Thursday, August 22, 2019

Humiliation


Humiliation

I guess this is on my mind. I'm in edits for The Longest Night.  A solstice BDSM story... humiliation is part of how the two guys like to play. But sometimes one person's humiliation is another's happy place. More on this story in other posts. It should be out toward the end of 2019. But back to humiliation....

Humiliation can be part of BDSM play and usually falls under edgeplay.

The usual Sane, Safe and Consensual rules may not apply because this activity can cause mental anguish and/or can triggering. The humiliation may have some unforeseen impacts.

This means the Dom/Master/Top should do more of a RACK assessment (risk-aware consensual kink) to mitigate the unintended consequences of this activity. Humiliation (by its very nature) is a potentially damaging activity which is why care should be taken.

Those in charge of the scene need to negotiate the scope of the humiliation with the submissive. Where are the limits, soft spots, and deliciousness so the Master/Dom/Top knows how to proceed.

They need to determine: What’s hot? What’s not? What harms and what doesn’t even register.

Dom/Master/Tops need to be mindful of past traumas experienced by the sub and how it is connected to the humiliation. Self-esteem issues in to be considered.

Talking with the sub is key to understanding how best to make humiliation work for them and to achieve the desired goal. 

Why Would Anyone Want to be Humiliated?
I hear the question without even you asking it because usually in day-to-day life that’s something most people avoid.

Though there are people in the world that have a deep desire to be made to feel embarrassed (humiliated) or even to be dehumanized (treated like an inanimate object or animal). The same parts of the brain that are affected by physical pain are stimulation by humiliation. If physical pain excites the sub, humiliation might also have the same effect.

Like much of BDSM activities, humiliation is about pushing your limits. In some cases, you are taking the power of the action (humiliation) back. Owning the humiliation and turning it into a more positive energy can empower the sub.

Humiliation can put the sub in an extremely submissive position. The Dom/Master/Top doing this humiliating thing to the sub/slave/bottom gives them the pleasure of being “put in their place” so they can worship their Master/Dom/Top better. It’s a mind fuck.

With the power we exchange in BDSM is about trusting someone to do something humiliating to them and then bringing them though the other side where we are stronger for having gone through it.

Some people just get off on mental pain.

It’s freeing to do some of the role playing. Things that you would never want to be called outside a scene could light your hidden fires.

During the power exchange with the Master/Dom they can get that need met in a “safe” way.
Exploring in a safe contained environment can be healing and empowering.


Some examples of Humiliation

Verbal
Using words as insults, name calling, ridiculing the sub, forcing the sub to say things that may not be true (forced flattery) or things they don’t want to admit, mockery, public scolding or belittling.

At a BDSM club, I witnessed a sub being told he had a tiny dick. His Mistress started off whispering to him, then to others. Then she started laughing at him. She berated him for his little cock and told him how it was too small to satisfy anyone.

Based on his blush, and demeanor (head down unable to meet anyone’s gaze, etc.) he was totally humiliated in front of the small group of people watching him.

He had an erection as he apologized for his “tiny” (appearing quite averaged sized) penis. (He didn’t cry but it was a possibly.)

The sub was able to explore being ridiculed in a contained environment about something that (maybe) was worrying/upsetting for him in a safe way, and while it made him embarrassed it also got him off. He faced his fear, and afterwards he seemed happier.


Physical
Some examples of physical humiliation: spitting, golden showers (urinating on the person), ejaculating on sub’s body/face, forced penetration, micro-management (needing permission to use the bathroom, eat, anything), kneeling, collar and leash, body worship, or having your hair cut.


As always humiliation is very individualized to the sub. Keep in mind what might be humiliating to one sub might not even register as discomfort for another.

I spoke to someone about golden showers and for him, it had nothing to do with humiliation for him it was receiving something from the man’s body. It was joyous and made him happy. Someone else would find that degrading.

Here’s a video I thought was pretty good.
https://sexpositivepsych.com/humiliation-play


Always seek your own truth.

I’d love to hear from you so comment here or use the contact information to touch base with me privately.

Many hugs,
Z. Allora

Thursday, August 15, 2019

Best Writing Advice

I adore watching this vlogger, Jenna Moreci.

