The Bathroom Issue

.... Really I can't imagine there are people stupid enough to be believe society needs to police the bathrooms. Yet legislators continue to create bills to make it illegal for people to use the bathroom appropriate for them (be that based on gender identity or assigned sex at birth or there's no line and I've got to go NOW!). Allow people to go to the bathroom where they are most comfortable.

I lived in China for six years... Most public restrooms had no soap, no hot water, no western toilets, no toilet paper and sometimes no doors... I've squat over gullies in the floor operated by gravity... I've had my foot peed on by someone else... I've thrown up in my mouth over the smell and condition of some of the restrooms I've visited... but not once did it occur to me to give two shits about what the gender identity or assigned sex at birth of the people who were suffering with me.

For those who are confused... A bathroom is to void liquid and solid waste. To wash up and clean your lunch off your shirt... maybe run a brush through your hair. Your responsibilities in a shared bathroom are pass the toilet paper if a person is out, clean up after yourself and wash your hands. I really think most humans are capable of that...

The beautiful Zinnia Jones breaks it down for us. (And yeah she's a bit harsh on cis-people but I understand the anger... and I'm sure she knows all cis-gender people are not the enemy.)

This month South Dakota is the first to pass a bill outlawing transgender public school students from using restrooms and locker rooms consistent with their gender identities. Take a moment to imagine the pain this will cause...  However Charlotte North Carolina city counselor has passed an ordinance which allows transgender people to use the bathroom they would be most comfortable in... Though Gov. McCrory thinks he has nothing better to do than to try to stop this...

All I can ask my Pretties is if you're in a conversation with someone spurting nonsense help educate them. Understanding = acceptance = everyone being safer.

Hugs, Z.

BDSM Cures

Cue the eye roll...
Stay with me Pretty ones.

BDSM DOESN'T CURE EVERYTHING BUT IT DOES HAVE BENEFITS WHICH CAN PROMOTE HEALING.
(as always results will vary based on individual differences)

1) Some people use BDSM as a break. There's no thinking when you hit deep subspace. You're completely in the moment. At times it can be an almost meditative state (comparable to yoga). Top & subspace or the flow as some refer to it reduces stress hormones.

>>> In Zombies Suck Cutter needs this peace so his mind can find a different path for dealing with negative influences. Does it stop him from cutting? No but it gives him alternative stimulation which is big enough to drown out the desire to harm himself (& btw finding something to distract yourself from cutting is part of most treatment plans for someone who self abuses).
 
2) BDSM can release endorphins which are protein molecules. Endorphins regulate pain, stress, and cravings.

3) There was a study published a few years ago suggested BDSM couples "felt more secure in their relationships and had an increased sense of well-being. They were more conscientious toward others, more extraverted, more open to trying new experiences, had decreased anxiety, and were less sensitive to others perception. Interestingly, they were also more aware of their own sexual needs but less agreeable.((http://sexualhealth.about.com/od/sextherapy/ss/The-Health-Benefits-of-BDSM.htm))

4) The same study suggested couple felt closer after a successful scenes.

 I do believe the troupe of BDSM healing all is based in reality (at least in my experience and opinion).

This is a simple bracelet... but for someone with anxiety it can remind them of the calm they experience when secured with rope as well as give them some of the benefits BDSM has been shown to give.

And if the bracelet isn't enough of a reminder they open up into sturdy cuffs.
They come in various colors and designs.  I worked with a charming man who custom made these for me. His website is

Www.LeatherWoodStudios.com

On March 15 the book I referred to above Zombies Suck returns to the world's bookshelf all polished up and pretty.

Zombies Suck Blurb:

Forget undead corpses searching for brains. These zombies crave a different kind of head that keeps them young forever. Club Zombie offers safe haven, providing sexy ways to extract what they need from patrons, and the opportunity to find their destined mate.

