BDSM as Orientation

Is BDSM just an intense and gratifying activity you participate in or is it so part of who you are on a cellular level that it is part of your orientation?

You can probably guess my feelings so I did a bit of research.

In Psychology Today’s article: Is BDSM/Kink a Hobby or a Sexual Orientation? Posted May 20, 2019, the question raised is how do you define orientation.

What defines orientation?

To quote: “different scientists think about this in different ways. Some define it in very narrow terms, looking at it specifically as something that orients us to partners based on sex or gender; however, others take a more expansive view. 

“Some argue that we have multiple sexual orientations and that the characteristics of these orientations are as follows: (a) sexual attraction that is strong and persistent; (b) relative immutability/fluidity of sexual attraction or arousal that is beyond conscious control; (c) early onset, developmentally, in childhood or adolescence; (d) significant psychological consequences to denying, exploring, fulfilling, or repressing sexual attraction and arousal; and (e) lifelong patterns of sexual attraction and arousal.” ((Psychology Today Is BDSM/Kink a Hobby or a Sexual Orientation? Posted May 20, 2019

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-myths-sex/201905/is-bdsmkink-hobby-or-sexual-orientation))

Can BDSM be an Orientation?

“If you view kink/BDSM through this lens, some research does support the idea that it may be orientation. For example, research finds that the vast majority of BDSM practitioners report that their sexual interests developed relatively early in life, specifically before the age of 25. Further, a minority of these folks (7 to 12 percent across studies) report that their interests developed around the time of puberty (between ages 10 to 12), which is when other traditional aspects of sexual orientation develop (e.g., attraction based on sex or gender).”

((Psychology Today Is BDSM/Kink a Hobby or a Sexual Orientation? Posted May 20, 2019

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-myths-sex/201905/is-bdsmkink-hobby-or-sexual-orientation))

The article doesn’t come down on one side of or the other of this argument. “They argue that the leisure and sexual orientation views of kink/BDSM are not mutually exclusive. In other words, perhaps both of them may be correct, meaning that kink/BDSM could be a leisure activity for some, but more of an orientation for others.” ((Psychology Today Is BDSM/Kink a Hobby or a Sexual Orientation? Posted May 20, 2019

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-myths-sex/201905/is-bdsmkink-hobby-or-sexual-orientation))

In my humble opinion this makes sense. For some people, BDSM could be an essential part of their sexuality and for others it might just be a leisure activity. As with Kline, I’ll point out this could alter/shift/change over time based on life, and experiences. (Not for nothing I was 4 when I figured out those things were BDSM-y hit me on a primal level.)

Once again, we are left with being forced to look inwards to determine what works for us. There is no definite right answer because it depends on the individual. (Everyone is validated!)

Iceland Embraces BDSM as an Orientation

In 2016, Iceland started to include BDSM as part of the rainbow community. I’m going to quote Andie Sophia Fontaine, “What isn’t so great is the lack of self-reflection that shows when people who do not even practice BDSM feel they have the other authority to tell those who do that it’s not an orientation but a lifestyle choice. Members of the queer community have fought for decades to have their sexual orientations recognised as such, and it’s a struggle that continues to this day. It is therefore sad and frustrating to hear voices arise within this community using the exact same arguments that have been used against them, often to justify discrimination and oppression, only aiming them at another group of people.

Human rights don’t just apply to people you agree with. They’re not called “friend’s rights”, after all. We apply them to everyone. People who deny kinksters the right to define their orientation and dismiss their personal experiences with prejudice are only proving the point. Fighting oppression and liberating the marginalised should be everyone’s fight. We cannot do this if we lack the awareness of our own prejudices, and discriminate against others in ways we would never want to be discriminated against ourselves. We are all in this together. It’s high time we started acting like it.”

((BDSM, Sexual Orientation, And Prejudice Published March 9, 2016 written by Andie Sophia Fontaine https://grapevine.is/mag/column-opinion/2016/03/09/9946118)

In an article written by James Besanvalle, he says, “In 2016, members of the National Queer Organization — established just over 40 years ago — voted to include the BDSM community into the organization, causing irreparable damage with some of the early pioneers of the movement…The decision shook the LGBTI community to its core.

