Thursday, December 16, 2021

Living With Anxiety

 

I’ve struggled with anxiety for years. At times it’s been so horrible and all-encompassing I no longer wanted to exist. Suicidal ideations are terrifying which guess what? Increases your anxiety. Unfortunately, I’ve got the receipts one gets when being caught in these endless loop of pain.

 

You are not alone. Anxiety doesn’t mean you’re broken. Through therapy and trial and error I’ve come up with a list of things I do to combat and live with anxiety, and maybe they can help you too.

 

1)    Make peace with your anxiety. Try imagining anxiety as a child, if you try to ignore it anxiety just gets louder and more insistent. Acknowledge your feelings as valid. Accept you feel this way, and if you’re able to function do so. When I feel anxious I catalogue how I feel (physical and mentally): trembling hands, horrible thoughts, racing heart, etc. Then I acknowledge I’m anxious and it sucks. It feels terrible but while I feel yucky I can still do X. Sometimes X is writing other times X is mindless cleaning or organizing. Yup, I feel terrible but at least X is done. For me, many times simply forcing myself out of my head goes a long way in relieving the symptoms.

2)    Tapping or going for a walk can make a world of difference. The rhythm of left, right, left of your hands tapping or your feet walking puts you in the other side of your brain. This pattern can calm you and changing your environment can allow your brain to find something else to focus on.

3)    I practice grounding techniques which basically asks questions that focuses on things outside your body. Name four yellow things that you can see, three red, and one blue. What is the day, month, and year?

4)    Focused breathing can help. There are many different patterns. An easy one I use is the four count method: Inhale for a count of four, hold for a count of four, exhale for a count of four and again. Add lavender or another calming scent to relax you further.

5)    Anxiety takes creativity so I try channel that into drawing, coloring, writing, crafting, knitting, organizing, etc. You want something to worry about… think of your sock drawer. Would the YouTube organizers think?

6)    Reading can transport you into another place and into another person’s world. The break from our whole can be invaluable. Sometimes I read pure fluff other times I want to read something about someone who has struggled as I have and has overcome it. Luckily for you there’s a bunch of books right here.

7)    Therapy can be invaluable at teaching you the tools you need to thrive. A therapist can help you determine if medication could help.

8)    Dump listing can relieve your mind. Sometimes holding all our worries and to do’s gives us anxiety. Listing all the things that are troubling us and/or all the things we need to do can seem overwhelming but usually looking at it on paper/computer allows for some distance. You are no longer fearing you’ll forget you need to do something and you might even be able to prioritize the things you are in control of. Sometimes being in charge can make us feel empowered and less helpless which can translate into less anxiety.

9)    Dance therapy isn’t just a fab. Movement forces your brain to do something other than loop in a circle. Even the most listless among us can find some energy in dance.

10) Find a positive obsession. During the pandemic, I found Asian dramas and the musical group BTS. Both of these draw me into another world and allow my brain to ask questions about nonanxiety producing things.

 

I truly know how overwhelming everything can seem. Give yourself permission to be out of sorts. Reach out for help when you’re able.

 

Wishing you all the best. Take care of yourself.

 

Many hugs,

Z. Allora

Thursday, November 18, 2021

Publishing Takes Courage

Writing is easy. You sit, open a vein, and bleed your story onto the page. Publishing that takes courage.

I was speaking to a friend the other day about how I had to make peace with the fact that my words have the potential to hurt someone. However, careful or unintentional the injury is > it has happened and will happen again. 

I try to be clear on what to expect with my books: the character's internal struggle(s) are usually more than external struggle (blame my psych background & years of therapy), happy/dysfunctional/kissed by BDSM sex (usually some act out of the ordinary cause you know it's my brand.), and a happily ever after. If there's abuse, rape, major struggles I ensure that's in the blurb so a reader isn't side swiped.

However something that isn't triggering to me, the variety of editors, and people who read my work before it is on the world's bookshelf could set someone else off.

You might be sharing details about faucets of yourself or your own experiences so you can feel exposed and criticism hurts different if you share something that a reviewer hated.

I tend to write from my own experiences. I base my books in places I've lived or traveled to and have absorbed the environment and the details about a place. Many of my characters will have anxiety and when they love they love hard. There might be insta-romance > I knew within 20 minutes of meeting my love that he was my happily ever after. I've got a bit of a submissive bent so much of my work is licked with BDSM whether it's in that subgenre or not... It's the way I was written.

All I can say is I respect the authors who time and time again pour their soul on the page. Thank you for solidering forth bravely. Go big!

Many hugs, Z. Allora


Thursday, October 14, 2021

Panic Attacks Suck > Here's some suggestions

 

Panic SUCKS

 

1)    Acknowledge how you feel: Is your heart racing? Are you having terrible thoughts? Are your palms sweaty? Do you feel like you could jump out of your skin?

2)    Acknowledge that even though you feel all those things you can do some things.

3)    Ground yourself: Name 5 things RED, 4 things ORANGE, 3 things YELLOW, 2 things GREEN, 1 thing BLUE and cause I’m extra & it’s the rainbow order 1 thing PURPLE.

4)    What is the day of week? What is the date? Who is your BTS bias? Who is the best K-pop band & why?