Alex Waterman is ashamed of his “vile, unnatural desires” and lives a in a desolate world of loneliness and suffering until discovering… it’s not his life. Suddenly he’s swept away to a place where his desires aren't evil, they’re a mark of the dominant he’s born to be, and appreciative stares and aggressive flirting replace fear and self-loathing. But one night stands aren’t on the menu: Alex seeks “the one” to complete the missing piece of his soul.

Boy-next-door Ulrich calls to Alex, as does the gorgeous but self-destructive Cutter, and an element of irresistible danger clings to bad boy Storm. How can Alex decide between three tempting possibilities?

Maybe he should keep them all…

                                                          Pre-Order Link:          Zombies Suck


Hugs, Z.

No Longer Color Blind

I remember when I was 4 yrs old sitting with my mommy sorting M&Ms by color before eating them one at a time... saving the orange for last because those were the best. (Yes, even at 4 yrs old I was a tad on the obsessive compulsive side of the spectrum.) My mother (who was an amazingly sweet wonderful person) tipped my world when she showed me how much prettier my groupings would be if I mixed up the colors into an M&M rainbow. That was my first lesson in diversity.

I grew believing not seeing color was the best way to fight racism. So I didn't notice when as I going through school each year there were less and less diversity until only a handful of African American kids were in my graduating class.

This next piece is swiped directly from: http://www.naacp.org/pages/criminal-justice-fact-sheet

Incarceration Trends in America

• From 1980 to 2008, the number of people incarcerated in America quadrupled-from roughly 500,000 to 2.3 million people
• Today, the US is 5% of the World population and has 25% of world prisoners.
• Combining the number of people in prison and jail with those under parole or probation supervision, 1 in ever y 31 adults, or 3.2 percent of the population is under some form of correctional control

Racial Disparities in Incarceration

• African Americans now constitute nearly 1 million of the total 2.3 million incarcerated population
• African Americans are incarcerated at nearly six times the rate of whites
• Together, African American and Hispanics comprised 58% of all prisoners in 2008, even though African Americans and Hispanics make up approximately one quarter of the US population
• According to Unlocking America, if African American and Hispanics were incarcerated at the same rates of whites, today's prison and jail populations would decline by approximately 50%
• One in six black men had been incarcerated as of 2001. If current trends continue, one in three black males born today can expect to spend time in prison during his lifetime
• 1 in 100 African American women are in prison
• Nationwide, African-Americans represent 26% of juvenile arrests, 44% of youth who are detained, 46% of the youth who are judicially waived to criminal court, and 58% of the youth admitted to state prisons (Center on Juvenile and Criminal Justice).

Now I realize not all the kids I went to grade school and middle school with were in jail but it makes me understand that while I had the privilege of being color blind people of color do not. 

Another statistic: 35% of black children grades 7-12 have been suspended or expelled at some point in their school careers compared to 20% of Hispanics and 15% of whites (from same link as above).

John Oliver explored how mandatory minimums have affected people of color in a devastating way.

Over Thanksgiving I got a speed ticket. It was unfair but I paid the $288 ignoring the 8 lawyer's offices who magically knew I'd gotten a ticket and could help me fight it. I'm lucky enough to be in a position to pay the ticket... but what if I wasn't... I could easily see how someone without the funds could spiral downward... and since I live in the South (where yes racism is still very much a thing) what if my skin color wasn't pasty white?

I recently passed a sign in a work zone that threatened speeders with a $1000 fine and 30 days... 30 days!!!! How does one keep a job? What if one falls into the category that doesn't get a pass...

We can no longer afford to be color blind. Let's take off the glasses and see things as they are... Educate yourself. Vote to change things.

Hugs, Z. 

Orientation and Gender Identity is Personal

This seems basic but it isn't...
People feel compelled to weight in.
Look at the numerous bathroom laws against trans people not being able to legally use the bathroom of the gender they identify with (the gender they are). It boils down to someone else thinking they have the right to judge an individual's gender identity.
People are furious and angry at people who don't identify with the orientation consistent with their behavior. (>>>referring to a site to hook up "straight men" with gay man)

1) The individual knows best.

