Yesterday, Leslie (co-founder of PFLAG's Greenville South Carolina Chapter 23 years ago), Jenifer and I headed off to Columbia for the hearings on 1203 bathroom law (which would force people into bathrooms based on their assigned sex at birth and not their gender identity) and transgender rally.
Due to the number of people who were supporting the transgender community and the decision to have the hearing in a room that wouldn't hold 30 people we hung out downstairs. We did meet and shake hands with Columbia's mayor who thanked us for showing our support. He believed this bill will die (but we need to make sure we crush it).
The main argument I've heard for this bill is it makes people unsafe (especially cis-gender women and children).
This position is based on a lot of fear, and a forgetfulness that there current laws in place to deal with people who are inappropriate in a bathroom. Please take the time to follow this video link:
Labels can be wonderful and reinforcing helping people connect with others who share some of the same qualities they do...
But we shouldn't label someone else nor should we attempt to correct their label >>> It's not our right to peel off someone else's label (unless they are looking for assistance in processing... even then trend with care!!!!).
>>> Yes I realize this creates major issues. One I've heard the most is:
It's not fair.
True. But since we don't know what's in someone else's head we can't say "Hey you had sex with other people who have been assigned the same sex as you therefore you're gay or bisexual." (though society tends to do that) Everyone person has a right to identity with a label THEY feel fits them best. (I'm quoting from "Are ‘Heteroflexible’ and ‘Homoflexible’ Shades of ‘Bisexual’?" from the Huffington Post link is below)
Let's look at the definitions:
Bisexual "Wikipedia
defines bisexuality as romantic attraction toward both males and
females. The term is mainly used in the context of human attraction to
denote romantic or sexual feelings toward both men and women."
Heteroflexible "Wikipediadefines heteroflexible as “a form of a sexual orientation or
situational sexual behavior characterized by minimal homosexual
activity, despite a primarily heterosexual sexual orientation that...
distinguish [es] it from bisexuality.”
Homoflexible "Urban dictionary
describes this as a gay man who has come out and embraced his identity
fully as a gay man and chooses to have sex with a woman."
So someone who doesn't "have an enduring attraction" to both genders therefore doesn't fit the bisexual category...
With these definitions in mind: Gay For You/Out For You genre of LGBT romance might be less about erasure and more about characters who might define themselves differently. But there's not a category for heteroflexible with a side of label dislike so it will fall under GFY.
Sexuality is complex. Many of us haven't analyzed our sexuality... so not all of our labels fit.
Out For You/Gay For You Stories: While possibly not an accurate description of what is happening... this troupe embodies an ultra-fantasy of love>>> Nothing stands in the way of love not even gender.
Is everyone bisexual?
"In short, no. Roughly 2.2% of women and 1.4% of men self-identify as bisexual. The number of people whose behavior
is bisexual, but who choose to label themselves as straight, gay, or
lesbian, is certainly much higher – about 3 to 4 times that – but still
represents less than 10% of the population." ((http://bisexual.org/?qna=is-everyone-bisexual))
The Klein Model takes into account the individual's past, present and their ideal.
I'm pulling how they define the variables right off their website. "THE VARIABLES: Sexual Attraction: To whom are you sexually attracted? Sexual Behavior: With whom have you actually had sex? Sexual Fantasies: Whom
are your sexual fantasies about? (They may occur during masturbation,
daydreaming, as part of real life, or purely in your imagination.) Emotional Preference: Emotions
influence, if not define, the actual physical act of love. Do you love
and like only members of the same sex, only members of the other sex, or
members of both sexes? Social Preference: Social
preference is closely allied with but often different from emotional
preference. With members of which sex do you socialize? Lifestyle Preference: What is the sexual identity of the people with whom you socialize? Sexual Identity: How do you think of yourself? Political Identity: Some
people describe their relationship to the rest of society differently
than their personal sexual identity. For instance, a woman may have a heterosexualsexual identity, but a lesbian political identity. How do you think of yourself politically?"
((http://www.americaninstituteofbisexuality.org/thekleingrid))
Now this scale can trouble some because it suggests orientation can "change" over time... I prefer to view it as life experiences refine a person's orientation giving them added clarity. Instead of rejecting one side of the Kinsey scale for the other... there might be a leaning with some additional exception.