5)    Do a guided relaxation of relaxing each body part? (Yes, it’s difficult but we’ve gotten through much more.) Use YouTube/someone else’s video if you can’t mentally do it on your own. (If I can I start with my toes and imagine feeling someone stroke down the top/bottom and sides of each toe in order, then all toes then foot, then ankles, then calves > each time this magical strokes are pulling the anxiety out of me, knees, thighs (the stroking once the part is done you go through the entire section ex: thighs done then third stroke for the entire leg). Proceed to do your entire body.

 

 

Other Techniques:


Tapping: hands tapping right left on your knees/table/whatever

Walking: (similar to tapping) the right left moves your brain in a different pattern

Breathing Exercises: (there’s a ton)

1)    In for 4 > Hold for 4 > Release for 4

2)    Big breath in once you’re at capacity sip a tiny bit more > Hold for 4 and release

3)    In for 4 > Hold for 4 > Release for longer 6

4)    Counting as you In & Releasing your breathes for as long as you want

Exercise: walking, lift weights, class (on YouTube)

Do something: Acknowledge you’re having a panic attack, categorize your feelings, know it sucks but while it sucks you can do something else.

Organize/Clean something

Plan a trip for the future

Make a dump list > everything that is troubling you in one long horrible list. Then pretend someone else wrote it > use your vast skills to organize (for what’s in your control make a to do list addressing what you can & to the others add reality in terms of how likely is the trouble going to come to pass > then realize while you ROCK you can’t tell the future… over time try internalizing you can’t control everything you can’t avoid pain)

Self-Care: Do something nice for yourself & do it regularly. This could be beauty or binge watching something pleasurable. Accepting it is okay to take care of yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Daily Keeping the Evil Away:

1)    Exercise

2)    Self-care: Taking medication/showering/basics to pampering

3)    Find a routine > a flow to your days & weeks

4)    Make a schedule > and be okay adjusting it & schedule fun & things to look forward to

5)    Write things down > Sometimes once it’s on paper/cyber list we know we aren’t ignoring it but addressing it at this time. Have several to do lists. (1 with everything/1 things you’d like to accomplish this week/ 1 of the top three things you need to do for school/work/home/self)

6)    Therapy > formal or informal

7)    Helping others > share your mad skills. Anxiety is a curse but it can also be a blessing. We are prepped and ready for most things.

8)    Find what works for you > that will change and evolve.

 

 

Acknowledge when your rainbow barrels are filled and take time for yourself.

 

Thursday, October 7, 2021

Toxic BL Relationships

 

I've seen several posts/videos about the toxic nature of BL relationships. And I've got to say I wonder if these folks have watched any M/F dramas. 
 
Here's some things usually highlighted as problematic:
 
Jealousy is seen as shorthand for love. The West is on a different page than some parts of Asia. But it's not just in BL it's in M/F dramas as well. The possessiveness recently (some of 2021 dramas) are beginning to acknowledge that it might not be right > but it's still there.
 
Sexual lust not being able to be controlled "I can't hold back." 
 > Um, yeah you can... and if you can't I hope you're kneed in the balls< 
This concept of being so wild with passion you're unable to not jump the person is not only in BL but in other dramas I've seen. (Yesterday, I saw it in My Roommate is a Gumiho).
 
Taking Advantage of Drunk Individual
Not getting proper consent > is rife not just in BLs. And the other characters encourage it  because they are embarrassed to say they want whatever is on offer.
 
Gaslighting  
People allowing someone to think something that's not true to get what they want.


So before you accept someone's critic of BL's as being toxic help them see the bigger picture of it's not just BLs it's where society happens to be. 
 
((Of course some things are terrible in any language sooooo don't make wild assumptions based on this post... not that you would cause you know me... but I need to put in that disclaimer.))
 
Many hugs, Z.

Thursday, September 30, 2021

Excerpt from Not Another Boy Band: Holding a Tray While Being Worshiped NOT WORK SAFE

Sometimes a scene grabs sometimes it's a picture that I can't get out of my head.

This next scene was inspired by a sweet scene that didn't evolved into oral sex. Max/Tul of Together with Me, a Thai BL. In one of the spin off series Tul makes Max breakfast in bed... 

Mind you Sage doesn't look anything like Tul... but the idea of the tray wedged into my smexy brain and I thought that would be quite a predicament... holding a tray while someone worshiped you. Daiki and Sage do enjoy of kinkiness so the idea of the band being nearby while Daiki gained some experience on his knees... well, can you blame me?


Here's the excerpt From Not Another Boy Band

“Can I take a picture of you?” Daiki pleaded, as if snapping a photo of him was of dire importance.

“What? Why?” That knocked him sideways. He needed some new questions.

Daiki grabbed his phone and took some shots. “You, shirtless in the apron, carrying a tray... I can’t draw you fast enough because I want to enjoy you immediately.”

“Are you okay?” Sage had never made anyone breakfast before, especially not in bed. But if a breathy artist totally hot for him was the usual reception, he’d have to make Daiki every meal.

Shrugging, Daiki nodded. “Yeah, I’m not used to being in a manga that I’m drawing.”

“What?”

Daiki groaned and touched his face. “I’m going to have to tint my cheeks with embarrassment lines.”

