How to get your BDSM dreams met…

Society attempts to embarrass and take away our sexuality by demonizing sexual expression especially from AFABs (people assigned female at birth). I could write a very long blog presenting evidence but just watch TV.

How are sexually expressive people shown? It’s rare to see a positive representation of sexual people (BTW we saw this in action with Sex & the City’s Samantha and with Brian on Queer as Folk. Two sexual characters and they both got cancer that hit them in their sexuality… so yeah even when the character is celebrated there always seems to be negative consequences.)

Another way to verify this is thinking about how people talk about sex in day to day? The expectation is sex is not discussed or spoken about in whispered words (unless you’re with me at Starbucks… ask Eden Winters).

Of course, there are exceptions but society defaults to controlling and hiding sex/sexuality.

I say fuck that noise. (As long as it’s consensual)

Own your sexuality.

But how?

1^st Know Thy Self

You need to understand what interests you before you can share it with others. (This is not to say you can’t find your interests while exploring with others but sometimes it’s good to focus on yourself to know what you want without the influence of others.)

How to figure out what your needs/wants/desires?

Read (not just romance gasp! Did I say that?) Read BDSM How-To-Books

Watch videos (not just smexy videos but YouTube videos on the basics of what interests you)

Have conversations with others (ask questions & discuss topics)

Look at the BDSM checklist to find titillating activities. (And yes, some of the things you’ll have to google)

Play with the toy(s) that interest you.

And utilize any other way that lets you determine what tickles your fancy.

The Struggle of Sharing Your Ideas

Sometimes this includes no one but yourself… if so (& you’re willing) Enjoy.

Others might want to share their BDSM dreams with their partner(s).

Before you proceed: Keep in mind your partner(s) also have been fed the same line of shame and embarrassment society and family/friends have forced on you. The degree may vary but it’s probably still there embedded in their filter possibly coloring their reaction.

When broaching BDSM activities with your partner you might encounter resistance or a quick negative response > which can make you feel bad and wishing you had never brought up the subject. Though remember this might not be outright rejection but the learned response society force fed them.

How to start the conversation with your partner

1)    Feel them out > share a movie, book, post, or something you heard someone say…

2)    Ask them directly what they think & be ready for suggestions in terms of where you want to start…. Or decide together (best to start small with tiny wins than big with disasters)

3)    Put their hand on your ass and pull it back and smack it IF YOU LIKE IT: voice your appreciation with words or moans.

4)    Play with Toys: a paddle, a feather (Again start small) be ready for a negative reaction or denial of interest (again society force feeds us this negative stuff… try not to take it personally)

5)    Gentle role play: with a bit of a BDSM bent to it > school teacher naughty student

Getting Around the Negative

Ask open ended questions of your partner:

Why do you say that?

What do you think would happen if we did X?

How would X activity make you feel?

Allow your partner(s) to tell you how they feel.

Share how you feel:

Why are you interested in BDSM or name a specific activity?

How do you think X activity will make you feel?

Why are you seeking to feel that way?

See if a compromise can be reached:

Can you try it once and see how they feel? We can stop (aka Safeword) if you don’t like/want the activity to continue.

Is there a different activity that satisfies the same need? (IE: Need to serve doesn’t have to be met sexually a massage, doing your partner’s chores, etc.)

Can you get the same result without the equipment? (Just holding the bedposts as opposed to be tied to it?)

If there seems to be no compromise you might ask yourself harder questions:

Will time change your partner’s feelings?

What can you do to help support a change in your partners feelings?

If your partner never changes is this a deal breaker?

What are other ways you can get your needs met?

There are no easy answers but you’re worth working to find satisfaction. We are each responsible for our own happiness.

Always seek your own truth.