She's cracks me up and gives wonderful advice on writing.

Enjoy!

Heartbroken Characters... Meet Blaze Parker


My plots bunnies hop over to me with an emotionally wounded and scarred. Maybe it’s my Masters in Psychology but I feel the need to understand why they are acting a certain way. So when this entered into my brain:

Olympian Blaze Parker doesn't do relationship longer than twenty minutes until he brings home rock star Drake Keys.

I went crazy trying to find out why? How did Blaze get so hurt he didn’t want a relationship? (Note: I knew he wasn’t aromantic because he wanted love and companionship but wouldn’t allow himself to have it.) Why? Why! WHY!

Excerpt for Rocking Thin Ice:
It happened seven years ago, but every sharp and painful detail had etched itself into his brain like the drama went down yesterday. He had been such an idiot. 

He couldn’t believe he’d gotten his first invitation to a party thrown by the other skaters. Maybe they were finally accepting him. But even better, Trent would be there. 

During the party, Blaze had sat mostly by himself in a chair off to one corner as the others talked in little groups scattered around the room. 

He felt like an outsider, observing them, until Trent approached him. 

“You want to go someplace and... talk?”

Trent’s invitation had Blaze tripping up the stairs after him like an eager puppy.

There wasn’t much talking. Trent unzipped his pants and asked,
“So, Blaze, do you spit or swallow?”

“I gargle. Want to see?” Blaze tried to be bold yet graceful as he dropped to his knees. He was thrilled to have the guy he was half in love with offer him exactly what he wanted to do. 

Even now, mortification swamped him. He hadn’t had much experience, but he’d idolized Trent since he was ten, so he never even considered Trent didn’t feel the same way. 

Rooted in his brain was how calmly his older brother, Luke, took the fact that Blaze had become infamous at eighteen. Trent and his friends had posted the G-rated parts of the hidden video they had taken, ensuring Trent remained anonymous but Blaze’s stupid comment could be heard, and the bobbing of his head clearly implied everything that happened. As much as Blaze missed his parents, he was grateful they hadn’t been alive to see him humiliated in such a way. 

His coach had already been on him about being too gay. Blaze had tried being more masculine. He wanted to please his coach and the judges, he really did, but that simply wasn’t him. His scores suffered for his inability to pretend to be someone he wasn’t. 

The announcer broke into Blaze’s trip down Bullshit Lane.


So not only was Blaze betrayed by his crush in his mind he had lost everything. His hurt morphed into anger because rage is easier to vent then sadness. He was forever changed by those terrible events but as with many horrible things life can throw at us, there’s usually a silver lining. This path leads him however indirectly to something or someone he never expected.


Here’s Rocking Thin Ice’s Blurb:
Can a sexy rock star show a relationship-phobic ice skater that there’s more to life than gold medals?  

When ice-skating’s bad boy Blaze first glimpses Drake, every fantasy he’s ever had flares to life. Not only is rock star Drake sexy as sin, his songs awaken a longing in Blaze that he’s denied for years. But Blaze Parker doesn’t believe in relationships—at least not those that last more than twenty minutes. 

Drake Keys has dreamed about the sensual ice skater for years. When Drake is kicked out of his band because of his bisexuality, he drives across the country to finally see the man he’s had a crush on skate live.   

Though the attraction is instant and intense, both Blaze and Drake have baggage that puts any relationship on thin ice. Blaze is driven by a long-ago betrayal to prove himself a champion, and Drake, uncertain about the future, hopes to resurrect his music career. As they take a road trip together, Drake romances Blaze, hoping to melt his heart and show him that love is possible… but not without some tough decisions.


BUY LINKS
Dreamspinner:


Sooooooo even as heartbroken plot bunnies hop over to me I will happily ever end their sweet little asses whenever I can! 

Many hugs, Z. 

Thursday, August 1, 2019

BDSM Munches


BDSM munches are for people interested or involved in BDSM. The gatherings are usually held at places like coffee shops, restaurants, or bars. The focus is on exchanging information, socializing, and getting advice about BDSM.

Usually no BDSM activity is done, since it’s in a public space, though I’ve heard of a few demos such as rope work when it’s in a private room.

