Difference Between BDSM Dreams and Reality
With much of BDSM romance, and maybe in romance in general,
there’s a soft focus. Reality may or may not enter into the scheme of things.
I’m not here to cast judgment either way. Some adore realism and others want
fantasy and some want a bit of realistic fantasy in their BDSM. All these ways
are relevant and valid I cast no stones but there can be differences in BDSM
dreams and reality.
When I write BDSM I tend to focus on the perfection of it as
opposed to the epic fails (unless it’s part of the story line). I don’t think
that’s a bad thing but it’s not always reality… but many readers aren’t looking
for reality in a romance. They want the picture-perfect escape from their
day-to-day.
So today, I want to explore the reality of BDSM and finding ways
around “reality” to allow us more freedom to play in the fantasy of it.
Be you a novice or hard core 24/7 practitioner or somewhere
in between: Life Happens. Unexpected things come up and can derail your
best intentions of a kickass BDSM scene. I’m only going to look at a few problems
life can toss in your direction but it will give you an idea (and hope) on how
to handle the issues in your sphere.
Health issues
Both big and small can impact your BDSM play. This is where
communication is key. The Dom needs to understand exactly what the issue is and
explore the limitations of it with you (or you with them). Be it recovering
from surgery, a cold or simply a sore back you don’t want BDSM making something
worse.
I know it sucks. Limitations can feel bad making you feel
inadequate, damaged or just damned depressed but instead try to see these
issues as an opportunity. It’s a way to give a creative challenge to the Dom(s).
Being forced to change things up can allow you to discover a new spice you
didn’t know you’d enjoy.
Be mindful when you are sick pain registers differently so
what you can tolerate might be different than normal. Be kind to yourself.
Some reality work arounds suggestions:
Colds/Allergies: aren’t time to do breath play so maybe it
might be the time to be tied down so you can rest.
Bad backs or injured limbs: Bondage (beyond the simplest
ties) might be off the table but blindfolds and light stim might be okay.
Recovering from surgery: Following your doctor’s
restrictions is incredibly important so make your limitations clear. Any pain,
sensation or temperature related activity should be done with much care since
tolerances might have been affected by the surgery. RECOVER 1st. But
possibly following simple commands or doing your physical therapy under the
direction of the Dom can be rewarding.
You might use the time to pull out the BDSM checklist and
look at the options. Find things that don’t impact your ailment and might be
interesting to try.
Read a BDSM story or movie together. Talk about the parts
you liked and what you’d love to try.
Obliviously if it’s the Dom’s issue (s/he/they) will handle
it. (Though a note to the sweet subs among us: Make sure your big bad Dom isn’t
being a dullard and harming him/herself for you. Also based on the issue you
may not want to participate in certain activities with a Dom whose not a 100%
so don’t be afraid to refuse an activity.)
*With any health issue follow medical advice from your doctor!!!!!*
Time issues
Our worlds are complex we juggle jobs, kids, aging/ill
parents, friends, errands, writing, reading, etc. all while accomplishing the
tasks of daily living. There are a lot of moving parts and sometimes BDSM time
can suffer.
Here’s some things you already know but may want to actually
try:
*Making dates for BDSM play/smexy times can help. Setting
aside time for a scene. For many a scene starts when the planning begins. It
gives you something to anticipate. Sometimes you can do some of the preparation
ahead of time. Anything you do before hand to prepare allows you more playtime.
*Always keep your gear clean and in one place if possible.
If not gather items so they are ready when you are.
*Sometimes picking equipment that takes speed into
consideration is a good idea. I love Shibari (> fancy Japanese
bondage style that can be time intensive) but sometimes Velcro bondage cuffs can
get me to the same place. The Dom(s) might consider pre-ties that remain hidden
most of the time but can but pulled into immediate action cutting down on prep
time.
*Quickie BDSM:
I know some people are appalled at me for suggesting a
shorten scene but sometimes you need the connection and don’t have time for
extended play. (Sometimes a little is better than nothing > and sometimes
not. It depends on where you are in your headspace.)
Here’s what a quickie scene might look like:
“Hands on the counter. Don’t move.” This is an easy setup
for a predicament scene.
The Dom could do any number of things: kiss, lick, remove an
item of clothing, tickle. While the sub must remain still.
Instead of sex a warm hug and cuddle can bring the scene to
a close.
Or whatever works in your world.
This won’t replace a full scene and you may not get to
Top/subspace but when time is short it can help reset or at least tide you over
until you can do a full scene.
The scene isn’t working
In romance everything usually flows beautifully (unless it’s
part of the storyline). The timing is perfect and all needs of those
participating are met.
In reality this does happen just not a 100% of the time—
when it does angels sing. Other times the scene might not be exactly perfect but
you make it work. Most of the time it’s somewhere in between these two. But
sometimes it can be a bit rocky.
