ORGASMS...

 It distresses me when a man/woman says he has NO idea if his partner came...

ONE: I'm wondering why s/he didn't ask?
TWO: I'm wondering why the female didn't say?

>>> Clear communication as well as setting an EXPECTATION EVERYONE gets to the destination might be key in evening up the orgasm gap.

No rolling your eyes...

It's very simple: If women have an orgasm every time she had sex... She'd want more sex... 

But we live in a society where there are tons of articles of How-To-Fake-An-Orgasm...
WHY?
Reasons vary:
1) Didn't want to hurt his/her feelings (cause lying to him/her wouldn't do that)
2) You were tired (you could simply say that... and if you make it a habit to fuck when you're not into it... guess what sex becomes a favor...)
3) You couldn't (it happens... but is there anything your partner can do or do you need some alone time)
4) Never had an orgasm (not surprising in a world that discourages and demonizes female sexuality... many have been disconnected from their sexuality)
5) S/He was too quick (that's fine now it's your turn)

Faking your orgasm denies your partner the right & ability to satisfy you. (S/he is learning techniques that don't get you to your climax).

Am I advocating for an orgasm economy? Not really but I believe people do things they are reinforced to do... orgasm is the ultimate reward... You DESERVE it.

This video gives a simple suggestion: MASTURBATE!

30% of women have trouble orgasming
80% have trouble orgasming through intercourse alone (>>> That means fingers or vibrators should be active)
Most women need at least 20 minutes of stimulation to reach climax (sometimes LONGER)
>>>>I've heard these basic figures before here's a source (http://www.womansday.com/relationships/sex-tips/a5144/10-surprising-facts-about-orgasms-111985)<<<<

Suggestions:

Communicate with your parnter(s)
Accept what turns you on... toss out society's rules of what's appropriate
Work on your self esteem (Love yourself... and yes I mean literally)
If there's a medical condition or medication impeding your pleasure talk to your doctor
Set an EXPECTATION of ORGASM (by hook or by vibrator CUM)

Here's something interesting: Energy Orgasm
People can think/read/mediate themselves into a "no hands" orgasm.

Hugs, Z.

Surviving Devastion

Twenty years ago Oct 22^nd, I lost half of my world. My mom died after a quick diagnosis ten days prior. The devastation spun my life out of control and forced me to look for an out. (So Pretty ones when I say I understand the depths of pain life can give you… I truly do).

I’m not going to focus on my misery or the intense desire I had to exit. I will say I’m grateful to be here now… (thrilled more than you know to have my Pretty ones!) At the time, I couldn’t live for myself so I lived for others until I found reasons to strive for me.

So why am I writing this? I guess I want to save the events that occurred during that time because I don’t want time to dull them. I want to put down some curious things, which allows me to take comfort that this isn’t the end of our stories. I really believe once we leave this existence we continue elsewhere and here’s the crazy that allows me the belief.

*Moments prior to having my world smashed to bits:

My mother always hated the idea of flowers at the cemetery. She made my sister and I promise to just buy yellow flowers for ourselves and put them on our tables. My love and I were in a hotel and someone set out their room service tray. They hadn’t appreciated the small vase of flowers so I nabbed for more room… carnations they wouldn’t make me sneeze. My husband returned the call from his family to learn of my mother’s death as I was putting the yellow flowers on the table.

*Day of funeral:

My mother would have wanted her floor mopped (people would be coming over)… My father yelled at me when I tried. His watch stopped working. I was insisting on cleaning the house and my husband suggested I didn’t need to do that… his watch stopped working too. Another five minutes passed and the washing machine that wasn’t running began to spew water out of the hoses and all over the floor… I got the mop with a smile and mopped the floor like my mommy would have wanted me to…

* First year exceptionally hard

My loss was encouraging suicidal ideations which I fought but at times the appeal was almost overwhelming. I wanted so badly to just make the pain stop… during these times a ladybug would appear. (My mother and I used to love ladybugs… it was our thing) I found 54 throughout that first year (including in my freezer!) Occasionally my love or my best from college would get one and tell me about the odd places they would show up.

I continued to go through the motions of life. One day on the drive between my offices, I was sobbing (as I did whenever I was alone). I was losing it in a grand fashion. I demanded “Send me a fucking ladybug if you love me!” I stopped at a red light. Something was in the crosswalk in front of my car… it was a beanie baby. I got out of the car and picked up the ladybug stuffed animal. I screamed, “That’s not enough but thank you!”

I thought I was losing my mind… I went for help.

*Therapist

I poured out my guts to a sympathetic therapist. On the third week I talked about my adventures with ladybugs. I could see the sad look in her eyes because I was clearly diluting myself. I was self-soothing by connecting ladybug appearances to my mother letting me know everything was alright.

The therapist wrote down my ramble down.

Tap.

She brushed her yellow pad.

Tap.

I asked, “What?”

She brushed off her pad again. “Just a bug.”

Tap.

We looked up and her light was filled with ladybugs milling around. There was a line of them marching from the window to the light.

She ended the session early.

I should write more and tell you how amazing my mom was but I can’t see the computer screen. She accepted me (even though she didn't quite understand me), encouraged me to reach for my dreams and she loved me.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds it allows you to figure out how to deal with your loss.