Ah, got it. Sage played along. He made a show of looking where the blanket failed to hide Daiki’s arousal. “Oh, by the way, you’re drawing not only yourself but me very aroused.”

Daiki put down his phone and pushed off the comforter. He didn’t meet Sage’s gaze, but the shifting of his body highlighted his jutting erection, not disguised at all by the shorts he wore.

“A gorgeous man bringing me breakfast in bed....” Daiki frowned and shrugged it off, then pasted on a teasing smile. “You probably make breakfast in bed for your lovers all the time.”

Sage’s desire to actually get someone who wanted him for him seemed to pull out the truth. He should stop himself from the long stare, but couldn’t. Instead he confessed, “No. I’ve only done this for you.”

A million expressions crossed Daiki’s face, but a predatory one stayed. “This is a first... for you too?”

Swallowing, Sage clutched the tray tighter. “Yeah.”

Daiki slipped out of bed and onto his knees in front of Sage. “May I?” What was he—
Daiki ducked under the tray, pushed the apron out of the way, and

grabbed on to the waistband of Sage’s lounge pants. He peeked out and tilted his head, making hair fall into his eyes. “Sage?”

His name never held so many questions, but there was only one answer. “Yes.”

Smiling a real smile, Daiki shifted forward and disappeared, hidden by the tray Sage held.

A hot, wet mouth wrapped around him and sucked him halfway in.

Sage hardened fully and gripped the tray tighter. “I should set this down.”

Daiki appeared not to have heard him, because he continued sucking him. Adding his hand, Daiki started stroking Sage in an enticing rhythm.

Something out of the corner of his eye made Sage turn his head. There was a full-length mirror behind the door, giving him a view he’d never had. How had he become the star of a filthy manga? But Daiki looked too beautiful to be associated with anything dirty. Sexy, yes.

The reflected image seared into Sage’s brain. Him getting a blowjob while clutching a tray, and Daiki sucking him, with a hand busy down the front of his pants, while he stared at Sage.

Their gazes caught in the mirror, the uncertainty in Daiki’s eyes dragging Sage deeper into his thrall. Daiki wasn’t conducting some elaborate game of seduction; it was clear he simply wanted to suck Sage and get off.

No question Daiki had stepped way out of his comfort zone and was exploring what he wanted... and right now that was Sage. That might have knocked him sideways, but it was what Sage wanted too.

Sage’s affection for Daiki was a nonstop fast beat. His feelings hadn’t evolved slowly over time in a measured fashion but had appeared in a moment. Had he been waiting all of his life for someone to open his heart? Maybe he’d get burned, but he couldn’t stop being consumed by the driving rhythm because surrender felt too good.

He gripped the tray tighter. The predicament of having to hold the tray while getting sucked off increased his arousal. So far, only a little bit of the tea had spilled on the napkins. Could he come without dropping the tray?

Turning back to the mirror, he stared as Daiki bobbed his head, bringing the wet heat of his mouth up and down with ever-increasing suction. Sage had never watched himself getting sucked off. The act felt new and forbidden; not being able to see Daiki except in the mirror added to the uniqueness.

He hadn’t locked the door, and three other guys were a room away. The worry of being caught in the act intensified everything.

Sage wasn’t going to last long, so he warned, “Close.” 


Amazon

Buy Link

Session drummer Sage Nakamura puts his trust fund where his heart is and starts his own band in Japan—Kashi-sei, Japanese for “visibility.” Tired of his favorite J-pop bands imploding over even a hint of same-sex attraction, Sage decides to take sponsorship out of the equation. He hopes his band will become a safe haven that validates diversity in gender identity and orientation. But he’ll need some help to make his endeavor successful.

Mangaka Ikeda Daiki lives a comfortable, if lonely, life in Tokyo. When he gets the opportunity to work with a band as it is forming, developing the products from the beginning—starting with a manga—he leverages his platform for more creative freedom.

At Sage’s insistence, Daiki helps him choose band members and navigate the finer points of Japanese culture. But the two have more than business goals in common. Mutual admiration develops into friendship, attraction, and a relationship full of firsts for both of them.

But as the band prepares for their debut, Sage, who has never played before a live audience, gets debilitating stage fright. How can Daiki and the band help him through it and keep his dream alive?


 

 

Thursday, September 23, 2021

China's New Law Ban's All BLs

It's heartbreaking but these new laws are being translated as BLs are now banned. All current BLs in production (Immortality & Heaven's Official Blessing) will be watered down into bromances or friends. 

My heart hurts for the LGBTQIA+ people in China. BLs were a place they could get a tiny bit of visibility and acceptance (Yes yes I know they weren't "perfect" but they were something that helped normalize the rainbow & helped people know they weren't alone.) 
 
I'm just brokenhearted.


Thursday, September 16, 2021

Effeminate Men Being Banned from Chinese TV

 

Currently the stars of both wildly successful BL novel adaptations (The Untamed & Word of Honor) have been or are under attack. Xiao Zhan almost lost his career, and they are still not releasing some of his work even after an apology tour. His costar Wang Yibo was just taken out of a cultural program on CCTV after the dress rehearsal for no reason (though he is a spokesperson of Channel and wore one of their pink woman's jacket on his street dance show). 