You thought an activity would bring you to Nirvana but it’s
bringing you to Hell you might consider your SAFEWORD.
Life is too short to stick out a bad scene.
There are NO BDSM Clubs in my area
Lots of romances (including my own) have fabulous clubs
plucked from our BDSM dreams. Amazing palaces of BDSM pleasures filled with
perfection… but what if there is no club in your area. Sometimes BDSM clubs are
illegal in the place you live or the closest one is miles away and traveling
all those miles has no appeal. (Or perhaps you don’t want to go to a club
because you’re not into exhibitionism, don’t want to pay the admission fees, or
the fear of the club isn’t clean or well-maintained.)
Join local BDSM boards. Get to know people. Meet for coffee
with folks and/or attend a munch (>non-activity BDSM gathering usually over
a meal to discuss anything from the weather to hardcore scenes). Getting to
know the community in your area, might get you an invitation to a private play
party (usually in someone’s home) or you can seek out parties on the boards.
Caution: Make sure you understand the rules. I’ve heard of some where the subs
who attend can’t refuse anything with anyone. Some are more swing parties than BDSM
gatherings. Just clarify what the expectations are to see if they meet yours.
The answer might be to do scenes in the privacy of your own
home. Make the space you use what you want it to be. You’re completely in
charge of the setup, equipment, atmosphere… But remember there’s not the safety
net of others monitoring the activities so knowing the person/people doing the
scene with you and negotiating the activities is vital.
People in the Scene are always nice…or not
Mostly people into BDSM in my experience are rather lovely.
However there have been some standout loser stereotypes
among the people I’ve met:
The arrogant know-it-all Dom who thinks subs are doormats.
The innocent sub who knows nothing. (LOL) I’ve actually
never met one of those because usually the subs drive the conversations at
munches as well as introducing their Dom(s) to new toys/activities.
The wanna-to-be Dom who thinks s/he needs to be an asshole
to be Dominant.
The rebel without a clue: S/he/they doesn’t know the rules
and thinks it’s super awesome to break them cause they’re above them…even
though they don’t know what they are.
When you run into someone who is being an ass handle them
the same ways you would in your day-to-day life: avoid them, or explain why
they make you uncomfortable. Having a script ready to deal with difficult
people can save you. “I’m sorry my Dom wouldn’t approve” or “Thank you but I’m
not interested.”
Remember just because you’re in a BDSM environment doesn’t
mean people have the right to mistreat you.
The look of BDSM
In BDSM romance everyone is fit, pretty, and is wearing customized
leather. At many clubs there usually is a dress codes which involves leather,
fetish wear or power dressing… but many people in reality don’t wear leather day-to-day.
(Though for some its part of what they need)
Don’t be intimidated or forced into the idea only people
with a certain look can be a part of the BDSM community. (If you need confirmation
of this look at amateur BDSM porn…)
Some people are gorgeous with incredible bodies but most people
I’ve seen are averagely attractive people with various body types. Though maybe
it’s the glow of confidence about people being their true selves that make me
see them as incredibly beautiful. (Also, the delicious kinkiness of their minds
can entice drooling as well.)
Un-romantic Interests
Some people have some pretty “un-romantic” cravings. They
are looking for extreme humiliation: being a money pig (forced to give money to
a Dom), used as a toilet, forced to eat terrible things, called terribly
degrading slurs, being treated inhumanely, nullification, etc. You get the
idea. No judgement for the people getting what they want but there are large
parts that stray from the romantic view of BDSM.
If you have rougher longings they aren’t bad so stop judging
yourself if you have them. Find people with similar interests and find your
happiness. As you are fulfilling them try to keep things: safe, sane, and
consensual.
As with anything else don’t participate in things that make
you uncomfortable. You do you.
Sometimes BDSM reality isn’t always romantic or even as fabulous
as I’d like to believe but if you work at it you can make your BDSM world
closer to your BDSM dreams and fantasies.
Always seek your own truth.
I’d love to hear from you so comment here or use the
contact information to touch base with me privately.
Many hugs,
Z. Allora
To contact Z. Allora:
E-mail: Z.AlloraHappyEndings@gmail.com
Website: www.zallorabooks.com
Twitter: @ZAllora
Dreamspinner: https://bit.ly/2Jv14r1
BIO: Z. Allora believes in happily ever after for
everyone. She met her own true love through the personals and has traveled to
over thirty countries with him. She’s lived in Singapore, Israel and China. Now
back home to the USA she’s an active member of PFLAG and a strong supporter of
those on the rainbow in her community. She wants to promote understanding and
acceptance through her actions and words. Writing rainbow romance allows her
the opportunity to open hearts and change minds.
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