I’ve not had the greatest experiences at munches, so I’ve asked a couple of special guests to join us.

Allow me to introduce me to introduce Jenifer, a collared slave who owns a BDSM event destination, and Brigham, a sub and a masochist who is the host of an area munch.

So, Jenifer, can you tell us about your experiences with munches?

Jenifer gives me her infectious smile and begins. “A munch is nothing more than a group of like-minded individuals gathering together for a meal and some face time to hang out and exchange news and gossip. The munches around the South Carolina, and there are about four or five different groups that host them, but that varies with time, are very casual, and most do not have any 'official' structure other than they may read announcements.” 

It is my pleasure to introduce to you another writer, who identifies as a sub and masochist Brigham Vaughn. She hosts munches in her area.

Brigham, can you share your munch journey with us?
In the summer of 2015, I got divorced. I joined FetLife shortly after and started to do a lot more research into BDSM (which I had been curious about for a year or two before that). I wasn’t quite ready to join the real-life community though, and the thought of going to a public place to meet strangers (kinky or not!) made me incredibly nervous.

In January of 2016, I felt braver, so I posted a message on one of the local community boards and said I was looking to meet a submissive or a D/s couple who regularly attended munches and would be willing to give me an introduction. I’ve always been more comfortable exploring new experiences with a friend by my side, so getting to know one or two people first seemed like it might be the best way to ease into a very nerve-wracking thing.

A lovely couple answered my post. They immediately came across as warm, kind, and friendly as we chatted online. I met them for coffee, and they were just as wonderful in person. They put me at ease, assured me they’d been equally nervous to attend their first munch, and discussed various aspects of the community I had questions about. 

One of them wasn’t able to make it to the next munch due to a scheduling conflict, but although I was nervous going into my first munch, knowing that there was one friendly face at the table was a huge relief. 

I was introduced to other people, and everyone was so warm and welcoming and assured me they’d been equally intimidated their first time too. I even connected with a fellow writer who sat across the table with me, which helped break the ice. 

Do you still attend this munch, Brigham?
That munch is held once a month and I attend it as often as I can. A second munch in my general area began in the fall of 2016, which I began to attend as well. In the summer of 2017, I was asked to come on as co-host. I felt like I had enough experience to help welcome new people, so I agreed.
I regularly attend both munches and truly find them to be a wonderful way to connect with others in the lifestyle. I’ve made some great friends, and I always know that if I need help, feedback, or advice, there are a number of people I can reach out to.

And the D/s couple who reached out to me over three years ago? Well, we’re still very close friends. The Dom was the first person outside of a D/s relationship who I ever bottomed for impact play for. And we occasionally still play when our schedules allow. With his sub’s knowledge and approval, of course. Sometimes she even likes to co-Top and give him suggestions from the sidelines! 

I have eaten dinner at their home, gone to concerts with them, and cried on their shoulders after a very meaningful relationship ended.

I am eternally grateful that they answered my post and helped make my first munch a wonderful experience. They set the tone for my future in the local kink community that I am so glad to be a part of.

Jenifer, what was your first time at a munch like? Were you nervous?
I was very nervous but found the people to be very warm and friendly. Everyone welcomed me with open arms. One common fear that people have, and I did too, is that they will be seen by someone who would or could “out” them, but it was explained to me this way: If one of my friends or co-workers shows up at the same munch or event, then they are in the same position. We are all in this together, and we all protect each other. Your friend has as much to lose as you do.

We sat, ate, and chatted for the first hour or hour and a half, and then the sponsoring group called the room to order. We each stood up and stated our Fet names (scene name) and what our connection to kink was. After it went all the way around the room, they asked any “first-time munchers” to raise their hands. I did so and everyone cheered saying, “Welcome!”

Next, they proceeded with announcements, which generally consisted of news, events, and play parties coming up. There were several leaders of other groups in attendance, and they each stood, one by one, and announced their group’s next event. By the end of the night, all of my apprehensions about the infamous “kink community” were quelled.

What a wonderful experience! 

Would you recommend munches to others? Why?
Brigham nods. “I do think everyone should give a munch a try at least once and preferably twice. I say twice, because sometimes, they’re just poorly run.”