Here's an example of how one might clarify their likes as they get older or have different life experiences: I have a friend who identifies as a lesbian. I'm going to quote her, "Z.Allora, I love women and I'm a hardcore lesbian but there's a new flavor in town and it's called transmen." She said she'd go straight for the right transman... and that profoundly surprised her... in her younger days transmen weren't part of her world so how would she know she could be attracted to these men? ((I'm trusting those reading this not to go off in the direction with it))
I guess I'm hoping you leave this blog with a better understanding of the definitions and why some people (or characters) might not identify as bisexual and while others might.
I included this short film: Thirteen Or So Minutes... gives a dramatization of how heteroflexibility could potentially happen, the chaos around accepting a different label and how the encounter could become more. You can also follow the implications of how labels affect both of these men.
Agender (non-gender): “not identifying with any gender, the feeling of having no gender.” (HTWG)
“a term used to describe a person without gender. This person can be
any physical sex, but their body does not necessarily correspond with
their lack of gender identity” [*]
Androgyne:
“1. A person whose biological sex is not readily apparent. 2. A person
who is intermediate between the two traditional genders. 3. A person who
rejects gender roles entirely.” (HTWG)
Bigender:
Bigender people identify as two genders simultaneously, or move between
them. This is not limited to man/woman and can include other genders. [*]
(Nonbinary) Butch: “Holding a nonbinary gender
identity and a butch gender expression, or claiming Butch as an identity
outside of the gender binary” [*]
Ceterosexual/Ceteroromantic: “Ceterosexual/romantic
is sexual/romantic attraction to individuals who’s genders fall under
the nonbinary umbrella. This term used to be called
skoliosexual/romantic but was renamed because the prefix “skolio-” means
“bent or crooked” which implies nonbinary individuals are abnormal or
broken. The new prefix “cetero” means “other” This term is exclusive to
trans and/or nonbinary individuals. This is because many nonbinary
individuals thought that this term could be seen as fetishistic.” It is
unclear whether this terminology will stick — and some folks are still
using skoliosexual — or if something new or more specific to certain
GQ/NB identity attraction will arise. [*]
Crossdresser: “A person who, regardless of
motivation, wears clothes, makeup, etc. that are considered by the
culture to be appropriate for another gender but no one’s own (preferred
term to “transvestite”). This gender non-conforming
behavior should not be conflated with queer sexualities. Many
cross-dressers are heterosexual and conduct their cross-dressing on a
part-time basis. Cross-dressing might also be termed gender
non-conforming behavior.” (HTWG)
Demigender: Demi- identities encompass those who
identify partially as a given gender. Some common terms are demigirl,
demiboy, demienby, and demiflux. [*] [*]
Some related terms are nanogirl/nanoboy and magigirl/magiboy to refer
to a small amount of a given gender mixed with more of another/other
genders, and a large amount of a given gender mixed with more of
another/other genders, respectively.
Enby: Derived from abbreviation NB for non-binary. Enbyfriend can be used as a neutral romantic or sexual partner term. [*] [*]
Epicene: “The term epicene literally means “common
to both sexes.” It sometimes refers to individuals who have
characteristics of both genders or someone who cannot be classified as
one sex or the other. Most often, it refers to effeminate males.” [*]
(Nonbinary) Femme: “Holding a nonbinary gender
identity and a femme gender expression, or claiming Femme as an identity
outside of the gender binary.” [*]
Gender fluid: “Referring to a gender identity
that changes with time and/or situation as opposed to a fix sex-role or
gender queer expression” [10]
Genderflux: Similar to gender fluid, but involving a shift in gender “intensity”. [*] [*]
GenderFuck: “The idea of playing with gender
cues to purposely confuse, mix, or combine a culture’s standard or
stereotypical gender expressions.” (HTWG)
Genderless: “Someone who does not have a gender at
all. Some people just don’t “get” gender or feel like they have no
gender, or a lack of gender, or an absence of gender.” [*]
Gender neutral: May refer to identities, clothing,
or behavior that are not easily categorized as masculine or feminine or a
blend of the two (androgyny). See also neutrois.
