A relationship where
one partner is the more dominant or the Head of the Household (HoH). They have
the responsibility of making the final decisions and help their partner meet
their goals. The more submissive partner is called Taken in Hand (TiH). They
seek the guidance of the HoH. When the TiH acts out, breaks established rules
or is working counter to their own best interest they are punished. The HoH and
the TiH work together to find balance in their life.
Much of what’s out
there is based on heterosexual couples this is not to say polyamorous people
can’t utilize this in their relationships, or same sex couples can’t
(obliviously!) nor is it to suggest the partners must only be in one role. In
some of DD relationships each partner can hold each role and act accordingly.
it just might take a bit of digging to find what reflects what you are looking
for in domestic discipline.
Communication & Negotiation
As with most things
I blog about here > I stress communication. People have difficulties working
without an understanding of the rules. First thing is to set the rules because
Domestic Discipline and then decide on the consequences for not following the rules.
Discuss how this
will work? Who is in charge? (And possibly when?)
Talk! Try, and then
reassess. Figure out what works and what doesn’t.
Rules
To start most list their
rules and goals for the TiH. These rules help the HoH guide as well as keep the
TiH on track. Setting goals, keeping track, and receiving consequences is key
to the DD relationships.
Rewards motivate and
punishments deterrent.
There’s a lot of
talk of the 3 D’s. These are rules to avoid dishonesty, disrespect, and disobedience.
They along with rules about Safety & Health are the cornerstones of the DD
relationship.
Once the rules are
agreed upon, people might set goals and work toward them.
Sometimes, the
punishments may start with a verbal warning to remind the TiH of discipline
attached to continuing the behavior. That may be enough to bring the TiH back
in line.
Discipline
Usually I’ve seen
lots of discussions on spankings, early bedtimes, corner time, taking away a
privilege (TV time) and groundings. However the punishment is meant to be
unpleasant enough to help the TiH to avoid the behavior/action, and therefore
should be specific to the TiH.
Aftercare
Just like with BDSM,
aftercare ensures the TiH feels safe, and calm. This is important to reinforce
the relationship. Usually because this type of relationship is in a marriage or
partnership making sure the TiH feels loved is vital. Aftercare can range from
sex to petting to talking, anything that helps transit the person back to
moving forward.
Why Domestic Discipline instead of BDSM?
As you can see there
are plenty of similarities and crossovers.
Though in BDSM the
activity can be done separate from life but with HoH it’s integrated as part of
their life. (This isn’t to say that BDSM can’t be merged into one’s life as
well.)
There is no safeword
to stop the punishment in Domestic Discipline because there is no pushing of
boundaries. The punishments have been agreed on by the TiH, and aren’t meant to
be extreme. There aren’t built in outs.
In DD, discipline is
punishment for breaking a rule, and maintenance/reminder punishments are to
help keep the TiH on track. They can reinforce the relationship.
The HoH(s) and TiH(s)
are usually in a loving relationship, and it is like any other partnership.
There are disagreements, debate, but the decision falls to the HoH. ((In BDSM
the loving relationship may or may not be part of it… breaking and confusing my
romance writing heart! But those are the facts.))
Punishments are not
given to the TiH to simply endure the pain or prove their submission. They are
provided as guidance and consequences.
While some TiH might
be turned on by spankings, corner time, early bedtime, etc. that’s not usually
the goal or expectation.
How Do You Decide if You Want BDSM or DD?
It comes down to how
you want to define your world, and how you want things to work.
In DD, there’s
usually no safeword and it’s not connected (directly) to sexual expression but
it must be consensual. (Even as I type this I know there’s some people in BDSM
relationships who would say that’s how they live too but they call it something
else. That’s fine and valid.)
Remember this is
about you and your partner(s). Do what’s right for you.
This is an excerpt from Zombies Blow (M/M/M fated mates
work in progress)
Background: Corey
and Jax have played in BDSM clubs but Corey has never been satisfied by that.
He’s needed more. Someone to help him do better. This scene takes place after
he’s been missing most of the day.
“This is the second time you’ve been
irresponsible.” Jackson frowned.
Not liking Jackson’s expression, Corey
shoved his hands into his short pockets, and ducked his head. “What do you want
me to say?”
Cause right now he’d say anything, do
anything not to feel so terrible. Jackson worried about him and Corey was
careless. From the look of Keith, he wasn’t unaffected.
“You’ve been immature and petty,
haven’t you?” Keith’s were stern and measured.
He wasn’t wrong. Corey nodded…and
waited.
Would he finally get what he’d always
craved? Could Keith take him in hand and call him on his bullshit? He needed to
be held accountable. Corey wanted to be good person but sometimes nastiness
crept over him morphing into some selfish terrible creature he didn’t want to
be. Would Keith be able to help him?
“Corey, could you use your words?”
Jackson asked as the overly zealous assistant.
He almost fell into the old
comfortable pattern of shoving Jackson back away from where Corey needed to go
but one look at the spark in Jackson’s eyes told him his lover of twenty years
had gotten a new playbook from Keith. ”Yes, I wasn’t thinking and I was
selfish. I was upset and just needed to get out of here.”
“Why didn’t you come talk to Jax or
me?”
Corey shrugged. “I figured you two
wouldn’t even know I was gone.”
“Corey, you know that’s not true.”
Jackson sighed.
"Playing games and seeking
attention isn’t part of an adult relationships. Has Jackson ever treated you
that way?" Keith asked.
"No sir,” he replied. The sir
slipped out as naturally as breathing.
Unlike the BDSM scenes, this felt real
and meaningful. This was what Corey wanted.
Jackson patted him on the shoulder
letting Corey know he was on the right path.
”Well, I think you need to be
punished. Don’t you agree?“ The determined set of Keith’s jaw made Corey shiver.
Did he? Fuck! Yeah, he did.
Finally! Corey’s dick lengthen and
took more interest in the goings on.
A muscle under Keith’s left eye
twitched. “Corey, please answer me. Do you deserve to be punished?”
No, no, of course not. What was Keith
crazy? A combination of desperate need and want made him spit out, “Yes,
Keith.”
What the fuck am I getting into?
Keith winked at him reassuring Corey nothing too terrible would
take place.
Each relationship is
different and might even evolve over time. Figure out what works for you and
attach (or not) whatever label you want.
Always seek your own truth.
I’d love to hear from you so feel free to use the contact
information and touch base with me.
Many hugs,
Z. Allora
To contact Z. Allora:
E-mail:
Z.AlloraHappyEndings@gmail.com
FACEBOOK: Z Allora Allora
Website: www.zallorabooks.com
Twitter: @ZAllora
Dreamspinner: https://bit.ly/2Jv14r1
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