What do you mean by “poorly run?”
I’ve heard from people that munches can be clique-ish or that people are unfriendly. In the end, I think that’s often down to how well the leaders do making new people feel welcome. At least in my experience, most munch attendees mean well, but sometimes they get wrapped up in conversations with friends and don’t always look around to see who the nervous newbies are. It’s not intentional. They’re just excited to see people they only have the opportunity to see once or twice a month. And if the hosts aren’t actively trying to make new people feel welcome, it can absolutely make them feel unwelcome

As a host, I try to be mindful of that, but sometimes I’m feeling a little more introverted or tired, or drained from a long day of writing, and I don’t do as good of a job as I’d like to. We all have off days, but being aware of that is something I’m actively working on.

And like every other group in the world, there are bad eggs. People who are poor leaders. Members who feel the need to create tension and drama where there is none. Even people who use the power of being a “leader of the community” to prey on new members who may not have the experience to realize what is appropriate and what isn’t. It’s unfortunate, but it does happen.
But for the most part—at least in my experience—most munches are filled with good people. It can be a great way to talk about questions you have, ask about protocol and behavior, learn about play parties and classes, etc. It can be an invaluable resource for people who want to grow and thrive with a sense of community. Often, knowing that there are others with similar kinks is an incredibly freeing feeling. And it helps people feel less isolated.

If someone has never been to a munch, I’d encourage them to go. If they’ve gone in the past and had a less than positive experience, I’d encourage them to go to different one with new organizers.
The kink community is no more perfect than the rest of the world. But I have met an enormous number of kind, wonderful people in it, and many of them I met through munches.

Jenifer, what’s your opinion on recommending munches?
I kind of don't like this question because it’s not something that is the same for any two people. I will say that if you're kinky (you know who you are) and you want to meet other kinky people, then the munch is the place. There are a lot of people that come once and never return, others eventually take it over. It's certainly not going to hurt you, unless you eat something that you are allergic to…Think of it as a bunch of friends that hang out and have dinner together, just like the friends that hang out at vanilla places like bowling alleys or the local swimming or golf clubs.

I want to thank both Jenifer and Brigham for sharing their experiences with us. I hope this allows some of you on the fence but interested in exploring see how you might dip your toe in the BDSM water.

How can I find a munch near me?
Google your area and BDSM munch and see what comes up.
FetLife usually gets you a decent list of munches in your area: https://fetlife.com
If you’re lucky enough to have a BDSM club in your community, email them for information.


Always seek your own truth.

I’d love to hear from you, so comment here or use the contact information to touch base with me privately.

Many hugs,
Z. Allora

To contact Z. Allora:
E-mail: Z.AlloraHappyEndings@gmail.com
FACEBOOK:   Z Allora Allora
Twitter: @ZAllora
Dreamspinner: https://bit.ly/2Jv14r1

BIO: Z. Allora believes in happily ever after for everyone. She met her own true love through the personals and has traveled to over thirty countries with him. She’s lived in Singapore, Israel and China. Now back home to the USA she’s an active member of PFLAG and a strong supporter of those on the rainbow in her community. She wants to promote understanding and acceptance through her actions and words. Writing rainbow romance allows her the opportunity to open hearts and change minds.

Thursday, July 25, 2019

Colorado Home of Rocking Thin Ice

Blaze Parker lives in Safe Haven Colorado... a place that doesn't exist but the place it was based off of is Breckenridge Colorado. During a road trip we toured Colorado and was stunned by the beauty. (If the state had oxygen I'd move there in a heartbeat! LOL)

Here's some of my pictures that built the story.

These are pictures of the stream Drake and Blaze dip their feet in and decide to start a Never-Done-It list so they can start doing it. (Because our sweet badass Blaze has never taken the time away from practicing to even wade through the stream like everyone else.) 



The town of Breckenridge aka Safe Haven is beautifully laid out with lots of shops filled with art, restaurants, and flowers.










Can a sexy rock star show a relationship-phobic ice skater that there’s more to life than gold medals? 

When ice-skating’s bad boy Blaze first glimpses Drake, every fantasy he’s ever had flares to life. Not only is rock star Drake sexy as sin, his songs awaken a longing in Blaze that he’s denied for years. But Blaze Parker doesn’t believe in relationships—at least not those that last more than twenty minutes.