Girlfag: “A woman who is very attracted to
gay/bi men. She may (or may not) also feel she is (fully or partly) a
“gay man in a woman’s body”. Girlfags may identify primarily as bi or
straight or lesbian, and are often attracted to more types of people
than just gay/bi men.” [11]
Graygender: "a
person who identifies as (at least partially) outside the gender binary
and has a strong natural ambivalence about their gender identity or
gender expression. They feel they have a gender(s), as well as a natural
inclination or desire to express it, but it’s weak and/or somewhat
indeterminate/indefinable, or they don’t feel it most of the time, or
they’re just not that invested in it.“
Guydyke:
“A man who is very attracted to lesbian/bi women. He may (or may not)
also feel he is (fully or partly) a “lesbian in a man’s body”. Guydykes
may identify primarily as bi or straight or gay, and are often attracted
to more types of people than just lesbian/bi women.” [11]
Intergender: “A person whose gender identity is between genders or a combination of genders.” (HTWG)
Neutrois:
“There is no one definition of Neutrois, since each person that
self-identifies as such experiences their gender differently. The most
common ones are: neutral-gender, null-gender, neither male nor female
,genderless, agender.” [12]
Pangender: “A person whose gender identity is comprised of many gender expressions.” (HTWG)
Pomosexual: “The queer erotic reality beyond the
boundaries of gender, separatism, and essentialist notions of sexual
orientation”. Generally used conceptually rather than a stand-alone
identity term. See also PoMoSexuals: Challenging Assumptions About Gender and Sexuality (1997).
Trigender: “People who feel they are neither male nor female, but not androgynous either and construct their own gender.” (HTWG) Trigender
may also be used to refer to one who moves between three genders, as
bigender is used to refer to those who move between two genders.
Transmasculine: “Transmasculine is a term used to
describe transgender people who were assigned female at birth, but
identify with masculinity to a greater extent than with femininity. This
includes trans men, but transmasculine can also describe someone with a
non-binary gender who views themselves as significantly masculine, such
as demiguys. Transmasculine can also be used as a gender identity in
its own right. Although they have masculine gender identities,
transmasculine people may prefer not to conform to stereotypical
masculine gender expression or gender roles.” [*] Transfeminine: “Transfeminine is a term used to
describe transgender people who were assigned male at birth, but
identify with femininity to a greater extent than with masculinity. This
includes trans women, but transfeminine can also describe someone with a
non-binary gender who views themselves as significantly feminine, such
as demigirls. Transfeminine can also be used as a gender identity in its
own right. Although they have feminine gender identities, transfeminine
people may prefer not to conform to stereotypical feminine gender
expression or gender roles.” [*]
Transmedicalist/“Truscum” and Tucute/“Tupuke”/“Transtrender”: There
is an ongoing debate between people who believe that dysphoria and
desire to medical transition are essential to identifying as
transgender, and those who do not find these aspects to be requirements
for transgender identity, associated with the above words and
corresponding slang. Some people who do not experience dysphoria are
thought to be trying on a gender identity as a “trend”. See here for a good run-down of the history behind this debate.
Hugs, Z. Allora
E-mail: Z.AlloraHappyEndings@gmail.com Facebook: Z Allora Allora Twitter: @ZAllora Website: www.zallorabooks.com Blog: zallora.blogspot.com Pinterest: ZAllora Allora
Some people believe Dominants are born. Other's think they develop and become Dominant. As with most things I think it depends on the individual. There's NO one way to become Dominant. It's a journey as with most things in life.
In Club Zombie 2: Zombies Suck Alex Waterman always had dominant desires but based on his upbringing, life experience, and own internal struggles he didn't act on them until he went through a secondary transition aka he was (re)born a Dom.
Zombies Suck Blurb:
Forget undead corpses searching for brains. These zombies crave a
different kind of head that keeps them young forever. Club Zombie offers safe
haven, providing sexy ways to extract what they need from patrons, and the
opportunity to find their destined mate.
Alex Waterman is ashamed of his “vile, unnatural desires” and
lives a in a desolate world of loneliness and suffering until discovering… it’s
not his life. Suddenly he’s swept away to a place where his desires aren't
evil, they’re a mark of the dominant he’s born to be, and appreciative stares
and aggressive flirting replace fear and self-loathing. But one night stands
aren’t on the menu: Alex seeks “the one” to complete the missing piece of his
soul.
Boy-next-door Ulrich calls to Alex, as does the gorgeous but
self-destructive Cutter, and an element of irresistible danger clings to bad
boy Storm. How can Alex decide between three tempting possibilities?
In Zombies Suck Alex spends time with two other Dominants who assist and teach him what he needs to know. One was born to be a Dom and the other developed into one. They each interact with their submissives very differently because BDSM is not one size fits all.
Hugs, Z.