But since then, the LGBTI community has grown from strength to strength. As recent as last week (20 June), the Nordic country passed a law to make it easier for trans and non-binary people to change their legal gender.”  June 24, 2019.

(Rainbow Reykjavik: Iceland’s Winter Pride packs a super cool punch)

Where is the USA on BDSM as an Orientation?

National Public Radio did a broadcast: LGBTQ…K?: Kink’s Place in the Alphabet Soup of Queerness By: Juli Holbert, Ky Cobb  Posted on: Tuesday, April 3, 2018 I’d like to share some of the transcript with you.

“Kink is defined as “an unconventional sexual taste or behavior.” Many in the “kinky” community subscribe to BDSM as a defining element of their sexuality. BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism.

There are some people like Crane who believe kink is an essential part of their sexuality and not something they can “choose.”

“And it has its own set of rules, it’s own spectrum in terms of intensity and who you’re interacting with,” Crane said.

And while many members of the LGBTQ community feel the same way about their sexuality, they also believe “kink” is just… not queer.

“Kinky people who are a part of the LGBT community also experience discrimination from within the LGBT community,” Crane said. “Kinkaphobia towards people who are kinky in the LGBT community; they’re outcasted because they think it’s such a taboo subject that they don’t want to talk about it.”

Leigh Ferrero, a queer senior at Ohio University, believes while kink as an identity is valid, it does not belong on the same spectrum as sexuality.

“LGBT people have already been stigmatized so much already, and BDSM has its own stigmas, but I don’t think it’s very fair to equate those,” Ferrero said. “Especially when BDSM is more of a preference-based kind of thing, not so much a sexuality.” ((https://woub.org/2018/04/03/lgbtq-k-kinks-place-alphabet-soup-queerness))

Should K be included in the alphabet-soup acronym?

At the time of this here are some variations: LGBTQQIP2SAA, LGBTQQICAPF2K, LGGBDTTTIQQAAPP

The first acronym stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, questioning, intersex, pansexual, two-spirit, androgynous and asexual. The second one includes K for kink (BDSM).

It seems overly much until you realize people are looking for identity and community. And I’m not going to fall on the side of the fence that denies anyone. There are people in the world where BDSM is part or all of their orientation and there are people who BDSM recreationally > Both are valid..

Always seek your own truth.

I’d love to hear from you so comment here or use the contact information to touch base with me privately.

Many hugs,

Z. Allora

To contact Z. Allora:

E-mail: Z.AlloraHappyEndings@gmail.com

FACEBOOK:   Z Allora Allora

Website: www.zallorabooks.com

Twitter: @ZAllora

Blog: http://zallora.blogspot.com

Dreamspinner: https://bit.ly/2Jv14r1

BIO: Z. Allora believes in happily ever after for everyone. She met her own true love through the personals and has traveled to over thirty countries with him. She’s lived in Singapore, Israel and China. Now back home to the USA she’s an active member of PFLAG and a strong supporter of those on the rainbow in her community. She wants to promote understanding and acceptance through her actions and words. Writing rainbow romance allows her the opportunity to open hearts and change minds.

One of my Favorite Scenes is a 1st Kiss

I adore Love By Chance.
The couple Ae & Pete warm my heart.
This is one of my favorite episodes but my favorite scene is 15 minutes before the end.
Watch the whole thing or skip to the sweet first kiss (the movie theater scene is sugar as well)
Enjoy!
Hugs, Z.

To Love By Chance Epi 4 4/4 eng sub

On the Quest for Happy Endings

If you know me at all I'm always up for a happy ending. It annoys some people but I simply won't invest my time, money, and effort into being sad. Life is sad enough and I'm seeking the happy.

So I was told in Japan a sad movie is everyone dies including the dog... in a happy movie everyone dies but the dog lives.

NOOOOOOOOO!

