tristan smiled, pleased to have someone appreciate his culinary efforts. “Glad you like it.”
“Like it? If I wasn’t engaged to your couch, I’d marry this soup. We’d have babies… cream of corn soup.”
The vulgar imagery made Tristan snort.
“Tris, you’re dirty! I know you’re thinking of me having my way with the soup. Giving it my hot, creamy goodness.”
Tristan howled with the sheer silliness of the adorable man sitting practically naked by his fire.

Here’s the Recipe Tristan used for the Corn Soup

    1 tablespoon olive oil
    1 medium onion, chopped (150g)
    1 garlic clove, crushed
    4 cups chicken stock (made from cubes is fine)
    1 cup frozen corn kernels
    310 g canned creamed corn
    1 medium potato, chopped coarsely (200g)
    1⁄4 cup cream (optional)
    white pepper
    50 g plain corn chips (optional)
    ground black pepper
    2 tablespoons fresh chives, chopped


    Heat the oil in a large saucepan, add the onion and garlic and cook, stirring, over a medium heat until soft.
    Add the stock, creamed corn and potato. Then bring to a boil then simmer, uncovered, for about 15 minutes or until the potato is soft.
    Blend or process the soup until smooth adding white pepper to taste. Return the soup to the same pan then stir in the remaining corn and cream. Stir over a low heat until corn is tender.
(Tristan got the recipe from:   http://www.geniuskitchen.com/recipe/sweet-corn-soup-165823)

The Librarian’s Rake Blurb
Opposites might attract, but is acting on that attraction wise?
Librarian Tristan Cooper can’t steer clear of sexy, motorcycle-riding bad boy Phillip—the man is hot—but Phillip is bound to and quiet, bookish Tristan boring, like all Tristan’s boyfriends. Tristan yearns to explore his wild side, the part of himself he’s only allowed into his fantasies, and maybe rakish Phillip is just what he needs to feel free.
Sexperienced hairdresser Phillip is more of a believer in happy endings than happily ever afters. Experience has taught him not to hope for more— until he meets sweet, vulnerable Tristan, who seems genuinely interested in his heart. But Phillip can’t trust enough to see himself as a man Tristan might want for more than a night.
With the help of a pair of matchmaking grandfathers, Tristan and Phillip might and the courage to step beyond their comfort zones and discover what has been missing from their lives....

Buy Link:

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Privilege and The Craving

Happy Thanksgiving! May you have the blessing of being able to appreciate the good in your life and the world... for that is a privilege I wish for all.

Privilege is a buzzword with a lot of weight behind it. According to the Oxford dictionaries, privilege is a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group of people.

We think of skin color and money allowing us the biggest privileges. Many benefits can be boiled down into those two definers. (Not that there isn’t other ways one can gain/have privilege).

The Craving allowed me to explore the concept of privilege.

Riva Quinton is a product of the radiated rock of a planet called Feri. He grew up with the love of his parents and siblings in a harsh environment where life was short and death expectancy was certain. There was a lack of everything, especially knowledge. Riva fights extremely hard to overcome everything he doesn’t know, but sometimes he doesn’t know the questions he needs to ask. At times, he lacks the basic foundation in which to store the information he is absorbing from those around him.

This is an excerpt demonstrating what he’s up against:

Eros rescued him. “Also around the same age. The procedure of the ruler assigning a soul mate is in name only. This goes back to when people believed the ruler had certain spiritual and god-like powers.”
Wait! What? Riva had to state, “His Greatness does have god-like powers.” He stared at Eros, then Yoshio. They both frowned. “Um, doesn’t he?”
Yoshio nodded. “Oh, on some planets his position is still revered as destined by the universe, but—”
Riva nodded but could no longer process what was coming out of his friend’s mouth. He’d studied the sacred texts that gave the ruler supreme power over all things. Hours a day were spent memorizing the chants of gratitude to honor the shining star of the Xantha star system. When he had sung the holy words, he didn’t stutter. Wasn’t that spiritual proof? “I… I don’t understand.”
Riva stumbled over and stared out at the passing stars. How was all this not by divine order due to His Greatness? He collapsed into the softness of a chair. How could there not be some predestined order to the universe and meaning to all the suffering?
Eros rushed to his side and crawled into his lap. “That’s not to say there isn’t divinity, spirituality, afterworld, and a purpose for us all.”
Yoshio plopped down next to him.
Riva simply couldn’t process this information. “So most other planets don’t see the ruler as all-knowing and destined to rule?”
            Eros hugged him closer, giving him his answer.