 

          The Untamed

 

 

Zhe Zhang from Word of Honor had pictures for four years ago surface of him being at a controversial temple in Japan (for a friend's wedding). And his costar Simon Gong just had pictures come out of him eating ice cream NEAR a stone directional marker for the same temple (he was kilometers away though that didn't seem to matter.)


Word of Honor


 

Why am I beside myself by a law that bans effeminate men from Chinese TV?

 

1)    It’s simply wrong and scary.

2)    The law is vague and can be applied in subjective ways that allows for targeted attacks on LGBTQIA+ people.

3)    People are being told to get into the constructed boxes society has prepared for gender > if you get out or don't fit you’re wrong. Since I’ve been out of them since I was three years old how incompatible am I?

4)    Brings me back to all the debates of how “straight cisgendered women” shouldn’t write gay romance. Yeah, first fuck the jealousy and hate. Secondarily, I knew it eleven years ago but now there’s more visibility to show many of us weren’t cisgendered or straight so wrong on all accounts. Being told you’re something you are not is gaslighting and then to be chastised for it is enraging. 

(BTW you don’t have to be a serial killer to write about them & you don’t need to be on the rainbow to write the rainbow > it’s silly to hold that belief > and yes, I support and elevate #ownvoices > however this law silences voices.

5)    Silencing of people and not allowing them to be who they are is torturing them into a quiet hell.

6)    Denying visibility to a queer population that is dying for validation of their very existence in horrible.

 

 

 I fear this will get worst before it gets better and I don't know how many people will be harmed by this type of person censorship. All the International community can do is help elevate their voices (as best as we are able), hold up a mirror to reflect reality, and try to be visible when it is safe to do so.

 

Many Hugs, Z. Allora

Thursday, September 9, 2021

We NEED to Respect Differences in LGBTQIA+ Expression

 This is a bit of a brain dump. I hope most of you know & believe I try to validate everyone's way of being themselves. 

 The world is a HUGE place. There's 7.9 Billion people in the world.

Each country has it's own culture, foods, music, and issues. People in those countries also vary greatly, and we all have are own filters giving us a unique picture of the world & events.

((Okay why am I telling you what you already know?))

Too often folks from one place don't allow people in another place to evolve in the way that makes sense to them. Now of course there's basics that are wrong in any language and I'm not arrogant enough to believe I can make that list > but I think if you're reading this you would agree killing someone for being on the rainbow is simply wrong. There's nothing cultural that someone is going to point to make that okay for me > ever. 

LGBTQIA+ rights and acceptance vary from place to place. This will impact how a person is able to express who they are and who they love. That will affect how much visibility can safely displayed. 

Just because where you live is more accepting and open don't judge those from other places who aren't in the same situation.

LGBTQIA+ expression varies in orientation and gender country to country. 

Both of these will affect the movies/TV/books/web series that come out of the country.

And please be careful assuming it's only in the BL/MM romance genre. I encourage you to watch/read some M/F as well so you'll able to see which issues are linked only to BL/MM romance and which are where the mainstream population is.

I'm struggling currently to write a manuscript set in Thailand. Thailand's view of the rainbow is different than in the West. There are even different orientations (such as Adams > cisgender men who are attracted to people assigned female at birth but are more masculine). In some cases they've jumped the bisexual orientation and landed right into the pansexual realms where it's not the gender but the person. (I've talked people who used a Western filter and say it as bierasural, but that's was not what was happening. They simply see the possibility of being attracted to anyone.) 

This is true for everyone but since I'm writing another book based in Thailand I wanted to point out how transgender people see themselves is different and how society sees them also varies. By only using Western standards and ideas you don't see the true picture. 

In Thailand some transgender women and some effeminate gay men identify as kathoey (or ladyboy which isn't a slur there but a title some aspire to) and some see it as an orientation. Some people use the term "second kind of lady." 

Just like in the USA some transgender people don't want to fully vanish into the binary of male or female. Some want to honor their journey from being assigned one sex at birth to identity as another. It depends.

I'd ask that folks accept that there are differences and because I'm trying to honor the people of Thailand I will be donning their filter in which I'm developing these stories.

Allow for variations in the orientation and gender spectrum.

Big hugs, Z. 

(BTW: Nonbinary is only beginning to see the light of day in Thailand before recently I didn't exist.)



Thursday, August 26, 2021

A New BL Has Broken Into My Top Ten

 Light on Me

My Dramalist sums up the story as: "Tae Kyung is a 18-year-old high school student. He is also a lifelong loner. But one day, he starts questioning his own judgment and tells a teacher that he no longer wishes to be alone. The problem is, he has no idea how to start going about making new friends. The teacher advises him to join the school’s student council. He agrees, but discovers that making friends may be harder than it seems. 

He meets the Vice President of the council, Shin Woo, who is cool and level-headed, but also somewhat cold toward him and reluctant to accept Tae Kyung. However, he also meets the super-attractive President of the council: Da On, who appears to take an instant shine to him. The beginnings of a romance appear to be in the cards for Da On and Tae Kyung, but Shin Woo does not seem to approve. Matters are further complicated by the fact that Da On’s close female friend – who secretly loves Da On – is jealous of their closeness, and attempts to drive a wedge between them!" My Dramalist


What I adored about this BL out of South Korea is how it didn't follow the troupes even though it was seeped in troupe land! There was they were honest and were straightforward. Being in the closet was respected but the consequences weren't subverted.... 