Sigh, so I set out to find a bit of happiness in Japan. I've found PLENTY!

I want to share two movies:

Ai no Kotodama from 2008 has some internalized homophobia due to where Japan (& most of the world was in terms of the rainbow in 2008). It's high school sweethearts dealing with college and trying to find their way together. This story simply shows LOVE IS LOVE! 

Here's the link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3ANR2r-Q3s&t=2117s

Junjou Pure Heart (2010) What happens when 1st love comes back into your life. Are you able to take the chance you were too young to take last time? (Psst, yes they take the chance.) There's a bit of aggression but nothing goes into the realm of noncon. When their heads touch at the end > it's EVERYTHING.

Here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Do3U4v7867M

Happy Movie Watching!

Hugs, Z. Allora

Non Con & Rape in BL Dramas/Fiction/Yaoi

So let me be clear: Rape Culture is everywhere... in every country... in every part of society.
We've been ingesting it since the beginning of time.
In recent decades, we have begun to acknowledge the issue and have started to speak out on the topic.
I'm not looking to debate rape is bad. Rape is not based in love but violence and lack of respect for the other person.
However, at times we see it in TV, movies, in romances, yaois, and in BL drama (M/M romance dramas) shown in a twisted way that makes it seem okay.
The normalization of rape seeps into us...
I'm posting this vloggers video because I think she addresses the subject and wants to start a conversation. She focuses on BL out of Thailand but is not (and neither am I) saying that that's the only place the problem is... cause it's not.
But since I write in a yaoified fashion I need to own up to how some things are portrayed.

What's the answer?
Acknowledging the issue is a good start. If you're able give feedback to the writers, and directors when they get it right and when they get it wrong that would be awesome in moving into a better direction. (I've had more than one beta/alpha reader and editors pull me back and say you know that this sounds like you're saying this is okay... whether my unconscious ingestion, lack of writing talent or confusion I made sure it was fixed.)
Educating yourself and others and parents (both current & future) teaching and correcting your child's view on this subject would go a long way in making the world safer.
This is on all of us to make a better world.
Many hugs, Z.

What is Domestic Discipline?

A relationship where one partner is the more dominant or the Head of the Household (HoH). They have the responsibility of making the final decisions and help their partner meet their goals. The more submissive partner is called Taken in Hand (TiH). They seek the guidance of the HoH. When the TiH acts out, breaks established rules or is working counter to their own best interest they are punished. The HoH and the TiH work together to find balance in their life.

Much of what’s out there is based on heterosexual couples this is not to say polyamorous people can’t utilize this in their relationships, or same sex couples can’t (obliviously!) nor is it to suggest the partners must only be in one role. In some of DD relationships each partner can hold each role and act accordingly. it just might take a bit of digging to find what reflects what you are looking for in domestic discipline.

Communication & Negotiation

As with most things I blog about here > I stress communication. People have difficulties working without an understanding of the rules. First thing is to set the rules because Domestic Discipline and then decide on the consequences for not following the rules.

Discuss how this will work? Who is in charge? (And possibly when?)

Talk! Try, and then reassess. Figure out what works and what doesn’t.

Rules

To start most list their rules and goals for the TiH. These rules help the HoH guide as well as keep the TiH on track. Setting goals, keeping track, and receiving consequences is key to the DD relationships.

Rewards motivate and punishments deterrent.

There’s a lot of talk of the 3 D’s. These are rules to avoid dishonesty, disrespect, and disobedience. They along with rules about Safety & Health are the cornerstones of the DD relationship.

Once the rules are agreed upon, people might set goals and work toward them.

Sometimes, the punishments may start with a verbal warning to remind the TiH of discipline attached to continuing the behavior. That may be enough to bring the TiH back in line.

Discipline

Usually I’ve seen lots of discussions on spankings, early bedtimes, corner time, taking away a privilege (TV time) and groundings. However the punishment is meant to be unpleasant enough to help the TiH to avoid the behavior/action, and therefore should be specific to the TiH.

