Did you know getting your cherry popped shouldn't hurt?
True story: A hymen isn't broken or popped at all...
The more you know...
I've always had a fascination with virgin sex... maybe trying to recapture my own? Who knows let's not analyze why but simply enjoy the fact some of my characters come to me as virgins... but don't stay that way for long.
Robin and Josh decide to "give themselves" to each other (Robin's a
romance reader so he's glorified the experience in his head). Let's just
say they figure out why most hotels have hand lotion in the bathroom.
Boon-nam is a virgin and kinky but needed to wait until she had affirmation surgery to be comfortable enough to be with someone... She has a couple interesting experiences before she has intercourse and luckily for all of us it's everything she imagined it would be.
Blurb for Illusions & Dreams: Randy Camster failed at being married. His life now centers around work, TV sports, and listening to his friend Jake complain about how Randy’s lack of a sex life will be the downfall of mankind. Not true! Well, not totally. He’s just never understood the fascination with sex until… ladyboy performer Lalana Dulyarat shimmies into his world via an Internet ad for Thailand tourism.
Jake O’Neil’s open pansexuality yields him interesting bedmates, but he’s never chased after the mythical illusion of love. He focuses on others, like his best friend Randy, who needs a Bang-Cock vacation. Finding an adorable little imp named Boon-nam wasn’t on the itinerary. Gay, straight, and undecided, Jake has had ‘em all, but never a virgin aching to take a walk on the kinky side after having her affirmation surgery. Talk about pressure. And what’s with everyone warning him not to break her heart? His is the one in danger.
"1. prejudice, stereotyping, or discrimination, typically against women, on the basis of sex." (Oxford Dictionaries)
What is Internalized Sexism?
The involuntary beliefs that people assigned female at birth carry, speak and act on as if the lies, stereotypes and myths about people assigned female at birth are true and should be assigned to all women.
In order to "stay safe" much focused energy goes into where we park, where we go, what we where... It's our responsibility because we are living in a society that teaches women must do x,y and z instead of teaching people not to rape/assault/harass. Not wanting to be friends with other women (Self-explanatory) Not like other women "A “Special Snowflake” is a term used to
describe other women who differentiate themselves from other women by
essentially buying into sexist stereotypes. Oftentimes these statements
are used to insult other women at the expense of being attractive to
men." (http://www.dearvagina.com/five-examples-of-internalized-sexism-in-our-daily-life/feminism)
Women
still make less than men How and why is this still a thing. One guess is internalized sexism makes sure it never becomes a priority so it never gets addressed.
Society feeds us sexist ideas from birth so it's no wonder they are absorbed, ingested and put back out in society.
What can we do?
1) CONFRONT IT IN YOURSELVES
Don't deny it's existence in yourself outright.
When a friend nudge me gently and called me on it I was like "No way. Card carrying member of NOW I can't be..." I was and I am working super hard not to be...
So before you deny it look. You'd have to have lived in isolation not to absorbed some of this bullshit.
2)'CONFRONT IT IN OTHERS
Usually our habit is ignore, or avoid... well, that doesn't stop it. Yes it's uncomfortable but it needs to be done (I'm afraid consistently) and I won't lie there will be censure... you might be seen as rude, but at the end of the day it's important. DO IT.
3) FEMINISM ISN'T A BAD WORD
Recently this word has been twisted so it's become something it's not. Let's learn the definition so we can spread the word.
fem·i·nism:
"1. the advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men." (Oxford Dictionaries)
Just work on doing those three things and you'll be surprised at the changes.
(& yes the whole vague not feeling comfortable/liking Hillary Clinton>>> can we guess what some of that might have been? Not that there wasn't other reasons people assigned female at birth didn't vote for her, but internalized sexism & societal sexism played a part in the decision.)
I'm aware this is a topic that is HUGE I've only done a tiny overview because I've been obsessing about this and it's impact on the world. I'm working to address mine and I hope you'll look at doing the same.
This trope has been under fire since before I've discovered rainbow romance.
The issues people have identified range from: GFY stories don't exist in reality to Bierasure to Objectifying Men to it's really Out For You romance to it denies/minimizes the coming out experience to many other reasons why GFY upsets some people.
Taking a step back:
Sexuality is complex. We are expanding our understanding of it on a daily basis. You have the Kinsey scale then the Kline model... lots of different ways to quantify something so personal and subjective. Is it any wonder people struggle? I wish there were more information to help us understand of ourselves and the people around us.
Less discussed reasons:
*It's a vehicle a number of people (I know personally) credit for allowing them to question their sexual orientation or gender identity. Watching the characters boldly go where we ourselves have struggled to go is beneficial and I'd even say in some cases therapeutic.
