Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Wanna know what's it's like to be raped at 14?

There's a general disbelief. This couldn't be happening not to you. You must be misunderstanding something. No, you don't want this. But then why can't you stop it? It has to stop.

It must have been you. You brought this on yourself. You had your back turned toward the door. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time. You didn't hear the footsteps. You invited this violation. It's your fault.

Why can't you stop it? You push, you beg, you plead...

You fade away...

You disassociate, you overcompensate, you retreat. You go to a place that's safe... no not safe nothing's ever again. You go to a deep inside your head and try to hide, you attempt to stay numb...

That didn't happen. You must have misunderstood. This isn't your narrative. You can't have been raped. This isn't your life.

But it is and you can't get away. It colors everything you do, say, and especially your reactions to things. Sometimes... most times you can pretend you've got it handed. You dealt with the worst of it...

But you didn't. There's times your skin crawls and you want to tear if off. Other times you want to run faster than yourself so you can be free from it... but it's with you every moment of every day.

You try to take comfort it's happened to lots of people. You try to make the best of it. You're a survivor. You try to help others heal, deal and move forward.

See you knew you weren't a victim...

Then people you think you know and love > support a monster. They don't see the predator & laugh at you because you see what they can't or worst what they don't want to. You envy their privilege but yet again people who should be protecting you don't.

Everything becomes a trigger. Every day brings a new level of horror as terrible becomes normalized... until you want to ball yourself up so small so you can finally disappear into the nothingness you long for in your head.

The quiet... the peace... But you don't get the silence you only get the disruptive negative dialogue that convinces you about how horrible you must be.

Why didn't you come forward decades ago? You had the chance... The police questioned you but you told your version of the truth > It couldn't have happened to you. Someone else was there enduring what you simply couldn't have survived.

It's not your life. It's not your narrative except those freeze dried memories of the years you weren't quite alive colors your entire life. Dulls the happy and takes the shine off things.

(I will believe a survivor's accusations until they are proven false. I won't support monsters who admit to sexual assault and I feel deeply betrayed by those who do. So there is no bridge between me and someone who supports monsters).

That is my narrative now. My silence is being broken by finding my voice... and if you don't want to hear me scream... don't listen.


Much <3, Z.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Corn Soup Recipe

Once my love and I were caught in a rainstorm while driving a convertible (& we couldn’t close the top). I was so wet and cold it was painful. My mother-in-law gave us shelter, warm towels and corn soup. It was blissful.

In this excerpt, Phillip (the rake) has been caught in a rainstorm.

Phillip accepted a bowl of corn soup with a hunk of cornbread and tasted the soup. “Oh, God! That’s incredible.”
Tristan smiled, pleased to have someone appreciate his culinary efforts. “Glad you like it.”
“Like it? If I wasn’t engaged to your couch, I’d marry this soup. We’d have babies… cream of corn soup.”
The vulgar imagery made Tristan snort.
“Tris, you’re dirty! I know you’re thinking of me having my way with the soup. Giving it my hot, creamy goodness.”
Tristan howled with the sheer silliness of the adorable man sitting practically naked by his fire.

Here’s the Recipe Tristan used for the Corn Soup

    1 tablespoon olive oil
    1 medium onion, chopped (150g)
    1 garlic clove, crushed
    4 cups chicken stock (made from cubes is fine)
    1 cup frozen corn kernels
    310 g canned creamed corn
    1 medium potato, chopped coarsely (200g)
    1⁄4 cup cream (optional)
    white pepper
    50 g plain corn chips (optional)
    ground black pepper
    2 tablespoons fresh chives, chopped


    Heat the oil in a large saucepan, add the onion and garlic and cook, stirring, over a medium heat until soft.
    Add the stock, creamed corn and potato. Then bring to a boil then simmer, uncovered, for about 15 minutes or until the potato is soft.
    Blend or process the soup until smooth adding white pepper to taste. Return the soup to the same pan then stir in the remaining corn and cream. Stir over a low heat until corn is tender.
(Tristan got the recipe from:   http://www.geniuskitchen.com/recipe/sweet-corn-soup-165823)

The Librarian’s Rake Blurb
Opposites might attract, but is acting on that attraction wise?
Librarian Tristan Cooper can’t steer clear of sexy, motorcycle-riding bad boy Phillip—the man is hot—but Phillip is bound to and quiet, bookish Tristan boring, like all Tristan’s boyfriends. Tristan yearns to explore his wild side, the part of himself he’s only allowed into his fantasies, and maybe rakish Phillip is just what he needs to feel free.
Sexperienced hairdresser Phillip is more of a believer in happy endings than happily ever afters. Experience has taught him not to hope for more— until he meets sweet, vulnerable Tristan, who seems genuinely interested in his heart. But Phillip can’t trust enough to see himself as a man Tristan might want for more than a night.
With the help of a pair of matchmaking grandfathers, Tristan and Phillip might and the courage to step beyond their comfort zones and discover what has been missing from their lives....

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