Safewords

1000 words can’t stop abuse but in BDSM a single word stops everything.

Most people in or out of the BDSM world know what a safeword is and basically how one uses it.

A safeword is a prearranged word/gesture/action that is used as shorthand between a sub and a Dominant to communicate when a limit has been reached and/or the activity needs to stop.

If this is the general definition why do some subs/loveslaves feel that NOT using a safeword is a badge of honor?

Somehow needing to stop or not being able to move beyond their limits can be distorted into some kind of epic fail on the sub’s part. (Psst, it’s not!)

I know from experience and a number of subs I’ve spoken with who hate using their safeword. Somehow, even if you believe in the above definition it still feels like a defeat, as if they weren’t good enough, didn’t trust enough, couldn’t suck it up and tolerate the activity… Basically you feel like you failed as a sub.

In both my BDSM stories: Lock and Key & Secured and Free one of the things I explore is a sub’s relationship with safewords. The stories highlight how a Dom(s) can utilize safewords to re-build trust and keep communication open so the participants can reach beyond current limitations.

Of course, I’ve also heard or seen Doms have a piss poor attitude toward safewords as well. For some Dom, a sub just having a safeword reflects negatively on them as if that safety precaution takes away some of their “power.” I’d question any Dom who wants less ways of hearing their sub’s feedback.

Not having a safeword?

Then there’s the sub or Dom who is proud to boast about not having a safeword during a scene. To me that’s like proudly proclaiming, “I ride a motorcycle without a helmet.” In most cases, it’s simply stupid. (Yes, I said it. Now of course, there might be a negotiated contract beyond the scene but in general not having a safeword is ill-advised.) I don’t care how good of a rider you are, things happen. Wear a damned helmet and have a safeword.

I’ve been with my love for 31 years and I have safeword. Sure, he can read every twitch and facial expression. He probably knows exactly what I’m thinking/feeling, and what I need better than I do just by observing me. But cutting the safety belts out of your car because it has airbags is dumb.

 

Not using your safeword is a disservice to the Dom

(Yeah, I’m totally playing the Dom card.)

Safewords give the Dom the ability to do a scene with confidence they aren’t going too far. Being a Dom or Top is a HUGE responsibility. (If you come across a Dominant that doesn’t understand the significance of what s/he/they are undertaking proceed with much caution or RUN!) Being in charge of a scene requires constant communication with the sub(s). Safewords allow that to happen even if a sub’s expression is difficult read.

This is especially true when you’re working with the higher risk activities: suspension, knife play, breath play. Though any activity of a BDSM even basic bondage, or impact play could go to places where sub/loveslave can be hurt mentally and physically in unexpected ways.

So be a good sub/loveslave have and use your safeword as needed.

To overcome reluctance to use a safeword some implement a stop light system. The Dom can use this to gauge where the activity is putting the sub. Green is fine to go, yellow is still okay but slow down because the sub might be heading for a red light or safeword.

The Dom and sub need to negotiate whether red is a full stop of all BDSM like the safeword or a stop of the specific activity but they want to stay with the scene.

By the Way: Safewords aren’t just for BDSM

When an argument goes south, you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings or have them hurt yours, right? Why not have a word that simply stops the conversation/postpones it for later. My love and I use Radio Silence. This means no more discussion or even words at that time, whoever says it needs a break from the discussion, debate or argument and it should be honored.

If a family member starts attacking you or yours, and your spouse may be unaware since their filters are different but you need a rescue: safeword. (Picture it: your nagging whoever is going at you and you turn to your spouse “Purple Bunny Slippers!” Instantly, s/he attends to the situation as only a blood relative can. BTW: safewords should be one simple word that isn’t normally said in relation to the scene so Purple Bunny Slippers was a joke not a suggestion.)

Again, please keep in mind: this blog is only one viewpoint, a small sampling of one love slave’s opinion.

Always seek your own truth.

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I’d love to hear from you so comment here or use the contact information to touch base with me privately.

To contact Z. Allora:

E-mail: Z.AlloraHappyEndings@gmail.com

FACEBOOK:   Z Allora Allora

Website: www.zallorabooks.com

Twitter: @ZAllora

Blog: http://zallora.blogspot.com

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BIO: Z. Allora believes in happily ever afters for everyone. She met her own true love through the personals and has traveled to over thirty countries with him. She’s lived in Singapore, Israel and China. Now back home to the USA she’s an active member of PFLAG and a strong supporter of those on the rainbow in her community. She wants to promote understanding and acceptance through her actions and words. Writing rainbow romance allows her the opportunity to open hearts and change minds.

What do Sugar Gliders & BDSM have in common?

Nothing! LOL

However, meet Xander's sugar glider in this tiny excerpt from Secured and Free.

Xander shook his head and pulled out his phone. He whispered into it, and Orion got a chirp on his cell. 