The chemistry between the leads were excellent. We're all hoping for a second season!

Many hugs, Z.

Thursday, August 19, 2021

Not Another Boy Band Chapter 1 & 2 excerpts

 Not Another Boy Band is finally out in the world! 

Session drummer Sage Nakamura puts his trust fund where his heart is and starts his own band in Japan—Kashi-sei, Japanese for “visibility.” Tired of his favorite J-pop bands imploding over even a hint of same-sex attraction, Sage decides to take sponsorship out of the equation. He hopes his band will become a safe haven that validates diversity in gender identity and orientation. But he’ll need some help to make his endeavor successful.

Mangaka Ikeda Daiki lives a comfortable, if lonely, life in Tokyo. When he gets the opportunity to work with a band as it is forming, developing the products from the beginning—starting with a manga—he leverages his platform for more creative freedom.

At Sage’s insistence, Daiki helps him choose band members and navigate the finer points of Japanese culture. But the two have more than business goals in common. Mutual admiration develops into friendship, attraction, and a relationship full of firsts for both of them.

But as the band prepares for their debut, Sage, who has never played before a live audience, gets debilitating stage fright. How can Daiki and the band help him through it and keep his dream alive?

 

Find out more


 Z. wearing Daiki's fox hat

Chapter 1

IKEDA DAIKI tugged his fox hat down on his head. Shutting the window, he hoped to block out the noise of Tokyo waking up.

He stared at the sketch pad. The first character he ever drew—his nameless love—smiled back at him in a way that still turned him inside out. Daiki had been drawing him since he was twelve years old.

No one else had ever laid eyes on him. He was Daiki’s precious secret. Daiki had a treasure trove of pages and pads filled with sketches, all for himself.

The bookcases that lined one wall of the main space of his apartment were filled with the creations he shared with the world—mangas, from his one-offs to his series to his weekly serials—all neat and tidy on the shelves.

He had turned his living room and dining room into a working manga studio that fit him and his four assistants. Daiki was living his artist fantasy. All the things he’d ever wanted had come to pass.

Gently, he traced his finger over the lines that depicted the character’s sexy half smile, the one that haunted his dreams… well, haunted almost everything.

If only he could chase away the loneliness with someone a little more three-dimensional, but deadlines gave him little time or opportunity to meet anyone.

His cell phone buzzed, reminding him his assistants would be here in another two hours.

Daiki needed to put away his special one, but doing so was always hard. Easing himself past the loss, he flipped through one of the sketchbooks. He hesitated on the picture of him holding his beloved tight.

The background of the sketch was a simple black sky with a huge moon. They hugged on the roof while looking at the stars. He caressed the dark hair made by his pencils as he imagined they were talking about the future and what plans they wanted to make. All the big things, like where they would live or what vacations they would take, and the small things too, like what to have for dinner.

To share his life with someone….

He flipped through the pages, drawing after drawing, and he needed to stop.

“I’m Pygmalion,” he mused, tracing a finger once more over the full lips he’d drawn. He must be crazy to have fallen in love with a picture based on someone who didn’t exist.

It probably wasn’t healthy, but like many twentysomethings, he hadn’t found his special someone… outside of two dimensions. To get to where he was in his career, he’d needed to stay laser-focused, so dating wasn’t drawn into his storyboard. Though even the people he did meet, no one could compare—maybe he didn’t want them to.

Letting his finger follow the gentle wave of the image’s hair, he imagined this man would be smart, kind, and eager to change the world. Help Daiki explore things he’d only drawn, things like—

Work!

He gathered his drawing supplies and put them all away, then slipped the sketch pad back into the locked fireproof drawer of his desk on top of over thirty would-be mangas.

Switching to digital mode, he turned on his computer and morphed from fantasy to real life—make that as real as a mangaka could get.

The first of his four assistants walked in. Kobayashi Hikari was always early. She bowed and greeted him, “Good morning, Sensei,” then disappeared into the second bedroom. He had designed the room for his assistants. There were bunk beds for napping or late nights, privacy to change clothing, and a closet to store their things.

She reappeared in a ninja costume.

“Morning.” Since Daiki wore his fox hat to work, he could hardly criticize anyone else’s method for sinking into their artistic zone.

“Who are you working on?” she asked.

“Hironori.”

“Oh, I love him. I’m partial to the enemies-to-lovers trope anyway. Tie that in with a big boss falling in love with the head of a rival company… I’m all in.” Her soft tone suggested she was smitten completely. His character certainly lived up to his name, which meant “benevolent ruler.” Daiki had leaned into that in last month’s manga.

Daiki chuckled. He couldn’t deny his wish to be more like this character. Taking what he wanted in business and having no problem demanding more in love.

Hikari sighed. “You’ve got to love Hironori’s bold ways and determination that always gets him what he wants. Though this month it looks like who he wants.”

Brave Hironori accepted who he was, took risks, and was never lonely. “He does. You want to—”

“Yes, please.” She jumped at any chance to work on this manga.