*One of the takeaways from GFY is usually your feelings may be scary/different/not who we thought we were but in the end it's okay to follow your heart and BE YOURSELF.
*The message I usually hear echoing through almost every story is love is stronger then societal defined gender lines (which as someone who falls on the nonbinary side of things is incredibly validating).
Sooooo it's more than just hot.
However, lumping everything under one trope can hurt people we don't want to do that. Though not everyone who falls in love with someone of the same sex is gay or even bi.
Put down your pitch forks! There's a lot of variation within
m/m romance perhaps the spectrum needs to be better sussed out? The nonbinary bunny will point out that there's also : demisexual (needing a strong emotional connection to feel attraction), biromantic, transoriented, queer, pansexual, androgynosexual, questioning, heteroflexible, BDSM (In Iceland BDSM is considered an orientation that trumps gender therefore someone who could make them submit or dominate is where the attraction resides not the gender), skoliosexual, and there other sexual identities/orientations and within each of these there are variations ((some of the orientations were plucked from this list: http://poshhelpers.tumblr.com/post/41062616375/sexual-orientations-masterlist))
Here's a list given by 2 guys clowning around... (I wish it was more serious but they are trying but I thought their take on labels interesting... and please know asexual doesn't mean sad or being alone.)
Here's a video that explains biromantic...(the above video didn't cover)
Some Things Creating The Hurt (possibly):
Personal bias: While for some of us sexual orientation is straightforward... for others sexuality is more nuanced and dare I say more fluid.
Skill/Knowledge of the writer: I'll be the first one to raise my hand and say I wish I had more skill to present the complex fabulous characters that live in my head. Also my knowledge and understanding of sexuality is still growing daily and my understanding is changing based on new studies, discussions, books, people I meet...
Semantics: Sexual identity: person's view of themselves. Sexual behavior: actions participate in Sexual Orientation: who person is attracted toward.
Take the word: Attraction... How much
"attraction to people of the same sex" makes you gay? How much sexual behavior determines if you are gay, straight. bi, demi, etc (FYI: NOTHING
MAKES YOU GAY) What if this person only wants this one other person of
the same sex... does that make him/her bi or demisexual or sexually fluid or ... ?
Labeling: Right or wrong it
is the individual that determines when the label is appropriate and if he/she/them identifies with it. (And as
much as you think you know better based on the person's actions or words you SHOULD NOT slap
labels on people... even if they seem accurate to you.)
Here's a video on lesbian, bisexuality and demisexuality. (I love when she says: "I'm kind of a mix of the two." cause that's the nuance we need to tease out.)
But GFY can cause hurt and I don't want anyone to be hurt. (And I know my Tribe doesn't want to hurt each other).
So what can we do?
I'm looking at my Pretties and truly asking
for more suggestions so we can help end the hurt. If you've spoken out
about this, or have been hurt I'd love to some concrete suggestions to move us away from hurting each other and into helping us understand. (If you're able to do so). Here are some of my suggestions:
LEARN:
The more we learn about different types of sexual
orientations the better our understanding is about everyone around us
& ourselves (As a writer this translates into more diverse and
complex characters).
CLARIFY. Is the character: bisexual, demisexual,
questioning, gay, or one of the sexualities and then make sure the reader understands where the character is coming from... I believe the writer needs to shoulder some of the responsibility to address the
some of the negative/potential issues & the hurt some people might feel.
RESPONSIBILITY: Those of us who are able should take the time to increase the understanding of others because we all
want to make the world a better place. If not us who? (I'm not the best person to talk about asexuality/name an orientation but fuck the conversation needs a place to start. Usually I'll find a YouTube video and go from there... but I'm thrilled when someone with a certain experience/orientation/viewpoints shares their first hand knowledge.)
REACH OUT: If a writer is hurting you by their stories reach out and help them understand... (Chances are they aren't doing it on purpose) Vague statements/posts only confuse people. If we want to actually effect change we need to reach out (if we're able). Here's a script: "Z. you really hurt/offended me when you wrote X." It allows me the opportunity to apologize for hurting you cause it is never my intention & allows me to understand what I did and how I can adjust in the future. And maybe I can reach out to you for assistance as a resource so I don't make the same mistakes again.
(BTW at YaoiCon 2016 so many attendees told me how Yaoi allowed them to
come to terms with who they were. Their sexuality ranged from asexual,
bisexual, gay, lesbian, pansexual and questioning. For them Yaoi was a
safe place to figure out who they were and explore what they liked. I
think I'll do a future post and discuss Yaoi specifically because there
are cultural implications since this type of manga was born in Japan.
Having lived in Asia and traveling to many of the countries including
Japan there is a different relationship people have with sex, intimacy
and each other. The LGBTQIA movement is moving at a different rate...
anyway future post.)