2) It doesn't matter if the orientation isn't correct by your definition or by the world's definition.

3) It's not fair... doesn't have to be. (S/he is acting X but doesn't identify as X so gets none of the negatives of being X... I might point out & none of the positives.)

4) We don't know who is questioning or seeking answers through testing label identity. (S/he might do X to prove to themselves or the world they are X and they might be X or they might prove to themselves they are Z.)

5) It doesn't make sense to us. (Doesn't have to)

I've made the mistake of trying to process a friend's orientation with them (because "it didn't make sense to me"). I wasn't doing it to be a terrible human being but I was struggling to make my version of a label fit.

Here's some advice: Just Listen. Process later when you're alone. Usually the person is sharing something very private and maybe very new to them... Just listen.

Person sharing the new information it's very brave of you to share something so personal... but some helpful hints:

1) Don't seek validation from the person you are telling. They might need to built a framework to insert the information you've given them.
2) You have nothing to prove and if you give examples of why you are X... and it doesn't fit their "definition or belief/myths" about the orientation/gender it creates confusion.

3) The reaction you get sometimes has more to do with the person reacting/processing then what you just told them. ((It's not all about you... other people have issues too.))

4) If the person is trying to be supportive cut them a bit of slack... This isn't a made for television movie so they may not have a script.

Orientation and Gender Identity is a personal matter... Just accept.

Hugs, Z.

BDSM as a Spectrum

By Spankart

Dominant/Master/Top: in control/gives

Submissive/Bottom/Love Slave: is controlled/receives

Switch/Versatile: can play either role

The concepts seem straightforward… until you start to experience/experiment/listen to others/practice/participate...  with people who are outside your particular bubble then you realize BDSM is more of a spectrum.

On one end of the spectrum: there are individuals who think if you walk out of a scene with all your parts attached you weren’t playing hard enough. On the other side there are people whose safe word is “OUCH”.  People who want to live 24/7 and people who don’t.

That’s okay!!! There’s room for all types of BDSM expression.

However, sometimes there are judgments and expectations heaped onto the roles and rules on how they should be executed. Any deviation from the expectations equates to censure (& I’m not talking about the “you’ve been naughty” kind) but someone invalidating you and how you practice BDSM.

Please keep in mind most times, we don’t know what the people in the scene have negotiated or what the people involved had been through or what could be affecting them and what brought them to this moment… yet instead of celebrating their courage for sharing their very secret selves… sometimes we hear criticism.

Here are some favorites: “That’s insane!” “Oh that’s just sugar kink (insert eye roll)” “That’s gross!” “Can’t he take it harder?” “Lame.” “Are they crazy?” “She safeworded already! I can take more…”  

I think some BDSM communities could benefit from taking a page out of the trans community’s notebook: By only speaking for themselves & trying to limit the stereotypic expectations they place on others. Owners/Members/location drive the tone of the club, munch, dungeon, leather bar, playparty. And they can evolve or devolve based on membership… so it can be hit or miss. Don't take one experience as how it is...

I’m a love slave (too broken and have too many limits to be called a sub by most… that’s okay I don’t look for my validation in their direction.) I’ve belonged a dungeon (before it was closed in Philly), I’ve been to munches, sex clubs in Thailand, and have served my love for the last 28 years. I’m not your typical submissive... and I'm here to say: That's okay.

If you read me you know most of my characters tend to dabble in BDSM in varying degrees (got to love author projection!). Last week, I’ve gone into edits with my first BDSM novel Lock & Key.

I started writing Lock & Key because a number of my Pretty ones (=Facebook friends) have shared with me their experiences in a BDSM-type relationship where the lines between discipline and abuse were blurred. (Before my love I had a very negative relationship as well). Also I find the invalidation distressing. People who have limitations need a Master with creativity that allows them to be their most submissive self in a safe environment not censure for being a "bad sub".