Drake Keys has dreamed about the sensual ice skater for years. When Drake is kicked out of his band because of his bisexuality, he drives across the country to finally see the man he’s had a crush on skate live. 

Though the attraction is instant and intense, both Blaze and Drake have baggage that puts any relationship on thin ice. Blaze is driven by a long-ago betrayal to prove himself a champion, and Drake, uncertain about the future, hopes to resurrect his music career. As they take a road trip together, Drake romances Blaze, hoping to melt his heart and show him that love is possible… but not without some tough decisions.


BUY LINKS
Dreamspinner:
eBook: https://bit.ly/2W40Wt1
Print: https://bit.ly/2ZUGvwf
Kobo: https://bit.ly/2xhOWWa
iTunes: https://apple.co/2YvIzdX




Thursday, July 18, 2019

RE-WRITING, RE-EDITING, RE-COVERING

As an author one of my goals is to become a better writer.

I spend years living with my characters and sharing their happily ever afters is a true joy.

I wrote the original Club Zombie series over 10 years ago. It was the second series I wrote. I still hadn't a clue as to beta readers, critique partners or romantic arcs.

I saw a lot of issues with my writing. I wasn't pleased...

Finally, I found two editors and a proof reader along with my critique partners and beta readers who I trusted to help me get this series polished and back onto the page.

My goal is to release the book one after the other with only a few weeks apart ending the year with Book #4: Zombies Blow.

The first in my unconventional fated mates series is up for preorder & for the first time will be available on Kindle Unlimited.





Zombies suck, but they’re not after brains! These zombies are young, hot, and looking for action. One day Kai Bauer is tending vineyards in Germany, the next he’s on a plane heading for… well, he doesn’t really know.

Wait a minute! He’s a what? And they have to drink male essence to live forever? The transition begins on his nineteenth birthday. He must find a mate in four years or he won’t ever be emotionally or physically satisfied.

That’s Jasper’s problem. After decades, the ex-priest has given up on finding his mate. He’s living a chaste life but he’s willing to be Kai’s mentor and friend. Gorgeous, distant, and off-limits meet young, virile, and gay.

This is a sexy happily ever after with much silliness. Zombies suck but these swallow.

Thursday, July 11, 2019


Bathhouses Aren’t for getting clean
Are bathhouses part of BDSM? Not directly but some of the same needs might be met and one just might find a sub or Dom who rocks your world. 

I’m going to quote Wikipedia’s definition of bathhouse:
“A gay bathhouse, also known as a gay sauna or a gay steam bath, is a commercial space for men to have sex with other men. In gay slang, a bathhouse may be called just "the baths," "the sauna" or "the tubs". In general, a gay bath is used for having sexual activity rather than only bathing. 

Not all men who visit a gay bathhouse are considered gay. Bathhouses offering similar services for women are rare, but some men's bathhouses occasionally have a “lesbian” or "women only" night.
Bathhouses vary considerably in size and amenities – from small establishments with 10 or 20 rooms and a handful of lockers to multi-story saunas with a variety of room styles or sizes and several steam baths, Jacuzzi tubs, and sometimes swimming pools. Most have a steam room (or wet sauna), dry sauna, showers, lockers, and small private rooms.

Many bathhouses are, for legal reasons, "membership only", though membership is generally open to any adult who seeks it, usually after paying a small fee. Unlike brothels, customers pay only for the use of the facilities. Sexual activity, if it occurs, is not provided by staff of the establishment but is between customers, and no money is exchanged. Many gay bathhouses, for legal reasons, explicitly prohibit or discourage prostitution and ban known prostitutes.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gay_bathhouse

I do not have direct experience with bathhouse so I turned to my Pretty Ones on Facebook. The lovely Kyle volunteered to answer some basic questions about his experiences at a bathhouse





1) You've gone to bathhouses. How often? Same one?

I have been going to a few bathhouses since 2009. In San Diego I went to Club SD.  Up here, I go to Steamworks (if I ever get the urge to go).  Over the past years, I have pretty much stopped going.  I didn't have a car, and there was no way I was letting somebody drive me 45 minutes from home just to end up stranded should they decide to leave without me.