Riva is tired of people treating him like there’s something wrong because he’s always a step behind. He worked hard to build the framework to understand the incredible amount of information.

Writing his part of the story reminded me how difficult it can be to walk in someone else’s shoes if you have more privilege. How easy is it to judge someone harshly because we forget they may not have had the same advantages we’ve had. We assume people in our world have the same information, skills, and chances in life that we’ve had, but that may not be true.

Thankfully, Riva has friends that don’t judge him for it and were willing to help him succeed.

The Craving Blurb:
The craving is an undeniable urge that drives K’Dane citizens to find their life mates—if only to sate their uncontrollable physical longings.

Thrilled at being named a Chosen, Phoenix Dotir leaves K’Dane to become an artist-monk who will create dimensional art capable of changing worlds. Living by the monastery’s Principles of Purity will surely help him overcome the craving. But he never accounted for star chaser Zadra Solav.

Zadra doesn’t believe in rules and makes his own future. Fate separates him from the man he loves, but one touch renders him helpless to his own desires. Bonding with a monk is forbidden, and Zadra’s family sends him to deep space to avoid disgrace. Unable to give up, Zadra must find a way reunite with his Chosen.

Tormented by enforced separation, Initiate Riva Quinton struggles with his vow of chastity and risks all to rescue his lover. Together with his Eros, he stows away on board a star craft to follow his heart.

Four men defy destiny and tradition for love… but their love is a crime punishable by death.

Buy Links:
Hugs, Z 

Thursday, November 9, 2017

Magical Unicorns and Talking Caterpillars... in M/M romance?

This excerpt involves Phillip (the rake) spying/stalking on Tristan (the librarian) while he’s doing Sleepy Time Reads. Keep in mind Phillip’s happy endings usually require a swallow. But seeing Tristan read about a magical unicorn and a talking caterpillar starts to change his mind.

I was curious about this fictional children’s book that Tristan is reading so I decided to figure out what Carlos Sirus Broominschmeckle and Sierra looked like. Here’s my best attempt:

Excerpt for The Librarian’s Rake:
Tristan sat on a small stool, reading a book to twelve little library patrons who sat on the floor, leaning forward on their cushions with their mouths open.
“Mr. Cooper, please read that again. Mica was talking.” A little girl in a pink jean jacket frowned at the chatterbox next to her.
“Okay, Melody.” Tristan flipped one page back and whinnied like a horse. “Sierra. That’s a funny name for a talking caterpillar.”
Tristan did his best caterpillar glare until the kids all giggled and attempted the expression too. “Hmphf! As if Carlos Sirus Broominschmeckle is a good name for a magical unicorn.”
Tristan’s delivery was absolutely charming. The kids roared with laughter.
Phillip swallowed hard. Love was just a way to dress up lust. But as the story continued and the man did voices of talking caterpillars and magical unicorns, Phillip decided he wanted to have Tristan’s babies. He saw their fictional children. Three of them playing in the front yard, each one perfect little replicas of Tristan and—
Whispers from the parents, guardians, and probably some singles hot for the librarian ringing the perimeter of the group told him he wasn’t the only one to notice Tristan’s charisma. Several adults were casting hungry looks with pervy intentions in his librarian’s direction. There were a couple of men. Yeah, well, Jimmy might have two daddies, but he didn’t need a third. Nor did Jimmy’s two daddies need a private librarian to shelve things.
“And that’s why you’re my best friend, Carlos Sirus Broominschmeckle!” The story’s exciting climax caused a mayhem of clapping and chattering little ones. Several of them hugged Tristan and had a lot to discuss about the plot twists during the saga the magical caterpillars and unicorns took.
Phillip wanted to talk to Tristan, but a quick schedule check showed he had one last appointment. He needed to book it back to the salon.

