BDSM as a Spectrum

By Spankart

Dominant/Master/Top: in control/gives

Submissive/Bottom/Love Slave: is controlled/receives

Switch/Versatile: can play either role

The concepts seem straightforward… until you start to experience/experiment/listen to others/practice/participate...  with people who are outside your particular bubble then you realize BDSM is more of a spectrum.

On one end of the spectrum: there are individuals who think if you walk out of a scene with all your parts attached you weren’t playing hard enough. On the other side there are people whose safe word is “OUCH”.  People who want to live 24/7 and people who don’t.

That’s okay!!! There’s room for all types of BDSM expression.

However, sometimes there are judgments and expectations heaped onto the roles and rules on how they should be executed. Any deviation from the expectations equates to censure (& I’m not talking about the “you’ve been naughty” kind) but someone invalidating you and how you practice BDSM.

Please keep in mind most times, we don’t know what the people in the scene have negotiated or what the people involved had been through or what could be affecting them and what brought them to this moment… yet instead of celebrating their courage for sharing their very secret selves… sometimes we hear criticism.

Here are some favorites: “That’s insane!” “Oh that’s just sugar kink (insert eye roll)” “That’s gross!” “Can’t he take it harder?” “Lame.” “Are they crazy?” “She safeworded already! I can take more…”  

I think some BDSM communities could benefit from taking a page out of the trans community’s notebook: By only speaking for themselves & trying to limit the stereotypic expectations they place on others. Owners/Members/location drive the tone of the club, munch, dungeon, leather bar, playparty. And they can evolve or devolve based on membership… so it can be hit or miss. Don't take one experience as how it is...

I’m a love slave (too broken and have too many limits to be called a sub by most… that’s okay I don’t look for my validation in their direction.) I’ve belonged a dungeon (before it was closed in Philly), I’ve been to munches, sex clubs in Thailand, and have served my love for the last 28 years. I’m not your typical submissive... and I'm here to say: That's okay.

If you read me you know most of my characters tend to dabble in BDSM in varying degrees (got to love author projection!). Last week, I’ve gone into edits with my first BDSM novel Lock & Key.

I started writing Lock & Key because a number of my Pretty ones (=Facebook friends) have shared with me their experiences in a BDSM-type relationship where the lines between discipline and abuse were blurred. (Before my love I had a very negative relationship as well). Also I find the invalidation distressing. People who have limitations need a Master with creativity that allows them to be their most submissive self in a safe environment not censure for being a "bad sub".

I’m of the mindset BDSM can be and should be more than the typical scene we see portrayed: a Master beating a tied up sub and then getting sucked off. No judgment… that’s a perfectly acceptable scene… and some people on the spectrum would be satisfied by that… others not. I tend to want more...

I want to examine the misunderstandings of BDSM. Here are a few that come to mind:

*All subs are submissive to all dominants… (Just because you’re dominant don’t expect me to drop to my knees. You’ll get the same respect I’d give anyone else but you’re not mine so nix the expectations.)

*Submissives are 24/7 meek & silence. (The world is a big place. I’m sure there are quiet subs though I haven’t meant any not on vocal restriction)

*Master is always right. (All people have the potential to being wrong...)

*You can tell whose into BDSM...

*Subs needs don't matter.

*Everyone into BDSM goes to clubs, wears leather and collars.

*People into BDSM have a history of abuse (some do some don’t)

*All pain is bad.

*If s/he/they say they're a Master they are… (if wishes were dreams…)

*BDSM is abuse…

*BDSM can NEVER abusive

*All Submissives crave to be treated like a doormat and get off on being used…

*Masters are all alpha males 

I see BDSM as a power exchange: the gift of surrender for the appreciation of the beauty in doing so. Other people view it as something else... 

If we can accept BDSM is on a spectrum maybe we can open our minds to allow others to express their BDSM side their way. I believe there's more than one way to sub/top space.  

Hugs, Z. Allora