Cuckolding

So what is cuckolding? I'm going to have my assistant YouTube explain it to you.
Trying super hard to finish a manuscript.
Enjoy!!!
Hugs, Z.

Words Can Have A LOOONNG Reach

Words matter... 

 

We know that.

That's why according to investopedia Coke spent "a total $3.499 billion in 2014, $3.266 billion in 2013 and $3.342 billion in 2012."((http://www.investopedia.com/articles/markets/081315/look-cocacolas-advertising-expenses.asp))

It's hard not to absorb the advertising that sex is bad...

 

What is slut shaming?

"Slut-shaming is the experience of being labeled a sexually out-of-control girl or woman (a “slut” or “ho”) and then being punished socially for possessing this identity. Slut-shaming is sexist because only girls and women are called to task for their sexuality, whether real or imagined; boys and men are congratulated for the exact same behavior. This is the essence of the sexual double standard: Boys will be boys, and girls will be sluts." Leora Tanenbaum Author of “I Am Not a Slut: Slut-Shaming in the Age of the Internet” 

Ms. Tanenbaum ends the article,

"...slut-shaming is not really about women’s sexuality. It is grounded in the belief that men get to assert themselves, and women do not. It may be getting a lot of attention these days, but slut-shaming is really just a catchy way to signify old-fashioned sexism." ((You can find the entire article here:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/leora-tanenbaum/the-truth-about-slut-shaming_b_7054162.html))

 

My Own Experience Being Called a Slut

*1st time the boys at the park figured out it was a person assigned female at birth that was kicking their 14 yr-old asses in basketball.
*When I questioned my friends who was having sex about why didn't they tell their boyfriends what felt good to them so they could enjoy it as well...
*On my way into Planned Parenthood for my 1st gyn
*A time or two when I didn't feel the need to get someone off who didn't make any attempt on behalf of my orgasm.
*When family members found out what I read...
*When family members and a couple of friends found out what I wrote...
*Every time I see a poll about sex in romance books...The usually the majority claim sex isn't that important... (to which I strongly need to disagree!)
*When a boyfriend was threatened by my interest in BDSM...
*All the other various times the word was tossed at me or those near me
*Anytime someone's actions equated to that kind of judgment...
*When a publisher identifies as being "clean" and providing "guilt-free" romance reading but makes it clear BDSM isn't something they publish>>> assume that people who are into it are dirty and guilty... (I'm good with that right... there loss  >>>>> I had much more of an issue with when their submission requirements ban gay characters it has thus change it's wording to no LBGT themes...)

Epic Fail... I internalized the negative

I'm shocked and ashamed that I internalized the negative dialogue society has given to the world about BDSM. I was doing edits for my upcoming release Lock and Key (July 15, 2016!!!!! BSDM world revolving around Entwined the BDSM club of my dreams... anyway)...  My editor pointed out I used the word "normal" for a non-BDSM centered relationship, which implied the BDSM relationship was abnormal. I was horrified! (I've been a happily love slave for many many many years.) How could I consider my relationship anything other than beautiful... then I looked around at all the messages force fed to me... How many TV shows and movies make BDSM a weird/odd/dangerous/deadly/anything but normal lifestyle? How many times did I see a face of disgust being made when I admitted my interest/participation/fucking downright LOVE for BDSM? Countless...

I had drank the Kool-Aid and it has seeped into my psyche. Somehow I ingested the negative dialogue even when I know better (Proof of my very existence)

What Can I Do?

I can be mindful of how these negative ideas and images free float in the world and if I'm able I'll address them. Be it racism, homophobia, sexism, ageism, transphobia, anti-sex... If I can speak out and up I will.

I need to watch what I put into the world (& work with people who are able to catch such slips).

Words matter and have a long reach. I'll try to be mindful of their power.

Many hugs,
Z. Allora

(Psst, you can do the same if you want!)

Transgender Rights & the bathroom laws

Yesterday, Leslie (co-founder of PFLAG's Greenville South Carolina Chapter 23 years ago), Jenifer and I headed off to Columbia for the hearings on 1203 bathroom law (which would force people into bathrooms based on their assigned sex at birth and not their gender identity) and transgender rally.

Due to the number of people who were supporting the transgender community and the decision to have the hearing in a room that wouldn't hold 30 people we hung out downstairs. We did meet and shake hands with Columbia's mayor who thanked us for showing our support. He believed this bill will die (but we need to make sure we crush it).

The main argument I've heard for this bill is it makes people unsafe (especially cis-gender women and children).

This position is based on a lot of fear, and a forgetfulness that there current laws in place to deal with people who are inappropriate in a bathroom.  Please take the time to follow this video link:



                                                    Incredible Video by Tucker FitzGerald




Hugs, Z. 

Gay For You, Out For You, Bisexual, Heteroflexible, Homoflexible... What's in a label?