Aftercare

Just like with BDSM, aftercare ensures the TiH feels safe, and calm. This is important to reinforce the relationship. Usually because this type of relationship is in a marriage or partnership making sure the TiH feels loved is vital. Aftercare can range from sex to petting to talking, anything that helps transit the person back to moving forward.

Why Domestic Discipline instead of BDSM?

As you can see there are plenty of similarities and crossovers.

Though in BDSM the activity can be done separate from life but with HoH it’s integrated as part of their life. (This isn’t to say that BDSM can’t be merged into one’s life as well.)

There is no safeword to stop the punishment in Domestic Discipline because there is no pushing of boundaries. The punishments have been agreed on by the TiH, and aren’t meant to be extreme. There aren’t built in outs.

In DD, discipline is punishment for breaking a rule, and maintenance/reminder punishments are to help keep the TiH on track. They can reinforce the relationship.

The HoH(s) and TiH(s) are usually in a loving relationship, and it is like any other partnership. There are disagreements, debate, but the decision falls to the HoH. ((In BDSM the loving relationship may or may not be part of it… breaking and confusing my romance writing heart! But those are the facts.))

Punishments are not given to the TiH to simply endure the pain or prove their submission. They are provided as guidance and consequences.

While some TiH might be turned on by spankings, corner time, early bedtime, etc. that’s not usually the goal or expectation.

How Do You Decide if You Want BDSM or DD?

It comes down to how you want to define your world, and how you want things to work.

In DD, there’s usually no safeword and it’s not connected (directly) to sexual expression but it must be consensual. (Even as I type this I know there’s some people in BDSM relationships who would say that’s how they live too but they call it something else. That’s fine and valid.)

Remember this is about you and your partner(s). Do what’s right for you.

This is an excerpt from Zombies Blow (M/M/M fated mates work in progress)

Background: Corey and Jax have played in BDSM clubs but Corey has never been satisfied by that. He’s needed more. Someone to help him do better. This scene takes place after he’s been missing most of the day.

“This is the second time you’ve been irresponsible.” Jackson frowned.

Not liking Jackson’s expression, Corey shoved his hands into his short pockets, and ducked his head. “What do you want me to say?”

Cause right now he’d say anything, do anything not to feel so terrible. Jackson worried about him and Corey was careless. From the look of Keith, he wasn’t unaffected.

“You’ve been immature and petty, haven’t you?” Keith’s were stern and measured.

He wasn’t wrong. Corey nodded…and waited.

Would he finally get what he’d always craved? Could Keith take him in hand and call him on his bullshit? He needed to be held accountable. Corey wanted to be good person but sometimes nastiness crept over him morphing into some selfish terrible creature he didn’t want to be. Would Keith be able to help him?

“Corey, could you use your words?” Jackson asked as the overly zealous assistant.

He almost fell into the old comfortable pattern of shoving Jackson back away from where Corey needed to go but one look at the spark in Jackson’s eyes told him his lover of twenty years had gotten a new playbook from Keith. ”Yes, I wasn’t thinking and I was selfish. I was upset and just needed to get out of here.”

“Why didn’t you come talk to Jax or me?”

Corey shrugged. “I figured you two wouldn’t even know I was gone.”

“Corey, you know that’s not true.” Jackson sighed.

"Playing games and seeking attention isn’t part of an adult relationships. Has Jackson ever treated you that way?" Keith asked.

"No sir,” he replied. The sir slipped out as naturally as breathing.

Unlike the BDSM scenes, this felt real and meaningful. This was what Corey wanted.

Jackson patted him on the shoulder letting Corey know he was on the right path.

”Well, I think you need to be punished. Don’t you agree?“ The determined set of Keith’s jaw made Corey shiver.

Did he? Fuck! Yeah, he did.

Finally! Corey’s dick lengthen and took more interest in the goings on.

A muscle under Keith’s left eye twitched. “Corey, please answer me. Do you deserve to be punished?”

No, no, of course not. What was Keith crazy? A combination of desperate need and want made him spit out, “Yes, Keith.”

What the fuck am I getting into?