2) Can describe the interior(s)?
Inside they are usually dimly lit, humid, industrial-esk, loud, and smell of disinfectant and chlorine.  Both bathhouses are fashioned like hotels in similar fashion except Steamworks (SW) is single storied and has no ceiling (the roof is about 60' up) and Club SD (CSD) is two storied with a few two-storied open areas.  Inside are group showers (sometimes lights on, sometimes off), wet and dry saunas, hot tubs with seating for about 20-30 comfortably, a gym, rooms with various types of seating and various types of porn playing on many different screens, oh and there are vending machines with condoms, lube, cock rings, vibrating bullets, anal douches, toothpaste, mouth wash, dental floss, nail clippers, OMG just ask me if a particular item can be found in these vending machines.  They also have vending machines with drinks, snacks, and other food types.  Both have common areas away from all the action, and everybody respects that area.  Go there to have a cigarette and catch a breather.

3) If you have gone to different locations, did you notice a different vibe/rhythm or language?

Honestly, I have not noticed a language, nor have I been able to figure out if there even IS a language used. Usually, I can tell if someone wants to play with me by the way they are looking at me, or the fact that they just reach for my junk (there really isn't a safe place unless you get a room and lock the door.  Leaving the door open tends to mean one wants someone to join, or just be watched.  I am absolutely more passive at these places when it comes to language.  Sometimes I've had my junk grabbed by a stranger as we walk down a dimly lit, narrow hallway, doors lining both walls completely.  If I took one look at him and thought Oh my, fuck yes! then I went along with the guy, or led him to my room.  Other times, I've had to tell some guys "No means no, even here."

5) Why do you go? I'm assuming it's for more than getting your back washed.

(TRIGGER WARNING for chemical usage)
My first time at a bathhouse was when a man at a bar was to take me to base because I missed the last bus back from my favorite gay bar in San Diego.  He took me to CSD where I bought a room (receipt was credit in my name), by the time we got to the room, I was in and out of being blacked out (I had a drinking problem when I was younger and in the Navy. It was called, not respecting my limits) but I remember being into it when I was "there." 
Sex and drugs?  Yes!  Give me a place where I don't have to worry about the cops, bags are checked, I can be almost as loud as I want and I can have as many drug induced sexual encounters as I can?!  Shut up and take my filthy gay drug money!  Literally why I went back, every damn time.

6) Can you share with us why you &/or other men find bath houses appealing?

I refer to the end of answer 5. I don't know why other men go, I've never really asked.  Always seemed to have other things on my mind at the time. I also don't go very often now. If I do, a small group of us will go and have the time of our lives.

7) Are sex safe practices used or ignored?

I can count the number of men I had safe sex with. I can also tell you I have surpassed triple digits in the number of men I have had sex with. I have had sex with men all along the spectrum of HIV and AIDS statuses and have not contracted the disease. The only two things I have ever contracted were from when I was raped, and when I cheated on my boyfriend.  Both instances have been completely cured and I have had a clean bill of health for many years.  I am actually going to the VA to get my tests done next week, and I am scheduling an appointment with them to be prescribed HIV preventative treatment. I abhor the feeling of nails and condoms inside of me. There is a lot more on this subject that we can get into later if you'd like.

In summary, Bathhouses are a place to get clean, get dirty, and should be repeated as needed. 



Always seek your own truth.

I’d love to hear from you so comment here or use the contact information to touch base with me privately.

Many hugs,
Z. Allora

To contact Z. Allora:
E-mail: Z.AlloraHappyEndings@gmail.com
FACEBOOK:   Z Allora Allora
Twitter: @ZAllora
Dreamspinner: https://bit.ly/2Jv14r1

BIO: Z. Allora believes in happily ever after for everyone. She met her own true love through the personals and has traveled to over thirty countries with him. She’s lived in Singapore, Israel and China. Now back home to the USA she’s an active member of PFLAG and a strong supporter of those on the rainbow in her community. She wants to promote understanding and acceptance through her actions and words. Writing rainbow romance allows her the opportunity to open hearts and change minds.