The Librarian’s Rake Blurb
Opposites might attract, but is acting on that attraction wise?
Librarian Tristan Cooper can’t steer clear of sexy, motorcycle-riding bad boy Phillip—the man is hot—but Phillip is bound to and quiet, bookish Tristan boring, like all Tristan’s boyfriends. Tristan yearns to explore his wild side, the part of himself he’s only allowed into his fantasies, and maybe rakish Phillip is just what he needs to feel free.
Sexperienced hairdresser Phillip is more of a believer in happy endings than happily ever afters. Experience has taught him not to hope for more— until he meets sweet, vulnerable Tristan, who seems genuinely interested in his heart. But Phillip can’t trust enough to see himself as a man Tristan might want for more than a night.
With the help of a pair of matchmaking grandfathers, Tristan and Phillip might and the courage to step beyond their comfort zones and discover what has been missing from their lives....

Buy Link:

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Pansexual & Transgender Pairing

No this is not me coming out as Pansexual... I just wanted to chat a bit about my pairing of characters who happen to be pansexual and transgender. But first let's get on the same page about what Pansexual means with a meme (cause I'm lazy).

Excerpt from Secured and Free: Orion is Xander's best who is pushing him to speak to his crush Quillon. Hunter is a Dom sitting at the table where the interaction takes place.

Orion answered, “Xander would love to chat with you.”
Quillon stood slowly, and some of his confidence drained away. “You know I’m trans, right?”
Xander shrugged. “I’m pan.”
Folding his arms, Quillon glared. “Why did you say that? To let me know that you’re still interested even if I’m not a real guy?”
“Um, no. I thought we were sharing who we were.” Xander ducked his head and muttered, “I know some guys have issues with me being pansexual, so I figured I’d share that upfront.”
Quillon studied Xander. “Why’d you shrug?”
“I don’t know. I do it a lot.” Xander shrugged again.
Xander pushed away from the table and stood. In anyone else, the
slow measured movements might have appeared aggressive, but Xander’s longing glances toward the nearest exit eliminated that interpretation. “Look, maybe this is a bad idea.”
Hunter rooted for Quillon to salvage the opportunity, but he better get to it.
“Nah, man, my bad. I’ve got a hair trigger on certain things.” Quillon put his left hand in his back pocket. “I’m sorry I assumed.”
“It’s okay. I get it.” Xander’s quiet voice broke a little.
“I’d like to get to know you.” Quillon ran his fingers along Xander’s forearm.
Orion cleared his throat. When he had Xander’s attention, he nodded.
Quillon quirked his lips and asked, “So, um, pan. What type of flute do you play?”
“Ha-ha. Can I say all of them?” Xander’s words were strained, but a chuckle snuck out. “No, pansexual.... I have a kitchen fetish.”
Quillon snorted and rolled with the joke as he led Xander away, asking, “Does it include all kitchenware or just pans?” 

Quillon's concern is a valid but I paired him with a person who happens to be pansexual anyway WHY THE HELL WOULD I DO THAT?

One of my top goals of why I publish is I want to validate all variations within each stripe of the rainbow... but I write SLLLLOOOOOWWWWLLLLLLY. (It frustrates the hell out of me trust me!)

My character Jake O'Neil from Illusions & Dreams is responsible for this pairing. Jake was wild and sexually expressive because he was pansexual, but because that's who he was, and I paired him with my adorable but VERY kinky Boon-nam. They were paired for what they each wanted out of life, sex and love not based on their gender identity or sexual orientation. She happens to be a transwoman. 

Clearly, my own kinky filter I view the world through affected why Jake and Boon-nam were paired. Boon-nam craved someone who could keep up with her desire to explore the kinky side of sex and Jake needed someone who was his equal in bed as well as in life. Bad boy Jake was sexy Boon-nam's match. Unfortunately this could be seen as me reinforcing the idea only someone who is pansexual would find a trans person attractive >>>> which was NEVER my intent and is truly incorrect!