You can track me down:
E-mail: Z.AlloraHappyEndings@gmail.com Facebook: Z Allora Allora Twitter: @ZAllora Website: www.zallorabooks.com Blog: zallora.blogspot.com Pinterest: ZAllora Allora
* help us understand (better) who we are
* gives us a place to do research to discover more
* tells us we aren't alone
* allows us to find people who are like us
* communicates numerous things short hand
* affirms who we are
Labels at their worst can:
* pathologize- identify us as an other (drops us into a medical category that needs helps)
* force/imply things about us that might not be true (communicate numerous things short hand)
* used as an excuse to devalue because of your association with a label
* set up a self-fulfilling prophecy (negative = negative outcome)
* pushes you down a path that feels wrong
I think each of us needs to decide if labels work for us and if so what labels we're willing to have tacked onto us.
Not all labels that fit need to be accepted. (>>> So we could feel, act, response in a way that many people might say Ah HA you are X. But if you don't accept that label there will be a disconnect... and that's your right. No one should attach labels to you)
Sometimes people chose incorrect labels. Try to step back and simply accept the person at their word even if it is contradictory. Usually battles around labels should be fought independently and internally. Those on the outside should try to be supportive and accepting and if they can't do that than HUSH. (Yes, I said it. It's okay for someone to be wrong with their labels... It's not okay for you to demand someone correct their label.)
Here's the article you can refer to that I used to back up what observation has shown me. Labels Good Or Bad
Labels can change based on personal experience or information or can be fluid. That means all labels might not last the distance. These changes can happen instantly or develop at a snail's pace.
We as a society that seems obsessed with labels? Taglines? Why? Labels can be part of who we are but they are not the only thing that makes us who we are!
Within my writing I tend to explore labels of gender and orientation. Just people two people identify with a certain label/gender/orientation that doesn't mean they express it the same way (aka they might not express it the way we do... it doesn't lessen their right to wear that label)
In Illusions & Dreams (transgender romance set in Thailand) my characters within the same spectrum expressed that label differently. The elegant Lalana is a transwoman who didn't want or need affirmation surgery where as the sweet Boon-nam felt she couldn't start her life until she had surgery. Both were transgender... but their need to express themselves was different.
In The Dark Angels I have two hot rockers who are demi-sexual. (Demisexual is needing an emotional/spiritual connection before sexual attraction can take place) Josh couldn't see anyone but Robin and isn't even sure he's were gay because he wasn't attracted to anyone else.
On the other end of the spectrum you'll find Dusty Davis for him gender is less important than the connection... but he does have a leaning toward guys although with his family situation he's not acted on it. He doesn't change his label due to external factors until he decides its necessary.
Need help for self-harm?
If you’re not sure where to turn,
call the S.A.F.E. Alternatives information line in the U.S. at (800)
366-8288 for referrals and support for cutting and self-harm.
Cutting isn’t a suicide attempt it’s a way to give vent to emotional
pain and stress. The cut releases powerful chemicals (endorphins) that
provide relief.
Why Stop?
• The relief is short lived, and is quickly followed by other feelings like shame and guilt. Meanwhile, it keeps you from learning more effective strategies for feeling better.
• Keeping the secret from friends and family members is difficult and lonely.
• You can hurt yourself badly, even if you don’t mean to. It’s easy to misjudge the depth of a cut or end up with an infected wound.
• If you don’t learn other ways to deal with emotional pain, it puts you at risk for bigger problems down the line, including major depression, drug and alcohol addiction, and suicide.
• Self-harm can become addictive. It may start off as an impulse or something you do to feel more in control, but soon it feels like the cutting or self-harming is controlling you. It often turns into a compulsive behavior that seems impossible to stop.
Worried someone you know is cutting? Signs: Small cuts or abrasions
Mood changes
Unexplained blood spots/stains on clothing, towels or tissue
Wearing long sleeves and pants
Wanting to be alone for long periods of time
Here are some suggestions:
If you/they cut to express pain and intense emotions
• Paint, draw, or scribble on a big piece of paper with red ink or paint
• Express your feelings in a journal
• Compose a poem or song to say what you feel
• Write down any negative feelings and then rip the paper up
• Listen to music that expresses what you’re feeling If you/they cut to calm and soothe yourself
• Take a bath or hot shower
• Pet or cuddle with a dog or cat
• Wrap yourself in a warm blanket
• Massage your neck, hands, and feet
• Listen to calming music If you/they cut because you feel disconnected and numb
• Call a friend (you don’t have to talk about self-harm)
• Take a cold shower
• Hold an ice cube in the crook of your arm or leg
• Chew something with a very strong taste, like chili peppers, peppermint, or a grapefruit peel
• Go online to a self-help website, chat room, or message board If you/they cut to release tension or vent anger
• Exercise vigorously—run, dance, jump rope, or hit a punching bag
• Punch a cushion or mattress or scream into your pillow
• Squeeze a stress ball or squish Play-Doh or clay
• Rip something up (sheets of paper, a magazine)
• Make some noise (play an instrument, bang on pots and pans) Substitutes for the cutting sensation
• Use a red felt tip pen to mark where you might usually cut
• Rub ice across your skin where you might usually cut
• Put rubber bands on wrists, arms, or legs, and snap them instead of cutting or hitting
Source: The Mental Health Foundation, UK
(http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/cutting-self-harm-signs-treatment)
((FYI: I didn't rewrite I simply snapped up the information with the sources to pass it on to you in the exact format as I'm not a medical professional.))