“It’s just the dialogue.” He needed to work on delegating, but it was hard for him not to do everything.

Hikari laughed and made grabby hands, so he sent her the files.

He scrolled through the storyboards on the screen and started to work on his edits.

His assistant Ito Rei, who seemed to have no interest in anything other than drawing, strolled in with Takahashi Ichiro, a new graduate who wanted to burn down the manga world one storyboard at a time. Sounded like they were still debating sekkusu-banare.

“But sekkusu-banare literally means drifting away from sex, so if that happens—” Rei interrupted herself to greet them. “Morning, Sensei. Hikari.”

Ichiro followed suit and then trailed after Rei. “But how can the impact be negative on manga?”

“Later.” Rei rushed to her seat and started to work.

Sighing, Ichiro gave Rei a pointed stare, but she ignored him, so he sat down.

“Greetings, Sensei. I picked up tea and soda.” Last to arrive was Sato Akihiro, Daiki’s high school pal, who usually worked far into the night. He should have his own studio, but their friendship caused neither to discuss it.

“Morning, Akihiro. Thank you. I forgot.” Thankfully, one of Daiki’s assistants always remembered.

“No problem, Sensei.” Akihiro gave him a nod before ducking into the assistants’ room.

Hikari popped up from behind her monitor. “I’ll set up a delivery with the market down the street so the staples Sensei generously keeps on hand for us will arrive on Wednesday afternoons. Everyone get your lists to me after lunch.”

“Sounds great.” Less time on the day-to-day and more time to focus on drawing. His assistants really were outstanding.

Wearing his favorite maid’s costume from Daiki’s first spy manga series, Akihiro took his seat. He said her character was powerful and understated, exactly the way he wanted to draw, conveying much with little.

Glancing at the schedule, Daiki reminded the group, “We still have twelve days before the ne-mu is due on the monthly series, but it’s Tuesday, so the final sketches are due on the weekly serials.”

“Yes, Sensei,” they each muttered.

Luckily, he didn’t cut things close. He had storylines and rough sketches months in advance, and in some cases years. Whole series were just waiting for an editor’s markups and a publisher’s go-ahead.

He had two editors with different publishers catering to his distinctive brands and vastly unique audiences. The editors knew of each other and of his immense catalogue of unseen work that, unless he died an untimely death, he would bring forward at a slow but consistent pace. To flood the readership would overfeed them and then leave them wanting. Plus Daiki liked to imagine having time off. If he had something to do with free time, he might actually take it.

Drawing had always been his go-to. Even back when he was living with his grandfather in Inari. His grandfather ran one of the souvenir tea shops, so growing up meant every Monday began before dawn. He helped haul the supplies up the mountain, and then he’d run down the steps to get to school on time. When Daiki was old enough, his grandfather would usually stay the week. Daiki had been lonely until he found drawing and an entire world opened to him.

He adjusted his fox hat to cover his ears and allowed himself to sink deeper into the storyboards.

 

 

BEEP! BEEP! Beep!

It couldn’t be time already. How was that possible? The day had flown by.

Daiki stopped the alarm and gathered his things. “I’m off to meet with the editor. Tonight at dinner, please order without me.”

“Don’t forget this.” Akihiro rushed to the door, and handed Daiki his brand-new electronic drawing pad.

Daiki slipped the device into his messenger bag, next to other drawing supplies. “The train ride would have been long without a drawing app on a screen larger than my phone. Thank you.”

When Daiki caught the train, the car wasn’t crowded, so he sat down. He had made this trip many times over the last decade, but what if the publisher was meeting to tell him they were cancelling his series? Storyboards of how the event would play out flashed before him. The end scene was him leaving the meeting and walking home in the rain.

Then before he wrote The End, an imaginary Hironori leaned against the wall of his mental storyboard. His dialogue bubble said, “Let them. There’s a ton of other publishers and editors who want you.”

In the next story window, Hironori took a long drag on a cigarette. The cut of his chin was a bit too sharp, but the cigarette dangling from his lips gave the image a hazy sexual look. Lower on the page, Daiki envisioned Hironori staring at him. The dialogue bubble said, “Business is business. Your mangas sell.” The final picture read, “But check your investment and savings accounts.”

He shook himself. His life was not a manga, but somehow that’s how he saw it… and someone else was drawing his story.

The train arrived at the station. As he passed the station restaurants and food shops, his stomach growled. Did he forget to have lunch? He turned at the newspaper stand and zigzagged up the steps to the street level, avoiding people.

The bustling road was filled with people hurrying home from their long day.

Daiki made the quick trip down the street, past the shopping center and an office building. He ducked his head as he entered a restaurant, then headed straight to the back room where the editor held her meetings. The only thing that changed was the prices on the menu. Now that he was a brand, each of his publishers treated him to nicer meals when they met.

“Nice to see you,” he greeted her.

Saito Azami, who liked cats more than people, welcomed him with her attempt at a friendly smile. “And you.”

He acknowledged her assistant, who gestured to the far chair. “Please.”

After sliding past both of them to get around the table, he sat down. He’d had hundreds of these meetings over the last decade, but each time worry skittered through him.