Fast forward to Xander. We first meet him in Lock and Key. He was just so damned sweet and protective of Orion. I explored who he was and found out he wasn't Orion's love interest but that he was pansexual. 

Around the same time I talked to someone who was pansexual in my PFLAG. We discussed how people's perceptions of what pansexuality was and how it impacted their life. 

Ah Ha! I was thrilled I could now show a character who was pansexual but wasn't wild like Jake (who literally fucked a hole in the wall at a party...). Double happy dance!

I discovered more of my character's history, and found out Xander had a crush on someone... and Quillion appeared and DAMN! The notes on the scenes I have between the two make me very excited to write their story.

But OH SHIT! I did it. I paired someone who is transgender with someone who is pansexual again! ARGH!!!! 

I swear I don't think that's the only orientation that would be attracted to someone who is transgender... But my damn kinky filter and slow writing make it appear this way. (Granted I could simply change the orientation of Xander but I'm one of those author's who can't be dishonest about who the characters are... )

Though I trust most people know it is just happenstance that two of my pansexual characters fell for characters who happened to be transgender based on their kinkiness. It's not a statement beyond

And while I'm here explaining myself: When Illusions & Dreams was submitted several years ago the publishing house had very different criteria for their transgender books. They decided to keep Illusions & Dreams on their bookshelf even though it no longer quite fit.

Buy Link 


Thursday, October 19, 2017

Entwined Where BDSM Dreams Become Reality...

How & Why was Entwined Dreams born?

The series came from my need to counter some invalidation I've seen, heard of and experienced by getting back to the basics of the practice and lifestyle of BDSM. I wanted to show there are infinite ways to reach subspace (& topspace) and each person has unique needs. (Also I wanted to explore the edges)

The Entwined BDSM club is something that exists only in my mind. It is my fantasy of what a BDSM club could/should be... Entwined is a network of nationwide BDSM clubs run by subs & their Doms. There's a focus on education, safety and growth.

The clubs I've visited in the past have been-let's say-less than lush. So I decided to posh it up and inject luxury I could only dream of experiencing. Each club has a different atmosphere.

This video shows one version of what an underground (literally) club might look like.

Here's are the first two book in Entwined Dreams:


Rejected. Heartbroken. Devastated.

Zack Davis wanted to serve only one man, Andrew Nikeman. He was denied because Andrew thought he was too young and because their brothers were together. So Zack crushed his submissive tendencies and focused on being the perfect Dom, giving every sub he played with something he couldn’t have.

After years of denying his submissive side, Entwined’s charity auction “Are you Dom Enough to be a sub?” gives Zack an excuse to get a little of what he’s always craved.

Andrew doesn’t know when his infatuation turned into more, but it kills him to see Zack with a constant parade of submissives. He’d refused to jeopardize his brother’s relationship or become Zack’s regret; however, Zack isn’t a kid anymore, and his brother’s relationship is unbreakable. Now Zack’s popularity and success as a Dom might ruin Andrew’s dreams of collaring him, but he can’t wait any longer to confess his feelings or he risks losing the man he loves forever. 


An abusive Dom robbed Orion Gordon of his love of BDSM, destroying his confidence and leaving him unsure he’ll ever find peace through submission to another. Still, deep inside, his longing continues.
Marcus Sadir loves Hunter Dixon, yet can’t be the one thing Hunter truly desires: a sub to control. And Hunter can’t find satisfaction in the sadistic aspects of the BDSM lifestyle, while Marcus thrives on inflicting and sharing pain. When Marcus convinces Hunter they should find a third on a permanent basis, they discover Orion might be the key to bridging their differences and joining them on a deeper level.
But they must help Orion move past his trauma enough for him to enjoy new facets of BDSM and kink again. Their journey toward becoming whole—together—won’t be without challenges. Can Orion trust enough to try again?