 Labels can be wonderful and reinforcing helping people connect with others who share some of the same qualities they do...
But we shouldn't label someone else nor should we attempt to correct their label >>> It's not our right to peel off someone else's label (unless they are looking for assistance in processing... even then trend with care!!!!).

>>> Yes I realize this creates major issues. One I've heard the most is:

                                      It's not fair.

True. But since we don't know what's in someone else's head we can't say "Hey you had sex with other people who have been assigned the same sex as you therefore you're gay or bisexual." (though society tends to do that)  Everyone person has a right to identity with a label THEY feel fits them best. (I'm quoting from "Are ‘Heteroflexible’ and ‘Homoflexible’ Shades of ‘Bisexual’?" from the Huffington Post link is below)

Let's look at the definitions: 

Bisexual
"Wikipedia defines bisexuality as romantic attraction toward both males and females. The term is mainly used in the context of human attraction to denote romantic or sexual feelings toward both men and women."

Heteroflexible
"Wikipedia defines heteroflexible as “a form of a sexual orientation or situational sexual behavior characterized by minimal homosexual activity, despite a primarily heterosexual sexual orientation that... distinguish [es] it from bisexuality.” 

Homoflexible
"Urban dictionary describes this as a gay man who has come out and embraced his identity fully as a gay man and chooses to have sex with a woman."

Notice: "bisexuals have an enduring attraction romantically and sexually toward both genders. Sometimes it is more toward one gender over another."
((http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joe-kort-phd/are-heteroflexible-and-homoflexible-shades-of-bisexual_b_4549126.html)) 

So someone who doesn't "have an enduring attraction" to both genders therefore doesn't fit the bisexual category...

With these definitions in mind: Gay For You/Out For You genre of LGBT romance might be less about erasure and more about characters who might define themselves differently. But there's not a category for heteroflexible with a side of label dislike so it will fall under GFY.

Sexuality is complex. Many of us haven't analyzed our sexuality... so not all of our labels fit.

Out For You/Gay For You Stories: While possibly not an accurate description of what is happening... this troupe embodies an ultra-fantasy of love>>>  Nothing stands in the way of love not even gender.

Is everyone bisexual?

"In short, no.  Roughly 2.2% of women and 1.4% of men self-identify as bisexual.  The number of people whose behavior is bisexual, but who choose to label themselves as straight, gay, or lesbian, is certainly much higher – about 3 to 4 times that – but still represents less than 10% of the population." ((http://bisexual.org/?qna=is-everyone-bisexual))

Everyone loves to point out the Kinsey scale

((http://www.americaninstituteofbisexuality.org/thekleingrid))

I prefer the Klein Grind

KLEIN GRIND OF ORIENTATION

The Klein Model takes into account the individual's past, present and their ideal.
I'm pulling how they define the variables right off their website.
"THE VARIABLES: 
Sexual Attraction: To whom are you sexually attracted?
Sexual Behavior: With whom have you actually had sex?
Sexual Fantasies: Whom are your sexual fantasies about? (They may occur during masturbation, daydreaming, as part of real life, or purely in your imagination.)
Emotional Preference: Emotions influence, if not define, the actual physical act of love. Do you love and like only members of the same sex, only members of the other sex, or members of both sexes?
Social Preference: Social preference is closely allied with but often different from emotional preference. With members of which sex do you socialize?
Lifestyle Preference: What is the sexual identity of the people with whom you socialize?
Sexual Identity: How do you think of yourself?
Political Identity: Some people describe their relationship to the rest of society differently than their personal sexual identity. For instance, a woman may have a heterosexualsexual identity, but a lesbian political identity. How do you think of yourself politically?"
((http://www.americaninstituteofbisexuality.org/thekleingrid))

Now this scale can trouble some because it suggests orientation can "change" over time... I prefer to view it as life experiences refine a person's orientation giving them added clarity. Instead of rejecting one side of the Kinsey scale for the other... there might be a leaning with some additional exception.

Here's an example of how one might clarify their likes as they get older or have different life experiences:  I have a friend who identifies as a lesbian. I'm going to quote her, "Z.Allora, I love women and I'm a hardcore lesbian but there's a new flavor in town and it's called transmen." She said she'd go straight for the right transman... and that profoundly surprised her... in her younger days transmen weren't part of her world so how would she know she could be attracted to these men? ((I'm trusting those reading this not to go off in the direction with it))

I guess I'm hoping you leave this blog with a better understanding of the definitions and why some people (or characters) might not identify as bisexual and while others might. 

I included this short film: Thirteen Or So Minutes...  gives a dramatization of how heteroflexibility could potentially happen, the chaos around accepting a different label and how the encounter could become more. You can also follow the implications of how labels affect both of these men.

Hugs, Z.