After they ate, Azami-san held out her hand. “Let’s see this week’s work.”

He pulled out his final sketches.

She skimmed through the pages with her red pen and gave him a few comments. Her assistant took a pass and asked a question or two. The editing ended with him having about an hour of additional work to do.

When he didn’t move to leave, she asked, “Is there something else?”

“Yes. We’ve talked before about the direction I want to take.”

Her quiet sigh indicated her frustration at his insistence. “It’s almost the start of the new year.”

Not for weeks, but he couldn’t give up on this. “All the more reason to clear the slate. I want to move away from outdated tropes. Drawing past the titillation of a gay romance to what it means to be gay in Japan. I want to use my stories to give validation and visibility to those who need it.”

She stood. “Give me some time. Let me see what’s out there.”

Standing, he gave her a more formal goodbye than usual or necessary.

It had started to drizzle, but at least the air wasn’t cold enough to turn the sidewalks into ice. He tightened his scarf and meandered back through the crowds and neon.

Should he have been firmer? No, he’d been clear, and she did say she’d look for something. That wasn’t a guarantee, but this exchange was the furthest he’d gone.

On the way to the train, he passed a semicrowded bar. People were smiling and laughing; he was tempted to stop in. Maybe he could…. But his assistants were waiting for him.

He hurried to enter the station and jogged down the stairs to the underground.

 

 

Chapter 2

 

WANT VISITORS? Sage got a text from the twins.

After editing his video, he was ready for a break, so he typed, Yeah.

Buzz us up.

Ryley Griffin—or Lee as they liked to be called—and Ryder Cage, aka the twins, were already outside. The twins, so nicknamed in high school because they were always together, had decided Sage was their best friend back in ninth grade, and he didn’t disagree.

Sage opened the door. With Lee in his leather skirt and band shirt and Ryder in their layers of black lace, they were polar opposites today, but they always fit together. “Lee, he/him pronouns today?”

“Well done, buddy. How did you know my pronouns are maleish today? My skirt or my lack of shaving?” Lee was gender fluid, and their pronouns changed with their presentation.

Sage rolled his eyes. “Combination.”

Ryder glided across Sage’s living room—slash bedroom slash dining room slash anything else he needed to live—and eased onto the sofa like the model they were and with far too much grace for the tiny apartment. Ryder was nonbinary and used them/they, though he/him pronouns didn’t bother them. “As much love as I have for you, Lee, your adherence to the binary to counter the binary doesn’t earn you points.”

Elbowing Lee, Sage added, “Or blowjobs.”

Lee simply shrugged and sighed.

“When are you going to move out of this place?” Ryder folded the sheets Sage had left rumpled under the cushions.

“What? I love my place.” He’d moved in right after high school. The microapartment wasn’t fancy, but the place was clean and safe.

“You sleep on the sofa,” Ryder pointed out the obvious.

“Because I turned the bedroom into my work studio.” Sage often repeated himself on this topic.

“It’s not like you couldn’t afford something with a second bedroom.” Ryder grimaced and scratched at a stain on the sofa’s armrest.

“You sound like my mother. I have what I need. I’m comfortable.” Sage didn’t want uber luxe to be comfortable. His apartment was what he as a studio drummer could afford, and he was good with that. It wasn’t that Sage had been untouched by the wealth and privilege he’d grown up with; he acknowledged his head start in life. But he wanted to make it on his own.

Lee shrugged and plopped down next to Ryder, who fussed with Lee’s leather skirt until it lay properly. “Are you done with your latest video?”

Frowning, Sage admitted, “Yeah. Still have to edit it, though.”

Ryder grinned. “What’s the topic?”

“Visibility or lack thereof.”

“Again…? Seems like you have a theme going. What is this, the third in as many weeks?” Lee pointed out the obvious.

Sage paced from the galley kitchen to his favorite chair and crashed into the softness. “Fourth, but who is counting?”

“Look, had you not raised the issue, we wouldn’t have known how tenuous the situation can be for gay/queer idols in Asia, or anywhere for that matter.” Ryder gave Sage’s knee a squeeze.

Sage sighed. “There’s still so much to say about how being queer shouldn’t limit what you’re able to accomplish in your career. Your band shouldn’t dissolve like sugar in water just because someone is brave enough to be themselves.”

“Amen,” Ryder said without irony.

Lee gave him a nod. “Preach.”

Sage couldn’t stop himself. “Something needs to be done about this. I don’t have all the answers, but wouldn’t it be exceptional to see some openly queer people in a band and not have the labels ditch them? Having their fans stand by them and support them? This isn’t an Asian issue, a music issue, a writing issue, or even a gay issue. It’s a human issue. We all deserve respect.”

“Yup, we do.” Ryder smiled at him.

“The first step is visibility. Seeing and understanding leads to acceptance. I want to see real musicians with more talent than looks giving me music and lyrics from their very soul. I want those people to be both on and off the rainbow. I believe the fans are ready to embrace people on various stripes of the rainbow… because they themselves might very well be on the yellow brick road.”

Lee crossed his arms and turned to Sage. “So I guess you’ll be putting your trust fund where your mouth is.”

“Oh yes, of course he will. What should he wear?” Ryder waved the finger of judgment at him. “Certainly something better than this if you plan on being seen.”