I say it once again: If you can’t live for yourself live for someone else. In between devastating events that shatter your world please find happiness (or give happiness to others). Eventually your world will reform and you’ll find new purpose. I believe to do so honors the ones who've left before us.

Much love and many hugs to my Pretty ones,

Z. Allora
(BTW Since I've started to write this I've had five ladybug encounters)

Addendum: Oct 22, 2015 the BIGGEST hurricane in reported history was named Patrica... My mother's name was Patrica... probably a consequence. 

The GRL: Gay Romance Literature Retreat

Every October many writers & readers of gay romance gather. We have panel discussions, readings, book signing and parties. It's an amazing (& overwhelming) experience.

You see many of us don't fit in our worlds (though many do). Many of us were assigned female at birth and people don't understand why the fuck we write about gay romance. The questions are endless!

1) What could YOU possibly know about GAY sex?
Well, apart from one body part (which we usually have complete and total access to) and a gland... SEX IS SEX.... and since this is romance it's not all about the sex (or so I'm told repeatedly by my critique partners).

WARNING!!! SHOCKING INFORMATION: People with female parts CAN have anal sex & can love it. (BTW some of my Pretties assigned female at birth seem to adore anal sex more than some of my Pretties assigned male... I know it's subjective self sharing but there you have it). Writers of gay romance can round out personal experiences with a huge array of gay porn... not to mention many of us have friends who are happy to overshare their personal experiences.

2) How do you write about men when you're a straight woman?
Excuse me need to correct the basic premise: Assigned female at birth is not that same as gender identity. Many writers and readers of this genre consider themselves somewhere on the rainbow (gender queer/non-binary, bi, trans, asexual, etc.). How many writers will laughingly tell you they feel like gay men in a women's body... BTW that statement might not always be a joke...

Basic Information: One does not write with their genitals... Though one could physically do so with the insertion of a writing implement...but  trust me if that was really a thing I'd have seen a sex show featuring it.

BTW males have been writing female characters for eons and no one ever wondered HOW that was possible. (Smells kind of like sexism at play).

Newsflash:  Most of the murder mystery writers haven't committed the horrific crimes they depict... and I'm going out on a limb but Anne Rice isn't a vampire.

3) You're objectifying men.
Um... romance genre focuses on love, relationships and sex.

4) Why don't you write NORMAL romance?
Who defines NORMAL?  LOVE IS LOVE. This is normal... 

5) Men aren't like that?
Um... okay. The world is a BIG place and while someone who throws this at me at a criticism might not know men like some of our/my characters... they do exist. BTW people on the edges of any spectrum don't feel comfortable sharing with people who have a  narrow attitude. We need to stop trying to paint people with the wide brush of HOW YOU SHOULD BE... I dislike when people refuse to acknowledge everyone DOES NOT fit into labeled boxes because it implies people on the fringes are somehow wrong.

The questions of WHY and HOW go on and on but at the GRL for this glorious span of days the question is WHEN? WHEN is the next book in your series coming out? WHEN will you write about this kind of character/plot? WHEN is such a better question than why or how...

The GRL is a gathering of tribe. Readers, writers, reviewers, publishers all together in one place to celebrate what the rest of the world doesn't quite understand... but we do.

If you are attending the GRL find me and give me a hug (if you're a hugger). I adore my tribe they know me best.

Hugs, Z.

Pansexuality

Someone who can be physically &/or romantically attracted to others regardless of gender or gender identity (men, women, third gender, bigender, two-spirit, genderqueer, gender fluid, agender/genderless).

Pansexuality (coming from the Greek = ALL) is also known as omnisexual.

But REMEMBER: just because someone's attraction is not limited by gender identity or assigned sex at birth… it does NOT mean they are. (Individual preferences still apply).

Difference between Pansexual and Bisexual:

Bisexual suggests attraction to two sexes (Bi=Two). Pansexual means potential attraction to all.

In the past bisexual meant potential attraction to males and females... but now in a world where gender identity is being clarified, it still means two (due to the prefix of BI) but it could mean transguys and guys or transguys and transwomen or... any combination. It's no longer limited to only male and females assigned at birth.

There you have.

Hugs, Z.

ASEXUALITY

Asexuality is when an individual lacks sexual attraction toward others. They are NOT intrinsically drawn to have sex. 

However they can still chose to have sex.

Asexuality like other orientations is a spectrum. The individual's relationship to sex varies.
Some are sex repulsed.
Others are indifferent. For them, sex is meh, whatever. Take it or leave it.
Some view sex as favorable and are okay with sex as an activity.
And others are sex aversive and avoid it.

Keep in mind just because someone is asexual doesn’t mean they can’t have sex. Some do. Some asexuals can experience sexual arousal. Some asexual people masturbate… some do not. If they do it doesn't affect their orientation. Like all the other orientations the expression is unique to the individual.

Keep in mind just because someone is an asexual doesn't mean they are aromantic. Aromantic is experiencing little or no romantic attraction to others beyond friendship.

Someone who is asexual can lack sexual attraction to others but may still crave a romantic connection. They can still find an intimate emotional bond with someone that doesn’t involve sexual attraction.


I thought you might gain a richer understanding listening to people share their stories.

Asexuality.org is a great resource for finding out more information.



Hugs, Z.