Why am I blogging about cutting?
I've known people who have. I have some self injurious behavior and I've worked with people who did other kinds of self harm. Something a therapist said to me I found rather startling: Cutting is this generations communication.
I have a character in Zombies Aheadwho cuts. He's never learned other coping mechanisms. Cutting can become addictive. But like with anything else change needs to come from the person. No one around them can make the decisions for them (at least not in the long term). I'm sure some people will take issue with how this particular characters brought his behavior under control but it's a matter of what works for the individual.
Zombies Suck Blurb:
Forget undead corpses searching for brains. These zombies crave a
different kind of head that keeps them young forever. Club Zombie offers safe
haven, providing sexy ways to extract what they need from patrons, and the
opportunity to find their destined mate.
Alex Waterman is ashamed of his “vile, unnatural desires” and
lives a in a desolate world of loneliness and suffering until discovering… it’s
not his life. Suddenly he’s swept away to a place where his desires aren't
evil, they’re a mark of the dominant he’s born to be, and appreciative stares
and aggressive flirting replace fear and self-loathing. But one night stands
aren’t on the menu: Alex seeks “the one” to complete the missing piece of his
soul.
Boy-next-door Ulrich calls to Alex, as does the gorgeous but
self-destructive Cutter, and an element of irresistible danger clings to bad
boy Storm. How can Alex decide between three tempting possibilities?
Contact me:
E-mail: Z.AlloraHappyEndings@gmail.com
Facebook: Z Allora Allora
Twitter: @ZAllora
Website: www.zallorabooks.com
Blog: zallora.blogspot.com
Pinterest: ZAllora Allora
In romance there's a troupe that true love means no condoms =
romance...
I have several characters in my works in progress that
refuse to give up condoms even once they're in loving relationships so I thought I'd do a safe sex blogs.
The next bit is shamelessly copied from the government website because this is wonderful and exciting information we should all be aware of... (the source is below)
What is Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis (PrEP)?
"“PrEP” stands for Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis. PrEP is a way for people who don’t have HIV but who are at very high risk of getting it to prevent
HIV infection by taking a pill every day. The pill contains two
medicines that are also used to treat HIV. If you take PrEP and are
exposed to HIV through sex or injection drug use, these medicines can
work to keep the virus from taking hold in your body.
PrEP is a powerful HIV prevention tool and can be combined with
condoms and other prevention methods to provide even greater protection
than when used alone. But people who use PrEP must commit to taking the
drug every day and seeing their health care provider for follow-up every
3 months."
What is PEP?
"PEP is used for anyone who may have been exposed to HIV during a single high-risk event.
Healthcare workers are evaluated for PEP if they are exposed after:
Getting cut or stuck with a needle that was used to draw blood from a person who may have HIV infection
Getting blood or other body fluids that may have lots of HIV in their eyes or mouth
Getting blood or other body fluids that may have lots of HIV on
their skin when it is chapped, scraped, or affected by certain rashes
The risk of getting HIV infection in these ways is extremely low—fewer than 1 in 100 for all exposures.
PEP can also be used to treat people who may have been exposed to HIV
during a single high-risk event unrelated to work (e.g., during
episodes of unprotected sex, needle-sharing injection drug use, or
sexual assault).
Keep in mind that PEP should only be used in uncommon situations
right after a potential HIV exposure. PEP is not intended for long-term
use. It is not a substitute for regular use of other proven HIV prevention methods, such as pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), correct and consistent condom use or use of sterile injection equipment.
Because PEP is not 100% effective, you should continue to use condoms
with sex partners while taking PEP and should not share injection
equipment with others. This will help avoid spreading the virus to
others if you become infected. If you have repeated exposures to HIV,
you should consider PrEP."