He glared but opened the message and played the video. A picture of Xander’s sugar glider, Nippet—named after a baby Ewok in Return of the Jedi—started talking to him in a morphed version of 
Xander’s voice. “Spill.Tell Xander what happened. I don't wanna go all sugar glider on you and eat your face off while you sleep... but the voices. Ah, the voices in my brain will force me to do it... unless you tell your bestest friend ever everything."

Orion chuckled. “I should have never showed you that app!” The application turned pet pictures into talking images. Xander utilized it way too often to threaten and cajole Orion.

Secured and Free is a BDSM menage... with a side of sugar glider sweetness.

Secured and Free Blurb:
An abusive Dom robbed Orion Gordon of his love of BDSM, destroying his confidence and leaving him unsure he’ll ever find peace through submission to another. Still, deep inside, his longing continues.

Marcus Sadir loves Hunter Dixon, yet he can’t be the one thing Hunter truly desires: a sub to control. And Hunter can’t find satisfaction in the sadistic aspects of the BDSM lifestyle, while Marcus thrives on inflicting and sharing pain. When Marcus convinces Hunter they should find a third on a permanent basis, they discover Orion might be the key to bridging their differences and joining them on a deeper level.

But they must help Orion move past his trauma enough for him to enjoy new facets of BDSM and kink again. Their journey toward becoming whole—together—won’t be without challenges. Can Orion trust enough to try again?

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Finding an Art Teacher

Most folks know I love art. When I lived in China I was lucky enough to take classes with art professor. She spoke as much English as I spoke Chinese meaning NOT MUCH.

My teacher and I met at an art auction.

I converted her work but the price quickly went well beyond my budget. I was horrified that the man who won didn’t seem to appreciate her or her incredible talent. He just wanted the status of donating that much to charity.

In my broken Chinese I told her how much I loved her work.

She gave me her number and address.

My friend called for me and scheduled a time for us to meet. I thought I was going to her gallery but she had invited me to her home.

I found out that she was a retired art professor at one of Suzhou’s colleges. I had nothing to lose so I asked if I could persuade her to take me on as a student.

My friend translated.

The artist ran out of the room.

Had I insulted her?

Within 30 seconds she returned with a chopstick in hand and held it out to me.

HOLY FUK! This was my karate kid moment. I could feel it deep in my bones. The pressure built. I didn’t want to screw this up.

I took a deep breath and grasped the chopstick between my fingers and thumb.

She snatched my hand and studied my finger placement.

I started to sweat. Did I do it right?

She looked me in the eye and said, “I teach you.”

I wanted to dance around the room but I settled for shaking her hand and calling her teacher… or mouse because the words sound almost the same.

Over the next six years while I lived in China, I created seven pieces. Chinese Brush Stroke (or water color) is time consuming… especially if you don’t know the language and have little talent for painting. She taught me through demonstration and at times with hand over hand.

I included a few of my pictures. 

Fun Facts:

*Many of the shades of green are made from Indigo Blue and no yellow needed to be added.

*Chinese Water color is done with mostly water.

*You’re supposed to hold your water and your ink brush in one hand (though if you’ve just had carpal tunnel surgery like me that’s not possible).

*Students are not allowed to create original pieces. You learn by reproducing what the Masters before you have made.

*My paintings were made by her tracing other artists designs and then I was to paint them after practicing exactly what to do off page.

*My chop (signature stamp) was too “mannish” for my teacher’s liking.

*After every class she made me eat watermelon > I don’t like fruit. I ate it weekly for six years.

In The Temple of Heaven, Jordon Davis takes art class from my teacher. While once I got past the idea of copying someone else’s work, he does not. We see him struggle with her demands that he adhere to the rules. In the end he negotiates and addresses his issues with drawing his own boundaries.

The Temple of Heaven’s Blurb

Music is Tian Di’s life and his love, and he’s made plenty of sacrifices. His career is finally taking off with his band, Made in China, and he’ll continue to put music first... until he meets Jordon. Then insta- lust becomes insta-love and a commitment to the future—no matter how difficult it might be.

Jordon lives in a bubble constructed by his overprotective older brothers, who are so controlling that they’ve kept him from dating. A talented artist, Jordon managed to keep his success with a Japanese manga publisher a secret from his family, but now he fears discovery. It’s easier to let his brothers handle everything, but Jordon has reached his limit. He’s ready to draw some boundaries so he can be his own man and face all the challenges that come with that.

Their families and careers aren’t the only obstacles. Jordon must accept his identity as a gay man who doesn’t top or bottom. Fortunately, Tian Di—and his special talents—help Jordon open up to his sexuality in an erotic adventure that spans Japan and China, and with love, luck, hard work, and open minds, will end in a happily ever after.

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Happy Hannukkah!

Happy Holidays Blurb:
What do erotic sex toys and Hanukkah have to do with each other?

Absolutely nothing unless you’re a member of the famous rock band The Dark Angels and the shy but kinky Robin gives gifts that guarantee to spice up the holidays!

Each couple makes the most of these unique gifts, blending love and orgasmic fun to REALLY celebrate the holidays.

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