Keith winked at him reassuring Corey nothing too terrible would take place.

Zombies Blow

Each relationship is different and might even evolve over time. Figure out what works for you and attach (or not) whatever label you want.

Always seek your own truth.

I’d love to hear from you so feel free to use the contact information and touch base with me.

Many hugs,

Z. Allora

To contact Z. Allora:

E-mail: Z.AlloraHappyEndings@gmail.com

FACEBOOK:   Z Allora Allora

Website: www.zallorabooks.com

Twitter: @ZAllora

Blog: http://zallora.blogspot.com

Dreamspinner: https://bit.ly/2Jv14r1

Deleted Scene from Zombies Blow

Sometimes editors know best... but it's hard for an author to toss away a scene... so I give you Corey The Tooth Pincher deleted from Chapter 2 of Zombies Blow. 

 

Corey the Tooth Pincher Deleted Scene from Chapter 2

“Suck me!” the stranger demanded. His hand tightened in Jackson’s hair.

Corey growled.

Oh, shit! Jackson saw the nerve underneath Corey’s eye twitch, a warning someone was going to be sorry if they didn’t back off.

Jackson slid his mouth off the guy’s cock and along the side of the shaft so he could reach Corey’s lips with his. It was like kissing around a dick but sometimes, just knowing they were in this together calmed Corey.

Corey Anderson was Jackson’s mate, and they’d been together almost as soon as Jackson had transitioned into being a zombie. Corey was kind, sweet, and he longed to serve. Jackson wouldn’t trade him for anything or anyone. He had never known anyone who enjoyed blowing a guy as much as Corey. Jackson could take it or leave it unless it was Corey, but Corey actually loved the activity.

Here in Club Zombie’s BDSM room, they were on their knees sucking on a Dominant… looking for their third mate. So “suck me” wasn’t an outlandish request, but the guy’s tone….

“Come on, faster, you little bitch,” the Dom snarled, pulling on Corey’s hair.

Oh, no. Corey would not appreciate—

“Ow!” the demanding Dom hollered. He pulled away cupping his dick.

“Problem?” Alex appeared like an overzealous hall monitor. Granted, it was his role this evening to ensure the safety of all who played. Which was good but also bad, because Alex wouldn’t let anything slide.

“Fuck! He bit me,” Suck Me Now Dom complained.

Corey batted his eyelashes. “Oh, so sorry. Ever since I got my braces off, I have trouble—”

Oh, sweet Jesus! Jackson barely restrained the snort. His mate was not someone who tolerated jackass randoms who thought they were owed something.

“How old are you?” The guy clenched his fists and frowning, loomed over the very young-looking Corey.

Jackson stood to his full height of six foot three and narrowed his gaze on the would-be Dom. “Now it’s my turn not to like the tone you’re taking.”

“But that little bastard bit my dick.” He held his junk and gestured at Corey.

“To be fair, I think it was more of a tooth pinch….” How Corey maintained a straight face was anyone’s guess.

Mr. Dom sputtered.

The only thing that stopped Jackson from taking the asshat apart was Lafayette and Beau’s hands on his shoulders, holding him in place.

He put up both hands in surrender. “I’m good. You know me.”

They did, which was why Lafayette patted him on the back but didn’t drop his massive restraining hand.

Beau gave him a kiss on the cheek. “He’s not worth getting blood on your hands for. Corey doesn’t do gore.”

Jackson nodded, though he didn’t completely agree.

Alex examined the man’s equipment or as much as the angry Dom allowed, and concluded, “It doesn’t look like you need first aid.”

“It’s fine. I’m out of here.” The guy zipped up and left in a huff.

Folding his arms over his chest, Alex cocked an eyebrow. “Corey, he had teeth marks on his cock.”

“Oops.” Corey shrugged in a poor attempt at feigning innocence.

He was so fucking adorable, Jackson couldn’t help but swat him on the butt.

Corey moaned and cuddled into Jackson with a sly smile.

Frowning, Alex gave Corey an “I’m disappointed in you” look that did nothing except make Corey roll his eyes.