“What’s wrong with jeans and a T-shirt? You told me they are fashion staples.” Not that he gave a shit, but Sage was all about taking less flak from the fashionista turned model. “And wait. Why am I putting my trust fund in my mouth?”

Grinning, Lee pointed at him. “You threw down a challenge with these vlogs. Are you telling me you will not pick it up?”

“Forming a band isn’t on my agenda. I live a comfortable life as a studio drummer.” Sage’s rock-and-roll dreams were a mere buzz in the back of his mind, one he’d shelved a long time ago.

Lee gathered up one of the stacks of books he’d piled on the coffee table. “These are new. Music Business for Dummies, Music Business 101, and why, look, all of these books appear to be about how to start a band. Imagine that.”

All Sage was doing was imagining, strolling down the “would never happen but if it did” path.

Ryder reached over and felt Sage’s forehead. “Are you sick? Didn’t you say on your vlog there should be more bands who were open and accepting?”

“How would I—what? You two think I could start a band?” That was ridiculous enough to make him chuckle, but the serious expressions on their faces stopped him.

“You are a drummer.” Ryder pointed to Sage’s hands, which were currently twirling drumsticks.

Excitement coursed through Sage, making the sticks spin faster. No, he couldn’t start a band. He tucked the drumsticks back under the cushion. “Studio drummer. Big difference from performer.”

Lee shrugged. “A drummer drums.”

Granted, he made a decent living off his studio gigs—and the bigger names were requesting him—but he’d never performed live.

“If you’re interested, we know someone who could help make this happen.” Lee was suggesting they could tap into their global network of friends.

Sage tamped down the excitement. It was a crazy risk. Besides, what did he know about starting a band—aside from a fuckton of research?

Caressing a hand down Lee’s arm, Ryder asked, “Are you thinking of—”

“Who else?” Lee smirked.

Ryder strutted to the fridge and grabbed a water, showing why every designer clambered for them to be on their runway. Freezing as if a photographer had given the order, Ryder tilted their head, making their long hair slip over their shoulder, and then asked, “Would he help? We didn’t exit on the best of terms.”

Patting the space next to him, Lee said, “It wasn’t the worst either.”

Ryder rejoined Lee on the sofa.

“Who are you two talking about?” Sage needed to take back the reins of this runaway conversation.

“We know someone who could help you launch your band.” They spoke in unison. It used to spook Sage when they did that, but he’d gotten used to it.

“Um, there is no band.” And why did stating that fact feel wrong?

Ryder laughed. “You keep saying that, but there is. There has to be. Otherwise how do you get visibility?”

Knotting his hair on top of his head, Lee said, “Sato, from the Miszuka photoshoot I did last year, can help set you on the right path.”

“Wait, didn’t you two date him?” His friends had an interesting dating philosophy, and as for sex, well, no need to go into their business.

“No, his brother. Let me text him.” Ryder’s thumbs were flying across his phone.

Lee nodded. “It’s all about creating a total platform so there’s a built-in fan base to follow.”

“I’m aware of how a platform works.” Sage rolled his eyes. He’d had to—wait, was he really doing this?

Ryder added, “You’re talking manga, anime, recording, then live shows?”

Chuckling, Sage tapped out a beat on his leg. He allowed himself to imagine his band giving validation for those who needed it. Nah. “You two are insane.”

Ignoring him, Ryder continued, “Also a social media presence, commercial spots, perhaps a game show or six. Japan loves game shows. A bit of light humiliation is always a turn-on.”

Lee arched an eyebrow. “Good to know.”

Wait, what? Dare he ask? “Japan?”

“Where else? Both your parents are from Japan. You know the language. Why would you start your band somewhere else?”

“I have no band.” How come the word “yet” was fighting to get out of his mouth?

“No, because first there should be a manga and maybe videos of the band forming.” Ryder giggled and waved Sage off with purple nails.

“I’ll shoot the videos, but which artist?” Lee asked as if clearing his intense photography schedule would be easy.

Sage argued, “You act like it’s that simple.”

Lee and Ryder studied him for a long moment. Then they shook him off like yesterday.

“Band name?” Ryder asked.

Snapping his fingers, Sage had that answer. “There’s only one name for my band.”

“And that is…?” Ryder asked.

“Kashi-sei. It means visibility in Japanese.”

“Perfect.” Giving him a kiss on either cheek, Ryder glided over to the door. “We’ll come up with some artists for you to consider in a few days and start the wheels turning on all the ins and outs of starting a successful band.”

Lee waved to him and followed Ryder.

How could he possibly start a band… and in Japan, no less?

Kashi-sei.


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Thursday, August 12, 2021

Wabi Sabi

Wabi Sabi is the beauty of things that are imperfect. 

Japanese artists will something purposefully make an imperfection to give their work a bit of individuality. The concept is to appreciate the flaws, making peace with things that are less than perfect in the world.

Sage Nakamura tries to do this when he puts his trust fund where his heart is. He starts his own band in Japan where his idea is to be visible whether that is his orientation or being honest about his own imperfections. He wants people to be okay with having imperfections or broken parts or just being unique. Sage names the band: Kashi-sei, which is Japanese for “visibility.” 



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