Has been on my mind a lot recently. I know not a happy subject. But death gets the final word on life and there's not much we can do about it (unless faced with a vampire offering us the eternal bite).
But my Pretties, you don't have to rush out to meet it. Life sucks. I will be the first to admit that basic truth but suicide isn't the answer. I've actually been down this dark path was trapped there for several years.
It was an ugly time. The death of my mother broke me. I was devastated. There was no joy in my life only absolute and continuing pain. I could barely breath it hurt so bad. Half my world was gone and all I could do was panic about losing the other half.
I couldn't find my way back to happy. I didn't even remember what happy felt like... my thoughts kept looping back to ways to relieve my constant misery.
There were days that the only reason I didn't exit life was I couldn't do that to my best friend and love of my life. I hung on for him... the other half of my world that fear was eating me alive about. Looking back, years have slipped away and I am pleased I didn't make a jackass move like offing myself.... who would write all those sex scenes for my boys?
The lesson I learned: When you can't live for yourself hang on for someone else. If you don't have anyone in your life to hang on to find someone: do it for the stranger you can give a kind word to, to the kid you can mentor, to a family member who needs you, to the place you can volunteer your time to make the world a better place....
I understand you're tired of sucking it up and hanging on to this miserable world by your fingertips but your death will accomplish much less than your life could.... Even if you can't live for you find someone/something to live for until you can live for you again.
On the other side of the most fucked up time in your life... you'll be surprised at the things and people you will find. I can't imagine denying myself the experiences I have in the past fifteen years. What a freaking waste it would have been. So I implore reach out, get help, and live for others until you can live for you....
Contact me or someone else if you need to talk. You are valuable.