“The guy was lucky I didn’t chomp off his cock and balls.” Corey grinned with all of his teeth and clamped them together several times as if to demonstrate.

Cutter, Alex’s mate, sidled up to Alex and was immediately tucked under Alex’s protective arm.

“Hey, Cut. Sorry for needing your mate to supervise me.” Then Corey glanced around and asked, “Where’re Storm and Ulrich?”

“They scheduled a bubble bath with hand jobs… while we are here.” Cutter beamed at Alex.

Corey’s lower lip puffed out, and he sighed. All the teasing defiance leeched out of him.

Alex huffed out a breath, like he was gearing up to a lecture, and Corey must have noticed the direction had shifted, so he nudged Jackson in warning. “Jackson and I are leaving. Our Master isn’t here.”

“You mean our third mate?” Sometimes Corey switched topics and gave Jackson whiplash.

Corey shrugged as he tried to hide the despair growing in him. “You say mate I say master….”

“Sure. Come on eunuch-maker-in-training.” Jackson interlaced their fingers and guided Corey home.

 

Buy Link: https://amzn.to/36Od5oa

Location, Location, Location

The location of the story is crucial to how I write a character because places impact us.

I write stories set in places I’ve visited or lived because location determines so much about people: their attitudes, their use of language, the filters they see the world through, what they’ve had to deal with, how they deal with it, etc.

As with each of my stories, I worship atypical characters that are on the edges because I validate everyone especially though folks on the fringes. I find the uniqueness that emanates from differences intoxicating. Where the person is from determines the details of what they have had to deal with in their past and affect how they view current and future events.

Stereotypes, in general, suck. However, knowing what the “stereotypes” are in an area allows me to acknowledge what the person may have endured (especially if they don’t agree with it or have fought against it). It’s fascinating to me to figure out how a character is affected by the stereotypes they grew up with?

One of the most important things is how do my characters deal with not only what’s thrown at them but how people see them. What do they carry into the world with them because of the baggage the stereotype forces on them? How does this affect their relationships? Their mannerisms….

The Longest Night is set in Upstate NY (Albany). I grew up 10 miles away in Schenectady, NY so I’m very familiar with societal expectations/beliefs from that particular area.

One of the stereotypes I examined through this story is the heavy machismo overtones. My characters came of age with expectation men needed to be manly. (Probably in most parts of the USA, but I’m most familiar with the brand of sexism from this area and how it was translated in day-to-day life.)

So, while my character Benjamin physically meets the criteria of being a man’s man (big and muscular), he’s a sub. In his early 20’s, this stereotype encouraged him to meet the expectations society had about what it meant to be a man, but now in his 30’s he’s no longer willing to compromise who he is or settle for something that doesn’t meet his needs. His struggle happened before the story, so we only see the results and how he deals with them going forward.

Foster, the Dominant, has dealt with the opposite problem. People would see his slender, almost delicate frame as weak and the opposite of control. His struggle was needing to learn how to defend himself and how to dominate people who were much bigger than himself.

Turning these stereotypes upside down pleases both of these men. Benjamin is a sub and countering the manly man stereotype by submitting adds an extra kick for him. Foster gets a boost from dominating larger men. They both acknowledge the fetish-y nature of part of their attraction to each other but it goes much deeper than stereotypes Albany, NY force fed them.

Here’s a peek at The Longest Night

The holiday season is lonely for construction worker Benjamin Morgan, a big muscular guy who just wants to submit, obey, and serve. But the men he’s attracted to usually don’t have a dominant bone in their bodies. He’s done seeking his BDSM dreams with someone who isn’t interested in putting him in his rightful place—on his knees at their feet.

When a friend sets up a meeting with Foster Ridgeway at the BDSM club, Entiwned, Benjamin has his doubts. Of course he is attracted to bookish Foster, who works for the same construction company, but how will someone so small and delicate-looking master Benjamin? But when Foster--the tiny temple of dominance wielding a crop--heads toward Benjamin, he might get what he’s always wanted, just in time for Solstice.

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