I’m of the mindset BDSM can be and should be more than the typical scene we see portrayed: a Master beating a tied up sub and then getting sucked off. No judgment… that’s a perfectly acceptable scene… and some people on the spectrum would be satisfied by that… others not. I tend to want more...

I want to examine the misunderstandings of BDSM. Here are a few that come to mind:

*All subs are submissive to all dominants… (Just because you’re dominant don’t expect me to drop to my knees. You’ll get the same respect I’d give anyone else but you’re not mine so nix the expectations.)

*Submissives are 24/7 meek & silence. (The world is a big place. I’m sure there are quiet subs though I haven’t meant any not on vocal restriction)

*Master is always right. (All people have the potential to being wrong...)

*You can tell whose into BDSM...

*Subs needs don't matter.

*Everyone into BDSM goes to clubs, wears leather and collars.

*People into BDSM have a history of abuse (some do some don’t)

*All pain is bad.

*If s/he/they say they're a Master they are… (if wishes were dreams…)

*BDSM is abuse…

*BDSM can NEVER abusive

*All Submissives crave to be treated like a doormat and get off on being used…

*Masters are all alpha males 

I see BDSM as a power exchange: the gift of surrender for the appreciation of the beauty in doing so. Other people view it as something else... 

If we can accept BDSM is on a spectrum maybe we can open our minds to allow others to express their BDSM side their way. I believe there's more than one way to sub/top space.  

Hugs, Z. Allora

BOTTOM SHAMING

I think it's important to acknowledge the connection between sexism & homophobia. In many ways society still devalues feminine things and people. Take a look at your own behavior/thoughts... it might surprise you.

Hugs, Z.

What Can You SAY?

Someone makes a homophobic/transphobic comment/joke.
WHAT CAN YOU SAY?

You're horrified but is it your place... and if it is what would you say?

YES IT'S EVERYONE'S PLACE.

The same way I hope you wouldn't stand for racist or sexist jokes/comments I'd hope you'd stop or correct someone saying something homophobic/transphobic.

To quote the 17 year old who sat next to me in PFLAG yesterday:  "Kids are dying because no one is speaking up." 

WE MUST BE THEIR VOICE. 

Back to the original question WHAT CAN YOU SAY WHEN YOU HEAR INAPPROPRIATE COMMENTS?

Here's some suggestions:

1) What do you mean by that?
It's simple and puts the person spewing stupid comments back on the spot. Usually it will end there... and yes it might be uncomfortable but not as bad as a kid hearing the negativity unmet with a response of that's not okay.

2) That makes me uncomfortable when you say that...
This works alone or after the jackass spewing nonsense decides s/he can justify her/his position. This is a simple statement and brings it back to basics... Does the speaker of hate want to continue knowing it's making someone standing right in front of them uncomfortable.

3) That makes me uncomfortable because I have friends/family in the LGBT community/ or I'm part of the LGBT community.
You only want to say this if you feel comfortable sharing this information.

Why Speak Up?

1) Education
By taking the time and risk you are setting an example of what is acceptable behavior. 
2) Kids
Within hearing distance they will feel supported and less alone.
By educating an adult you possibly help someone down the path of acceptance.
 
*** Keep in mind many people don't know they are spewing hate/perpetuating negative concepts/diaglogues***

3) It's the right thing to do
Sometimes silence is taking for agreement. You DO NOT want to agree with something against your principles.
4) You are giving courage to others to speak out.
Usually after I make such a comment others come up to me and say thank you. You're probably not as alone in your thoughts as you think. 
5) Makes the world a better place.

I know not everyone is in a position to address each and every negative comment one hears but consistency helps set boundaries and raises standards. Do what you can. 

Feel free to add your script of how you handle negative comments. 

Hugs, Z.